May 3, 2010

The 10 most beautiful women of the 2000's

A disclaimer. Our calendar, the "Christian era" count, is hopelessly rubbish. It is, however, what we're stuck with, so even though I disagree with using it, most of the world disagrees with me. I bow to the inevitable and accept this year as the last year of a decade, which means it's time to start summing up the past 10 years. Because there's been a dearth of hot chicks on my blog lately, I'm starting with that. Here, in no particular order, are the ten hottest women of the past ten years.

Kira Kener



Around the year 1000, an expedition of originally Norwegian Vikings from Iceland landed in Newfoundland and eventually created the first European colony in the New World. Some 1000 years later, another Norwegian man crossed the Atlantic, only to have his descendant marry a Thai woman and create the gorgeous Kira Kener. Looking at their relative accomplishments, one has to say that the second trip was far more productive than the first. Kira produced a small oeuvre of porn for Vivid before returning to stripping, which I can imagine is lucrative for her.

See her in: porn. You may have spotted her in the Vivid reality show "Porno Valley", too.



Christy Hemme



Once upon a time, the WWE featured a women's division that was mostly made up of women who actually (gasp!) wrestled. Several of them were quite good at it and looked damn good doing it. One of the foremost was former Hooters girl and Man Show background dancer (!) Christy Hemme. I absolutely adore her. Sadly, around midway through the decade the WWE became uncomfortable with women doing something as powerful as wrestling, and the women's division was scrapped in favor of models strutting around in lingerie. Christy made her way to TNA Wrestling, which is to say obscurity. It's a shame, as I miss her.

See her in: her stunning Playboy pictorial in the April 2005 issue.



Julia Volkova



The prettier half of t.A.t.U., and easily the hottest Eurovision contestant ever. How can I argue with a music video of two schoolgirls making out in the rain?

See her in: t.A.t.U. If they ever pull off that comeback.



Justine Joli



A fantastically beautiful porn star who pops up at gamer conventions in between movie shoots, Justine Joli has made some name for herself as a "geek porn star". She only appears in lesbian movies, which hardly makes her less popular on this blog. Personable, charming, sexy and simply beautiful, she's a real treat to watch.

See her in: porn. I especially recommend Michael Ninn's FEM Bella, variously spelled, if you can stomach his style.



Maria Sharapova



I used to play tennis when I was younger, and I actually prefer the WTA tour to the ATP tour purely because of the level of play. While the Roger Federer era has reduced men's tennis into an ace contest, the WTA tour still features downright good tennis. The fact that several of the players are beautiful is a nice added bonus. Ever since the time of Anna Kournikova, women's tennis has attracted its share of misogyny, best exemplified by the infamous canard that Kournikova was "only famous because she's good-looking". Obviously any run-of-the-mill model could win several WTA doubles tournaments. Kournikova's career was cut short by injury, and she never quite managed to live up to the expectations, which opened the door for several chauvinist commentators to claim she never could play tennis in the first place, and was just kept around because she was pretty. Quite how they think the WTA world ranking works is utterly beyond me.

With Maria Sharapova, though, they can hardly claim she can't play. She's imposingly tall, absolutely beautiful and when she's on her game, she's the best female player in the world. It's tough to find pictures to convey how beautiful she really is, because you have to see her play the game to truly understand it. The determined look on her face and the blaze in her eyes when she's on top of her game are simply incomparable. As I've said before on this blog, I believe true beauty exists in several completely different forms, and when Maria Sharapova plays tennis, she is several kinds of beauty incarnate.

See her in: the WTA tour, where she kicks ass.



Eva Wyrwal



A drop-dead-gorgeous Polish model who moved to the UK and started dating footballers. In several people's opinion, she dethroned Aria Giovanni in the chest department, but whatever part of her you feel like ogling, she's absolutely beautiful.

See her in: the Internet and British lads' mags.



