Emotional Investment in Games aka Why We Were so Disappointed in Mass Effect 2, part three or so

Illustrations are gratuitous Asari pinups, as that is a search term that has been used to find this blag. We like giving the Internet what it asks for.

Naked Asari

The text is a pretty incoherent response to playing Mass Effect 2 which I composed when it first came out but never put down anywhere.

I'm a girl. I'm a girl gamer. I enjoy shooting things in the head with my space rifle. I enjoy saving the world with a kick-ass hero. I enjoy having an option for that hero to be a woman who gets to do all things that the male hero does. In short, I really like Commander Shepard.

I also like having love stories and personal relationships in games. Maybe that's girly, I don't care. I want the kick-ass, and I want the fluff. I want true role playing. I want my choices to count.

I really (mostly) liked how they did relationships in Mass Effect 1. You weren't forced into a relationship, you could choose whether to flirt (or respond to flirting). You only had three options, sure, and limited queer or alien options, but you get an almost-lesbian relationship with an alien, and that's a big first.

My choice, still, was Kaidan, a human man. I love Kaidan. Yes, I know, but I do. I liked him as a love interest. I found it sad that he was limited to being the possible love interest for the female Shepard only, but I could deal with that. (That's what fan fiction is for, after all;)

The relationship story arc was fulfilling, you had the choice of flirting with him or not, you weren't pushed into a relationship, and you got to have a sex scene! That was something new.

Uncensored version

And then we get Mass Effect 2. The gang's all there, in the beginning you get to continue from where you left off, in the game as in the relationship and... yeah, here come the spoilers, but as the third game is out already, I figure you can deal with them.

Then you die, and wake up in what appears to be an alternate universe, but everyone else seems to be in denial about this. My co-bloggers have addressed this issue already, so I'll concentrate on why the game was so unfulfilling emotionally, in the context of the first game. (Not saying anything about the cardboard cutouts that you are offered as love interests in this game, nor about the fan service of Garrus and Tali.) (After all, nothing you said to either one during the first game affects how they behave in the second one at all. Garrus is a crazy vigilante in any case, and Tali is as crazy and genocidal as ever.)

Mostly Naked Asari

You had (if you had) this deep connection with another person in the previous game, and as much as all of the relationship options spelled out that this might have been just a one-off, I would expect to get *some* reaction from the love interest in the next game.

Kaidan sends you an e-mail. When you meet him, he's the only one who finds it wrong that you're working with your old enemy, the Cerberus, and I was yelling, 'Thank you! I thought I was alone in this! Let me come back to the Alliance with you!' Do I get to do that? No. I get to invite him to join the terrorist organisation with me. "It'll be just like old times." What? I wonder he didn't deck me.

And then he sends you an e-mail saying 'maybe'. Maybe you could continue your relationship at some future date. I survived for weeks on that e-mail.

I never went through a relationship with Ash because I found her attitude problem and xenophobia quite unappealing. But I gather she has a similar reaction. (Why? She would fit right in with these human supremacists.)

Another Naked Asari

What does Liara do? She's had a personality transplant, has given up her career as an archaeologist, and is organising assassinations. ...wait, what? She says, "Hi Shepard, heard you were alive after all, wanna help me choose which of my associates to murder?" The emotional connection, I can feel it.

Mass Effect has never been big on having your companions react to what's going on, but when my Shepard, having just seen her lover in for what for her was a few months, and for him two years and having been rejected by him, goes to talk to Garrus, who was around in the "old times"... what I wanted was a bloody hug, what I got was "Too busy to talk right now, come back later and I'll make a pass at you." Well, technically.

Full frontal nudity Asari

One thing they got right. If you choose to *not* romance any of the very straight love interest options you have, your last night before facing the Big End Fight is spent staring at Kaidan's (or who ever was your first game love interest) photo. Thank you. I felt that. I *felt* that. You managed to give me two moments of real emotional contact with the game. An e-mail and a photo.

Okay, Tali becoming officially part of your crew was touching but was ruined a bit (or a lot) by the fact that you could only achieve that by lying for her, losing important allies for nothing, and going along with her attitudes towards the geth. Doing it was out of character for my Shepard but for once I chose the game mechanic over the role playing (which, admittedly, is usually mostly in my head because the games don't support it) - I wanted her loyalty.

Another Naked Asari

After finishing Mass Effect 2 I told people that the only thing that would make me want to buy Mass Effect 3 was if it gave me an option of getting back with Kaidan, and/or allowing the queer options.

...

Wait, they did what?

Oh damn.

Well, at least I'm buying it used.

Ice hockey world championships preview 2012

Shit, I don't know. It's not like we'll be seeing them now that they're on pay-tv. No way am I paying for Viasat for the NHL and MTV3 MAX for F1 and a third provider for this.

Did I mention it's Susana Spears's birthday?

I still don't know why the sight of her hit me like a ton of bricks, but it still kinda does.

Happy birthday!

NHL second round playoff preview

Next round! First of all, while I'm delighted at the lineup of Western teams that made it to the semis, I have to say I've seen too few of their games to have any particularly well-thought-out picks. I'll just say I'm picking the Kings and Preds for the conference finals. My first round picks were 4/8, so I might just as well have flipped a coin.

**

The East I actually have something to say about. I'm damn disappointed that my dream of a Panthers-Kings final is not to be, but the Panthers played a heck of a series. The Devils are another team I can't really figure out: are they better than they look, or not?

As for the Flyers, I picked the Penguins to win the series because the Flyers don't have the team defense to succeed in the playoffs. In my opinion, that's still true, but they compensated by scoring a gazillion goals. If the Penguins hadn't been so lousy and had Marc-André Fleury been able to stop anything, you have to think they would have won the series despite the Flyers' offensive firepower. When Pittsburgh briefly got their game together in game 4, there was nothing the Flyers could do about it.