Amy Dumas



I mentioned the WWE's women's division earlier, and while it had several great performers, one of them is in a league of her own. The incomparable Amy Dumas is without doubt the greatest female pro wrestler ever, and in my opinion, one of the most beautiful women in the world. She was the biggest single reason I ever bothered to watch the WWE in the past decade. After the dismantling of the women's division, she was relegated to being the obnoxious Edge's valet, and eventually left the company in a disgracefully handled episode. I never watched an episode since. What made her exceptional was not only that she was beautiful and a great wrestler, but she was every bit as good as the guys at a trade where women are traditionally relegated to being tits and ass. Of course, that kind of thing didn't sit very well with the ultra-macho president of the WWE, and as neoconservatism hit in the 2000's, women's wrestling was out and lingerie pillowfights were in. It's a tragedy that a fantastic performer like her was relegated to being eye candy and eventually kicked out in favor of ditzy models who think a suplex is a kind of apartment.

See her in: Her WWE DVD has some excellent matches, including, as far as I know, the only women's hardcore match ever. These days she's retired from wrestling and has a punk band called The Luchagors.



Susana Spears



Oh, Susana, what can I say about you? I first saw her on actiongirls.com, that more than slightly demented collection of softcore porn filmed by a man from California in an abandoned Soviet army base in the Czech Republic. I don't know where she's from or what her real name is, but I've been hopelessly smitted with her since I first saw her. There are several fantastic pictorials of her online, but as she tends to lose her top very early in all of them or just show up without it, I can't post any without violating Blogger's guidelines. Anyway, mere pictures don't do her justice; she moves like poetry and is beautiful beyond reason.

See her in: Actiongirls.com and their DVDs. I'll review them one of these days. Suffice to say that the latest one was more demented than pornographic, but for Susana I heartily recommend volume 3.



Rhona Mitra



The original Tomb Raider is much more butch, and far more beautiful than the eventual movie incarnation, and I say this as a huge Angelina Jolie fan. As there is demonstrably no justice in the world, she's had a chequered movie career that in no way reflects her talents. We're still waiting for her big break, which I hope she'll get.

See her in: Doomsday, a far better movie than you might think.



Tera Patrick



The nurse turned porn superstar is quite simply pornography personified. Even the thousand words a picture is allegedly worth don't even begin to convey the awesome power of her sex appeal. In my opinion, Tera Patrick is nothing less than a modern wonder of the world, a living Jungian archetype of sex. Whenever I try to post something about her, I feel rather like an ancient Greek trying to explain Aphrodite. Her body is simply one of the greatest works of art produced by humanity. Again, I can't really post a proper example, so you have to be content with these. Suffice to say that as a philologist, I would accept a nude of Tera as a definition of sex.

See her in: porn. A simple search at, say, freeones.com will produce more links than even the most rabid pornophile can get through easily.



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Honourable mentions

That's my top 10. There are, however, five fabulous women who fall just short of it but who I can't bear to not mention. It would have been a duller decade without them.

Kiana Tom



This fantastically gorgeous bodybuilder and fitness queen is further proof that good things come from Hawaii. Her Playboy pictorial, in the May 2002 issue, has to be seen to be believed.

See her in: Universal Soldier: The Return, which was rubbish, or Playboy, which most emphatically wasn't.

Veronika Zemanova



The reigning queen of European softcore porn, she has to be seen in motion to be truly appreciated.

See her in: actiongirls.com and their DVDs. She is nothing short of astonishing, especially in volume 5.

Gemma Atkinson



The British have a soap of some kind called Hollyoaks that seems to regularly find beautiful young women and catapult them to fame and WAGdom. I can't tell you anything about the show, as the only British soap I've ever seen was Emmerdale, because the biggest guy on my "open prison" cell block wanted to watch it on the common room TV. What I do know is that by far the most beautiful of their alumni is Gemma Atkinson.

See her in: the UK. She was on that reality show thing where they send celebrities into the jungle. Mostly I wish they'd stay there, but luckily she came back. She also did a smoking pictorial for FHM a few years back. Last I heard she was dating a footballer.

Bianca Beauchamp



Canada's gift to the world of Internet latex porn is fantastically beautiful even to those of us who aren't that much into weird latex costumes.

See her in: latex fetish porn on the Internet. Luckily for most of us, there's some regular stuff too.

Jenna Jameson



I could hardly do this list without the undisputed queen of porn, Jenna Jameson. She told FHM UK that when she was younger, she was making up to $50,000 a night stripping. Looking at her, I can believe it.

See her in: porn. Sadly, I thought Briana Loves Jenna failed to live up to the hype. I keep wishing they'd do Tera loves Jenna.

I leave you with that thought.

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