But they didn't get their game together. Instead, the entire team disintegrated, and Fleury was as terrible in net as the guys in front of him were at defense. I've said over and over on this blog that Fleury is overrated, and this series was a fairly good example. But the bulk of the blame has to go to coach Bylsma and captain Crosby. Ever since he came to the league, we've been inundated with the NHL's official propaganda about what a great leader Crosby is. It's nonsense, similar to the notion that he's somehow a two-way player. The league and the North American hockey media say these things because as the anointed Next One, Crosby has to be a great leader and a great two-way player. Both are just lies.

In this series, Crosby really showed his character. On the ice, he degenerated into a childish rat and a punk, knocking Jakub Voracek's glove away from him, bitching about how he hates the Flyers and holding a guy down while his team-mate beats him up. Shades of the Boris Valabik nut shot on that last one. Meanwhile, Bylsma seemed to have no control over his team whatsoever.

When the Penguins win, no matter what happened, Crosby's boosters give him all the credit, because allegedly whenever the Penguins succeed, it's due to Crosby's leadership. How many times have we been told about how he supposedly makes everyone around him so much better? If he gets to take credit for the Penguins' successes due to his supposed leadership, then he has to take responsibility for their defeats as well. Given the way the team fell apart, Crosby shouldn't be held responsible only for his lackluster personal play but also for the breakdown of discipline that he directly contributed to. Of course, as everyone knows, no such thing will happen, because we've already been told that the Penguins lost despite Crosby. That's just bullshit.

The Flyers-Devils series will turn on team defense. If the Devils can defend against the Flyers offense, they'll win the series. The few times the Penguins out together any kind of defensive effort, it stopped Philadelphia. If not, the Devils are toast. Flyers in six.

**

The Caps are in many ways the biggest surprise of the second round. I didn't think there was any possible way they could get past the Bruins' depth and team defense. Except apparently when Nathan Horton got injured, that depth vanished. When David Krejci's line, including the supremely overrated Milan Lucic - less Cam Neely than Chris Simon - failed to produce, so did the rest of the team. What looked like tremendous forward depth last year now looked like a bunch of overpaid third- and fourth-liners. In other words, the Bruins looked like the Capitals usually do. Brayden Holtby was tremendous in goal; Tim Thomas slightly less so.

It's beyond sad that the tightest series in NHL history should end in an outbreak of racist tweeting by disappointed Boston fans.

They'll be going up against the Rangers, who unsurprisingly beat the Senators but surprisingly took seven games to do it. Shockingly, I have to pick the Caps to win. While the Caps beat the defending champions, the Rangers struggled to defeat the Senators; Holtby has played better than Lundqvist; the Caps' offensive potential is better than the Rangers'. Who knows, maybe Alex Ovechkin will show up. Unless something bizarre happens, it'll be a close series.

The new Blogger interface sucks

Just a brief note. I recently got a new Android mobile device that I use, among other things, for blogging. And Blogger just changed their user interface. Now, as far as I've been able to tell, it's added no useful new features or functionalities. What it has done is make blogging harder and more annoying, especially on a mobile touchscreen device. In short, this sucks. It makes blogging harder. For example, managing labels for posts is now rage-inducingly difficult, as is setting the publication date. The pop-up menus on the right side of the screen where this is done are just unbelievably annoying to navigate, as is the new "Edit posts" screen. At times, the menus simply don't work. If you're looking to set up a blog, right now I would advise against doing so on Blogger.

As this comes right on the heels of Facebook's new Timeline, I can't help but ask why the hell. In my opinion, a user interface should only be changed if the transition costs of adjusting to the new interface are significantly lower than the benefits of the new system. I don't think this is even close to being true in either case. On Facebook, I actually believe that their motivation is to deliberately obfuscate their privacy settings and try to deceive people into making previously private information public so they can sell it to advertisers. It makes me wonder why Blogger changed theirs.

UPDATE: I'm finding it almost impossible to label and schedule this post. That should tell you what kind of interface we're talking about here. If this post doesn't have paragraph breaks or labels, it is because I was unable to add them. Seriously.

Canada, hockey and heritage

Exhibit A: The Ottawa Senators and their Stanley Cup banners

This is what's been hung from the rafters at Scotiabank Place:

And they're all lies. The teams that won those cups were never called the Ottawa Senators; that was just their nickname. The name of the team was the Ottawa Hockey Club, or Ottawa HC for short. And anyway, whatever they're called, the franchise that plays in that arena hasn't won a single Stanley Cup. They have no connection whatsoever to the team that did, except that they've taken the earlier team's nickname and made it their name. They have as much right to those Cup banners as I do.

Exhibit B: The Winnipeg Jets [sic] and their logo

The Winnipeg Jets [sic], of course, aren't the Winnipeg Jets; the Phoenix Coyotes are. The "Winnipeg Jets" of today are the Atlanta Thrashers. It's incredibly disrespectful to the original Jets for the Thrashers' new Canadian owners to simply steal the name of the old team, especially since the Coyotes are the only ex-WHA team that actually commemorates their WHA heritage.

And the logo? What's that even supposed to be? I'm told by the Jets' Wikipedia page that it's an F/A-18 Hornet, as used by the Canadian air force. Except it isn't. Here's the Jets logo:

And here's a Hornet:

What's going on at the back of the Jets' jet, where the Hornet's exhausts are supposed to be? There's, like, a spike? So in addition to stealing the old Jets' name, they play with a logo that defaces the equipment of the Royal Canadian Air Force. The old Jets had a portrait of her Majesty the Queen in their arena; the new Jets mock her military.

And anyway, if the new Jets were any kind of patriots, they wouldn't have a US jet on their logo, but the Avro Arrow, as far as I'm concerned.

It's often said that hockey is a very conservative sport. In the day-to-day political sense of the word, i.e. hating people who are different than you and being angry a lot, I suppose that's true. But as for respecting your past and your heritage and everything like that? In Ottawa and Winnipeg at least, not so much.

Happy birthday Ashley Judd!

Question: how cool is Ashley Judd? To start, here's what is apparently a gratuitous picture of her in a hockey jersey.

Seriously though, she was in Darmok, one of the greatest pieces of science fiction ever.

She also recently wrote a brilliant takedown of the way the media objectifies and demeans women. I love it when someone writes a well-articulated, thought-out and thought-provoking fuck you. Ms. Judd, we find you awesome. Happy birthday!

I pay my taxes to the company store

In the States, you may be paying taxes direct to your employer.

Reuters: Taxed by the boss

Across the United States more than 2,700 companies are collecting state income taxes from hundreds of thousands of workers – and are keeping the money with the states’ approval, says an eye-opening report published on Thursday.

The report from Good Jobs First, a nonprofit taxpayer watchdog organization funded by Ford, Surdna and other major foundations, identifies 16 states that let companies divert some or all of the state income taxes deducted from workers’ paychecks. None of the states requires notifying the workers, whose withholdings are treated as taxes they paid.

At first sight, this seems awfully familiar to any student of medieval history; it's tax farming. The rationale this time is that this is a way to pay subsidies to companies directly. It's still tax farming.

Any discussion of something like this inevitably degenerates into the usual leftist claptrap of public=good and private=bad. That totally obfuscates the real problem with arrangements like these, which effectively combine the worst of private and public: the lack of public oversight inherent in a private organization and the coercive power of a public one.

HKIRBBTL: Buccaneers-Ravens 1-0

Well, I knew there'd come a day
When my mind would say: Hey, are you afraid
All I know is that I've been down here trying
Well, I'll bleed on through the night
I suppose I'll be dead by the morning light
Don't be surprised if you mind, when you find me
The river runs red and I think I'm dying
- Seer Kieth Cap Uto, 1st Era of Darkness

River runs red
Black rain falls
Dust in my hand
River runs red
Black rain falls
On my bleeding land
- Generalissimus Peter Garrett, later

The scorching sun was hanging low on the crimson banks of the notorious Blood River. The Buccaneers were assembled, their helmets gleaming in the sun, ready for the purple sails coming from the east. Today the Blood River Buccaneers would stand tall against the  rampaging Norse hordes of Ragnarock. Some 11 thousand fans were forthcoming. After the success of Skogen Mörke most of them were Ravens fans.

The Ravens won the first coin toss and elected to receive as is their style. The fans were on fire as the teams took the field.

Soon the ball was caged in a bloody melee moving nowhere from the center field.

Ravens blitzer Harald Hårdare was nurturing a niggling injury and his absence was soon felt as the well-named Buccaneers blitzer Athlan Icecold ended the game for blitzer Hans von Helvete. The Ravens were now without their two game makers and had to rely on the fangs of their vargr, Geri and Freki.

The latter was hungry indeed and locked his jaw on lineman Malsadrian sending him off the field in short order. Still this was not enough to break the Buccaneers defense and the battle raged on. Mordak Blackheart pushed Jan Axel Blomberg into the crowd for a pint or two. This didn't haze Blomberg though and he returned back on the field later – with treacherous consequences.

Finally, with just a few minutes remaining, blitzer Nasty Narsil was able to sack Thor Åkenskaldi and pick up the ball.

Lineman Reidar Horghagen did his best and sacked Narsil, but unfortunately the ball flew right off his hands to Buccaneers lineman Mornil. For this last minute try Horghagen was awarded the Ravens' MVP.

Mornil had just enough time to hand the ball to witch elf Solana Spikeheel, who then had the easy job of sprinting over the goal line just as the first half was coming to an end.

The second half started with the Buccaneers receiving. The crowd was still fired up under the glaring sun.

The Buccaneers quickly snatched the control with runner Clarius Vile holding on to the ball in the backfield while the witch elf lured werewolf Freki to wild goose chase on the opposite end.

Finally runner Leifur Eriksson was able to lay his hands on Vile, but seeing a sack Vile quickly flipped the ball to lineman Tyrim, who unfortunately was unable to hold on to it. The Ravens were unable to bank on this, when Jan Axel Blomberg – still shrugging of the earlier concussion – failed to scoop the ball from the field.

Concentrating on the ball Blomberg failed to see Athlan Icecold blitzing him. This high hit was a hit too far for the Draugr Cove native. He was carried cold off the field and into a longboat for the last journey home.

Smelling his friend's blood Geri launched on Mordak Blackheart hurting him badly. The Ravens team was thinning out at an alarming pace and despite their wolves best efforts, they were unable to put the hurt on the Buccaneers.

The ball started to slip into the Ravens' territory as the field was splintered to a messy melee.

The Buccaneers pushed slowly forth but, with time running out, were unable to score as the remaining Ravens scampered to stop them while coach Sjöfarare was cursing and throwing bloodweiser bottles on the sideline.

When time ran out the score was still 1-0 for the Buccaneers. Many a player lay in the dugout after a grueling grind of a game:

The Buccaneers won the game and moved ahead of the Ravens.


**


Boxscore

Fans: BRB 5000, RAR 6000
FAME: RAR +1
Starting weather: very sunny

Ravens win coin toss, elect to receive.

First half, Ravens receiving (Cheering fans, tie)

BRB T2: BRB #10 blitzes RAR #63, badly hurt
RAR T3: RAR #55 blocks BRB #3, badly hurt
BRB T3: BRB #13 blitzes RAR #75 attacker down, TURNOVER
BRB T4: BRB #7 blitzes RAR #91 to crowd, stunned
BRB T7: BRB #8 sacks RAR #5 and picks up ball
RAR T8: RAR #80 sacks BRB #8, ball scatter to BRB #4 picked up
BRB T8: BRB #4 handoff to BRB #13 who scores TOUCHDOWN

End of first half

Second half, Buccaneers receiving (cheering fans, tie)

BRB T1: BRB #7 picks up ball throws to BRB #11
BRB T2: BRB #8 blocks RAR #97 fractured leg
RAR T3: RAR #12 sacks BRB #11, dump off to BRB #2, fails to catch ball scatter
RAR T4: RAR #91 fails to pick up ball, scatters to BRB #10, TURNOVER
BRB T5: BRB #10 blitzes RAR #91, dead
RAR T5: RAR #55 blocks BRB #7, badly hurt, RAR #12 picks up ball
BRB T6: BRB #13 sacks RAR #12, picks up ball and hands to BRB #11
RAR T6: RAR #96 sacks BRB #11 who fails dump off and goes KO, RAR #55 GFI fumble, TURNOVER
BRB T7: BRB #5 blocks RAR #5, KO, BRB #13 picks ball and throws to BRB #8
RAR T7: RAR #80 blocks BRB 6, attacker down KO, TURNOVER
BRB T8: BRB #4 blocks RAR #88, attacker down stunned, TURNOVER
RAR T8: RAR #96 throws to RAR #12, RAR #90 fails dodge, TURNOVER

End of game.

Revenue: BRB 50,000, RAR 40,000

Fan factor: BRB +1, RAR -0

MVP: BRB #11, RAR #80

Advancement rolls: BRB #11 10 (MA/AV/new skill), RAR #80 8 (new skill)

**

Lineups:

Blood River Buccaneers

#2 Tyrim (lineman)
#3 Malsadrian (lineman) [badly hurt]
#4 Mornil (lineman)
#5 Hehtar (lineman)
#7 Mordak Blackheart (blitzer) [badly hurt, completion]
#8 Nasty Narsil (blitzer) [casualty, sack]
#9 Avil Darksoul (blitzer)
#10 Athlan Icecold (blitzer) [2 casualties, fatality]
#11 Clarius Vile (runner)
#13 Solana Spikeheel (witch elf) [completion, sack, touchdown]
#14 Khali (lineman)

Ragnarock Ravens

#5 Thor Åkenskaldi (thrower)
#12 Leifur Eriksson (runner)
#51 Geri (Norse werewolf)
#55 Freki (Norse werewolf) [2 casualties]
#63 Hans von Helvete (blitzer) [badly hurt]
#75 Kjetil Haraldsson Manheim (lineman)
#80 Reidar Horghagen (lineman) [sack]
#88 Tomas Haugen (lineman)
#90 Stian Arnesen (lineman)
#91 Jan Axel Blomberg (lineman) [dead]
#96 Per Yngve Ohlin (lineman) [completion, sack]
#97 Sven Atle Kopperud (lineman) [fractured leg]

**

League table: [pts, goal differential, casualty differential, fatalities, completions, interceptions, sacks]

Brutes (5-0-0) 15 pts, 13-0, 7-2, 1, 2, 0, 4-2
Titans (3-3-0) 9 pts, 5-8, 9-3, 0, 17, 1, 6-6
Buccaneers (2-3-0) 6 pts, 5-5, 5-9, 1, 8, 0, 7-5
Ravens (2-3-0) 6 pts, 4-7, 6-8, 0, 3, 0, 4-3
Mütants (1-1-1) 4 pts, 2-3, 3-3, 0, 0, 0, 2-6
Murderers (0-3-1) 1 pts, 2-8, 1-8, 0, 8, 0, 3-3

**

Individual statistics:


Touchdowns:

Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 3
Grambad (Brutes): 3
Leifur Eriksson (Ravens): 3
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 3
Faramir Neithan (Titans): 2
Galhag (Brutes): 2
Grab da Bol (Brutes): 2
Solana Spikeheel (Buccaneers): 2
Sorgask (Brutes): 2
Dexgor (Mütants): 1
Galfir (Buccaneers): 1
Galoth (Brutes): 1
Gorgor (Mütants): 1
Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 1
Savure Uvalor (Murderers): 1
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 1
Tomas Haugen (Ravens): 1
Tyrim (Buccaneers): 1

Interceptions:

Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 1

Casualties:

Teclis Turukáno (Titans): 5
Athlan Icecold (Buccaneers): 2
Freki (Ravens): 2
Harald Hårdare (Ravens): 2
Nasty Narsil (Buccaneers): 2
Boss the Unbeaten (Mütants): 1
Braga da 'Ed Bash'a (Brutes): 1
Carecalmo (Titans): 1
Cyrus the Unbeliever (Mütants): 1
Dark Elf journeyman* (Buccaneers): 1
Dranas Dradas (Murderers): 1
Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 1
Galhag (Brutes): 1
Galoth (Brutes): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1
Geri (Ravens): 1
Gladroon* (Titans journeyman): 1
Jan Axel Blomberg (Ravens): 1
Morgur (Brutes): 1
Orodreth Ecthelion (Titans): 1
Piergor (Mütants): 1
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 1
Sorgask (Brutes): 1
Urghuk (Brutes): 1

Fatalities:

Athlan Icecold (Buccaneers): 1
Galhag (Brutes): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1

Completions:

Beleg Strongarm (Titans): 6
Carecalmo (Titans): 4
Giron Manas (Murderers): 3
Avil Darksoul (Buccaneers): 2
Clarius Vile (Buccaneers): 2
Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 2
Teclis Turukáno (Titans): 2
Athlan Icecold (Buccaneers): 1
Balyn Omavel (Murderers): 1
Grab da Bol (Brutes): 1
Hans von Helvete (Ravens): 1
Ilmiril Telinturco (Titans): 1
Meryaren (Titans): 1
Mossanon (Titans): 1
Nilos Talds (Murderers): 1
Orodreth Ecthelion (Titans): 1
Per Yngve Ohlin (Ravens): 1
Savure Uvalor (Murderers): 1
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 1
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 1
Solana Spikeheel (Buccaneers): 1
Thor Åkenskaldi (Ravens): 1
Tussurradad (Murderers): 1
Ulundil (Titans): 1

Sacks:

Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 2
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 2
Sorgask (Brutes): 2
Teclis Turukáno (Titans): 2
Tyrim (Buccaneers): 2
Azgrum (Brutes): 1
Beleg Strongarm (Titans): 1
Carecalmo (Titans): 1
Clarius Vile (Buccaneers): 1
Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1
Hans von Helvete (Ravens): 1
Kinzgor (Mütants): 1
Nasty Narsil (Buccaneers): 1
Orodreth Ecthelion (Titans): 1
Per Yngve Ohlin (Ravens): 1
Reidar Horghagen (Ravens): 1
Shaungor (Mütants): 1
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 1
Solana Spikeheel (Buccaneers): 1
Stian Tomt Thoresen* (Ravens): 1
Tussurradad (Murderers): 1

The hottest pro wrestler ever

Because today is her birthday, let's watch some matches from my favorite pro wrestler of all time, the stunning Amy Dumas, a.k.a. Lita. If you have a problem with pro wrestling, read my defence of it, coincidentally posted on this very day some four years ago. Here's the first match:

This next one is a particular treat, as it features two of the most beautiful women on TV from the previous decade, and let's face it, Molly Holly's pretty hot, too.

Check out the pop Lita gets in both of these matches. That isn't piped in or cooked up as an angle for this storyline, it's real. She was awesome, and being awesome is damn sexy.

It's only proper to finish with a main event, and this sure is one. Refereed by none other than the legendary Earl Hebner of Montréal fame, this is pro wrestling the way it was meant to be. Admittedly the ladies play second fiddle in this one, but it's just such an awesome match.

Say what you like about Triple H, but he sure can sell.

Watching these clips reminded me all over again of what a huge crush I had on Lita when she was still wrestling. And I'm not sure that past tense is warranted. Happy birthday Amy! Wrestling was never the same without you.

HKIRBBTL: Titans-Brutes 0-3

There's more action in the Helsinki-Kotka Interregional Turboleague as the Tor Achare Titans continue their epic road trip! Their next opponent? The undefeated Braga's Brutes. The Titans played their first game in the Turboleague against the Brutes, losing 0-2.

After the Brutes won the opening coin toss and elected to receive, the teams faced off on the gridiron.

Titans kicker Carecalmo sent the ball flying way too high, allowing Brutes catcher Grab da Bol to position himself perfectly to catch the ball. The Brutes caged the ball and were off, smashing into the Titans' line and knocking out catcher Faramir Neithan.

Brutes thrower Slib'ry Ands pushed Titans lineman Orodreth Ecthelion into the stands, and as the orc cage rolled down the pitch, the greenskins were able to smash a lane through to the Titans' end zone.

Shrugging off the attempts of the Titans' defence to stop them, thrower Grab da Bol handed the ball off to blitzer Urghuk...

...who handed it on to lineman Galhag for the touchdown.

With little time left in the first half, the Titans executed some passing completions before taking the field again for the second half and their reception.

In the fracas, Slib'ry Ands smashed Titans lineman Meryaren out of the game with a concussion, and though the Titans managed to play their receivers into the Brutes' backfield...

...it was to no avail, as Slib'ry Ands sacked Faramir Neithan, grabbed the ball and scored a touchdown for the Brutes.

At the next kickoff, the outnumbered Titans were overrun by the Brutes.

With only desperate options left, catcher Mossanon tried to dodge out of the pocket and pass the ball up the field, but he failed.

The Brutes recovered the ball, and the game ended with blitzer Grambad scoring the Brutes' third touchdown.

**

Boxscore

Fans: TIT 9,000, BRU 9,000
FAME: TIT +0, BRU +0
Starting weather: very sunny

Brutes win coin toss, elect to receive.

First half, Brutes receiving (high kick)

BRU #9 catches kick.

BRU T1: BRU #2 blitzes TIT #7, KO
TIT T2: TIT #13 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
BRU T3: BRU #10 blocks TIT #15 into crowd, stunned
TIT T4: TIT #2 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
BRU T5: BRU #9 hands off to BRU #6
TIT T5: TIT #2 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
BRU T7: BRU #6 hands off to BRU #11; BRU #11 scores TOUCHDOWN

Titans receiving (quick snap)

TIT T7: TIT #3 picks up the ball, passes to TIT #5, completion
TIT T8: TIT #5 hands off to TIT #2; TIT #2 passes to TIT #5, completion

Second half, Titans receiving (cheering fans, tie)

TIT T1: TIT #5 picks up the ball, passes to TIT #7, completion
TIT T2: TIT #1 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
BRU T2: BRU #10 blocks TIT #14, serious concussion; BRU #9 blocks TIT #16, both down, TURNOVER
TIT T3: TIT #2 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
BRU T3: BRU #10 sacks TIT #7; BRU #7 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
TIT T4: TIT #5 picks up the ball; TIT #16 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
BRU T4: BRU #5 blitzes TIT #5, sack; BRU #10 picks up the ball
BRU T5: BRU #10 scores TOUCHDOWN

Titans receiving (quick snap)

TIT #5 fails to catch the ball.

TIT T6: TIT #9 picks up the ball and passes to TIT #5, completion
TIT T7: TIT #2 fails GFI, TURNOVER
TIT T8: TIT #5 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
BRU T8: BRU #9 picks up the ball, passes to BRU #5, completion; BRU #5 hands off to BRU #7; BRU #7 scores TOUCHDOWN

End of game.

Revenue: TIT 50,000, BRU 60,000

Fan factor: BRU +1, TIT -0

MVP: BRU #6, TIT #7

Advancement rolls: TIT #3 7 (new skill); BRU #10 9 (new skill), BRU #11 7 (new skill)

**

Lineups:

Tor Achare Titans

#1 Finrod Angamaitë (blitzer)
#2 Teclis Turukáno (blitzer) [completion]
#3 Beleg Strongarm (thrower) [completion]
#5 Mossanon (catcher) [completion]
#7 Faramir Neithan (catcher) [MVP]
#9 Carecalmo (lineman) [completion]
#10 Ilmiril Telinturco (lineman)
#12 Morelion Tethlis (lineman)
#13 Caryarel Mothril (lineman)
#14 Meryaren (lineman) [serious concussion]
#15 Orodreth Ecthelion (lineman)
#16 Ulundil (lineman)

Braga's Brutes

#01 Braga da 'Ed Bash'a (black orc)
#02 Morgur (black orc)
#03 Roflog (black orc)
#04 Azgrum (black orc)
#05 Sorgask (blitzer) [sack]
#06 Urghuk (blitzer) [MVP]
#07 Grambad (blitzer) [touchdown]
#08 Galoth (blitzer)
#09 Grab da Bol (thrower) [completion]
#10 Slib'ry Ands (thrower) [touchdown, casualty, sack]
#11 Galhag (lineman) [touchdown]

**

League table: [pts, goal differential, casualty differential, fatalities, completions, interceptions, sacks]

Brutes (5-0-0) 15 pts, 13-0, 7-2, 1, 2, 0, 4-2
Titans (3-3-0) 9 pts, 5-8, 9-3, 0, 17, 1, 6-6
Ravens (2-2-0) 6 pts, 4-6, 4-5, 0, 2, 0, 2-1
Mütants (1-1-1) 4 pts, 2-3, 3-3, 0, 0, 0, 2-6
Buccaneers (1-3-0) 3 pts, 4-5, 2-7, 0, 6, 0, 5-3
Murderers (0-3-1) 1 pts, 2-8, 1-8, 0, 8, 0, 3-3

**

Individual statistics:


Touchdowns:

Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 3
Grambad (Brutes): 3
Leifur Eriksson (Ravens): 3
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 3
Faramir Neithan (Titans): 2
Galhag (Brutes): 2
Grab da Bol (Brutes): 2
Sorgask (Brutes): 2
Dexgor (Mütants): 1
Galfir (Buccaneers): 1
Galoth (Brutes): 1
Gorgor (Mütants): 1
Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 1
Savure Uvalor (Murderers): 1
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 1
Solana Spikeheel (Buccaneers): 1
Tomas Haugen (Ravens): 1
Tyrim (Buccaneers): 1

Interceptions:

Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 1

Casualties:

Teclis Turukáno (Titans): 5
Harald Hårdare (Ravens): 2
Boss the Unbeaten (Mütants): 1
Braga da 'Ed Bash'a (Brutes): 1
Carecalmo (Titans): 1
Cyrus the Unbeliever (Mütants): 1
Dark Elf journeyman* (Buccaneers): 1
Dranas Dradas (Murderers): 1
Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 1
Galhag (Brutes): 1
Galoth (Brutes): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1
Geri (Ravens): 1
Gladroon* (Titans journeyman): 1
Jan Axel Blomberg (Ravens): 1
Morgur (Brutes): 1
Nasty Narsil (Buccaneers): 1
Orodreth Ecthelion (Titans): 1
Piergor (Mütants): 1
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 1
Sorgask (Brutes): 1
Urghuk (Brutes): 1

Fatalities:

Galhag (Brutes): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1

Completions:

Beleg Strongarm (Titans): 6
Carecalmo (Titans): 4
Giron Manas (Murderers): 3
Avil Darksoul (Buccaneers): 2
Clarius Vile (Buccaneers): 2
Teclis Turukáno (Titans): 2
Athlan Icecold (Buccaneers): 1
Balyn Omavel (Murderers): 1
Grab da Bol (Brutes): 1
Hans von Helvete (Ravens): 1
Ilmiril Telinturco (Titans): 1
Meryaren (Titans): 1
Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 1
Mossanon (Titans): 1
Nilos Talds (Murderers): 1
Orodreth Ecthelion (Titans): 1
Savure Uvalor (Murderers): 1
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 1
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 1
Thor Åkenskaldi (Ravens): 1
Tussurradad (Murderers): 1
Ulundil (Titans): 1

Sacks:

Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 2
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 2
Sorgask (Brutes): 2
Teclis Turukáno (Titans): 2
Tyrim (Buccaneers): 2
Azgrum (Brutes): 1
Beleg Strongarm (Titans): 1
Carecalmo (Titans): 1
Clarius Vile (Buccaneers): 1
Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1
Hans von Helvete (Ravens): 1
Kinzgor (Mütants): 1
Orodreth Ecthelion (Titans): 1
Shaungor (Mütants): 1
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 1
Stian Tomt Thoresen* (Ravens): 1
Tussurradad (Murderers): 1

2012 NHL playoff picks

We've done some playoff and World Champs picks before, and they've never gone particularly well. We remain undaunted.

Eastern conference

1. NYR - 8. OTT

Nobody even thought the Senators would make the playoffs, so they've already exceeded expectations by getting this far. If I hadn't seen the Caps-Rangers game where Lundqvist and the Rangers defense couldn't stop a beach ball, I'd have no qualms whatsoever calling this one for the Rangers in five. I'm still picking the Rangers, though.

2. BOS - 7. WSH

Maybe Dale Hunter has actually spent all his time and effort in training the Caps to play devastatingly effective playoff hockey: a solid team defense and top-notch special teams. You know, the stuff they didn't have in the regular season. Unless Tim Thomas goes berserk from the sheer proximity of the federal government, this should be easy for the Bruins. As much as Jack Edwards and Don Cherry make me want to see the Bruins lose horribly, they're unlikely to do it here.

3. FLA - 6. NJ

Kudos to the Panthers for making the playoffs and making the Leafs the only franchise to not make it to the post-season once after the lockout. While I'd like nothing better than to see the Panthers win the East, it's hardly likely they'll make it past the Devils. A solid performance will give them something to build on, even if they lose.

4, PIT - 5. PHI

After five regular season head-to-head games, I would've said Philadelphia. After the feeble, lackluster performance the Flyers phoned in last Saturday, I'm tempted to say Pittsburgh. On the whole, I don't think Philadelphia had the team defense to succeed in the playoffs, but that's what I said when they made it to the finals. I'm betting on Pittsburgh and hoping to lose.

Western conference

1. VAN - 8. LA

I want the Kings to win this series so bad. Full disclosure: I dream of a Panthers-Kings final. I doubt I'll get it. When the Kings hired Darryl Sutter, it was said that he wasn't the right guy to get the Kings the offense they needed; it's that lack of offensive power that's going to sink them against the Canucks. Even Jonathan Quick, who I think should win the Vezina, can only take them so far.

2. STL - 7. SJ

Man, I wish I'd seen more Blues games. The Sharks aren't going anywhere and should have been blown up long ago. Blues in six.

3. PHX - 6. CHI

Five or so years ago, nobody would have believed this was a real playoff series. I can't figure Chicago out: some nights they play like Cup champions, some nights... not. They'll win this one in five games, though.

4. NSH - 5. DET

The Central Division's really been something this year. The Wings and Preds split the season series right down the middle, so this one's anyone's guess. The big question marks are on the Wings' side: will Johan Franzén show up? Which Henrik Zetterberg turns up, the dominating post-season veteran or the useless turnover machine? How will whoever they put in goal do? I'm saying Nashville in seven after a Red Wings choke-up reminiscent of their last trip to the finals.

HKIRBBTL: Titans-Buccaneers 2-1

The story of the Helsinki-Kotka Interregional Turboleague continues as the Tor Achare Titans travel to meet the Blood River Buccaneers! The two teams last met in the Antares Autobowl, where the Titans secured a 2-1 victory in an eventful game.

It's always tricky arranging a Blood Bowl game between sworn enemies like the Dark Elves and High Elves, and as thousands of fans gathered for this game, tensions ran high and finally boiled over when fans of both teams stormed the pitch on the opening kickoff! A few players were knocked down, but the onset of a ferocious rainstorm helped clear the pitch, and play started with the Titans kicking.

The receiving Buccaneers smashed into the Titans, with witch elf Solana Spikeheel leading the way by knocking out Titans catcher Faramir Neithan. Buccaneers runner Clarius Vile struggled to pick up the ball in the driving rain, but blitzer Mordak Blackheart knocked Titans lineman Ulundil out cold. A scrum developed by the Titans' left sideline, as the Buccaneers pushed Titans lineman Orodreth Ecthelion perilously close to the roaring crowd. Buccaneers lineman Khali charged the high elf, trying to push him into the crowd, but Orodreth surprised the dark elf with a devastating hit that sent Khali off the field with a concussion. Mere seconds later Mordak Blackheart blitzed Orodreth into the crowd, and fellow blitzer Athlan Icecold knocked out Titans thrower Beleg Strongarm.

Behind the carnage, Clarius Vile secured the ball, and with the Titans outnumbered 7-10, a Buccaneers touchdown seemed imminent. The Titans weren't quite done yet, though! Blitzer Finrod Angamaitë dodged away from the Buccaneers marking him and blitzed Clarius Vile. The runner quickly dumped off the ball, and Finrod Angamaitë intercepted the dump-off! Sadly for the Titans, he may have overreached himself, as Clarius Vile was able to knock him down. Solana Spikeheel recovered the ball. Even though Titans blitzer Teclis Turukáno added to his league lead in casualties by sending off Buccaneers blitzer Nasty Narsil, there was nothing he or anyone else could do to stop Solana Spikeheel from scoring to put the Buccaneers up 1-0.

There was only time for a short, desultory Titans drive before the first half ended. Orodreth Ecthelion had managed to make his way back to the Titans bench from the stands, but the pouring rain frustrated his attempt to record a completion. The Titans' apothecaries did a great job at halftime, succesfully reviving the knocked-out players for a second half where the Titans would now outnumber the Buccaneers.

Play started with Orodreth catching the kickoff and passing the ball to Beleg Strongarm. The Titans were still struggling to keep their players in the game as Buccaneers lineman Malsadrian knocked out Titans kicker Carecalmo, but catcher Faramir Neithan broke through the outnumbered Buccaneers and caught a pass from Beleg in the end zone for the Titans' first touchdown of the game.

Kicker Carecalmo was revived in time for the kickoff, and continued his excellent performance by planting the ball squarely in the far left corner of the field. The rain had stopped and with the gridiron quickly drying, the Buccaneers grabbed the ball and stormed toward the Titans' end zone. The visiting team continued their steady parade to the KO box as Buccaneers blitzer Avil Darksoul knocked out Titans lineman Caryarel Mothril, and Titans blitzer Finrod Angamaitë retaliated by knocking out Buccaneers lineman Tyrim.

As Buccaneers runner Clarius Vile dashed for the end zone he was sacked by Titans kicker Carecalmo, sending the ball bouncing wildly. After Mordak Blackheart failed to catch it, the ball bounced over the sideline and was thrown back into play by the crowd! Spotting his chance, Titans blitzer Teclis Turukáno dodged away from his marker, grabbed the ball and threw it to catcher Faramir Neithan, who ran down the pitch for his second touchdown of the game!

As the Buccaneers regrouped for their reception, a riot broke out in the stands! By the time order was restored, the game clock had run down, and more time was put on the clock - too much in the Titans' opinion, but the referees weren't swayed. This gave the Buccaneers an excellent opportunity to attempt the equalizer. Clarius Vile retrieved the ball and handed it off to lineman Hehtar, whose pass to Mordak Blackheart was off target. Titans thrower Beleg Strongarm grabbed the ball and tried a long pass to Faramir Neithan, but his pass also missed. Clarius Vile made one last attempt to recover the ball, but he fumbled it and the game came to an end as a 2-1 victory for the Titans.

**

Boxscore

Fans: TIT 8,000, BRB 6,000
FAME: TIT +1
Starting weather: pouring rain

BRB inducements: Bloodweiser babe (50,000 gp)

Titans win coin toss, elect to kick.

First half, Buccaneers receiving (pitch invasion)

BRB T1: BRB #7 blocks TIT #12, double skull, TURNOVER
TIT T1: TIT #12 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
BRB T2: BRB #13 blitzes TIT #7, KO; BRB #11 fails to pick up the ball, TURNOVER
BRB T3: BRB #7 blocks TIT #16, KO; BRB #14 blocks TIT #15, skull, serious concussion, TURNOVER
BRB T4: BRB #7 blitzes TIT #15 into the crowd, stunned; BRB #11 picks up the ball
BRB T5: BRB #10 blitzes TIT #3, KO
TIT T5: TIT #1 dodges twice, blitzes BRB #11 who dumps off the ball. TIT #1 intercepts the dump-off, rolls a skull for the block, TURNOVER
BRB T6: BRB #13 picks up the ball
TIT T7: TIT #2 blitzes BRB #8, badly hurt
BRB T8: BRB #13 scores TOUCHDOWN

Titans receiving (brilliant coaching, TIT +1 reroll)

TIT T8: TIT #15 picks up the ball, passes to TIT #9, catch fails, TURNOVER

End of first half.

Second half, Titans receiving (quick snap)

TIT #15 catches kick-off.

TIT T1: TIT #15 passes to TIT #3, completion
BRB T1: BRB #2 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
BRB T2: BRB #3 blocks TIT #9, KO
BRB T3: BRB #5 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
TIT T4: TIT #3 passes to TIT #7, TOUCHDOWN

Buccaneers receiving (changing weather -> nice)

BRB T4: BRB #9 blocks TIT #13, KO; BRB #11 picks up the ball
BRB T6: BRB #9 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
TIT T7: TIT #1 blocks BRB #2, KO; TIT #9 sacks BRB #11 (stunned); ball bounces to BRB #7, catch failed, ball bounces out of bounds; TIT #2 picks up the ball, passes to TIT #7 who scores TOUCHDOWN

Bucaneers receiving (riot, turn marker moved back)

BRB T6: BRB #11 picks up the ball
BRB T7: BRB #11 hands off to BRB #5, who passes to BRB #7, inaccurate pass, TURNOVER
TIT T8: TIT #3 picks up the ball, attempts long bomb to TIT #2, inaccurate pass, TURNOVER
BRB T8: BRB #11 dodges, fails to pick up the ball, TURNOVER

End of game.

Revenue: TIT 70,000, BRB 50,000

Fan factor: TIT +1, BRB -0

MVP: BRB #13, TIT #10

Advancement rolls: TIT #7 10 (MA/AV/new skill), BRB #13 2 (new skill)

**

Lineups:

Tor Achare Titans

#1 Finrod Angamaitë (blitzer) [interception]
#2 Teclis Turukáno (blitzer) [casualty, completion]
#3 Beleg Strongarm (thrower) [completion]
#7 Faramir Neithan (catcher) [touchdown * 2]
#9 Carecalmo (lineman) [sack]
#10 Ilmiril Telinturco (lineman) [MVP]
#12 Morelion Tethlis (lineman)
#13 Caryarel Mothril (lineman)
#14 Meryaren (lineman)
#15 Orodreth Ecthelion (lineman) [casualty, completion]
#16 Ulundil (lineman)

Blood River Buccaneers

#2 Tyrim (lineman)
#3 Malsadrian (lineman)
#4 Mornil (lineman)
#5 Hehtar (lineman)
#7 Mordak Blackheart (blitzer)
#8 Nasty Narsil (blitzer) [badly hurt]
#9 Avil Darksoul (blitzer)
#10 Athlan Icecold (blitzer)
#11 Clarius Vile (runner) [sack]
#13 Solana Spikeheel (witch elf) [touchdown, MVP]
#14 Khali (lineman) [serious concussion]

**

League table: [pts, goal differential, casualty differential, fatalities, completions, interceptions, sacks]

Brutes (4-0-0) 12 pts, 10-0, 6-2, 1, 1, 0, 2-2
Titans (3-2-0) 9 pts, 5-5, 9-2, 0, 13, 1, 6-4
Ravens (2-2-0) 6 pts, 4-6, 4-5, 0, 2, 0, 2-1
Mütants (1-1-1) 4 pts, 2-3, 3-3, 0, 0, 0, 2-6
Buccaneers (1-3-0) 3 pts, 4-5, 2-7, 0, 6, 0, 5-3
Murderers (0-3-1) 1 pts, 2-8, 1-8, 0, 8, 0, 3-3

**

Individual statistics:


Touchdowns:

Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 3
Leifur Eriksson (Ravens): 3
Faramir Neithan (Titans): 2
Grab da Bol (Brutes): 2
Grambad (Brutes): 2
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 2
Sorgask (Brutes): 2
Dexgor (Mütants): 1
Galfir (Buccaneers): 1
Galhag (Brutes): 1
Galoth (Brutes): 1
Gorgor (Mütants): 1
Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 1
Savure Uvalor (Murderers): 1
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 1
Solana Spikeheel (Buccaneers): 1
Tomas Haugen (Ravens): 1
Tyrim (Buccaneers): 1

Interceptions:

Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 1

Casualties:

Teclis Turukáno (Titans): 5
Harald Hårdare (Ravens): 2
Boss the Unbeaten (Mütants): 1
Braga da 'Ed Bash'a (Brutes): 1
Carecalmo (Titans): 1
Cyrus the Unbeliever (Mütants): 1
Dark Elf journeyman* (Buccaneers): 1
Dranas Dradas (Murderers): 1
Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 1
Galhag (Brutes): 1
Galoth (Brutes): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1
Geri (Ravens): 1
Gladroon* (Titans journeyman): 1
Jan Axel Blomberg (Ravens): 1
Morgur (Brutes): 1
Nasty Narsil (Buccaneers): 1
Orodreth Ecthelion (Titans): 1
Piergor (Mütants): 1
Sorgask (Brutes): 1
Urghuk (Brutes): 1

Fatalities:

Galhag (Brutes): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1

Completions:

Beleg Strongarm (Titans): 5
Carecalmo (Titans): 3
Giron Manas (Murderers): 3
Avil Darksoul (Buccaneers): 2
Clarius Vile (Buccaneers): 2
Athlan Icecold (Buccaneers): 1
Balyn Omavel (Murderers): 1
Hans von Helvete (Ravens): 1
Ilmiril Telinturco (Titans): 1
Meryaren (Titans): 1
Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 1
Nilos Talds (Murderers): 1
Orodreth Ecthelion (Titans): 1
Savure Uvalor (Murderers): 1
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 1
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 1
Teclis Turukáno (Titans): 1
Thor Åkenskaldi (Ravens): 1
Tussurradad (Murderers): 1
Ulundil (Titans): 1

Sacks:

Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 2
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 2
Teclis Turukáno (Titans): 2
Tyrim (Buccaneers): 2
Azgrum (Brutes): 1
Beleg Strongarm (Titans): 1
Carecalmo (Titans): 1
Clarius Vile (Buccaneers): 1
Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1
Hans von Helvete (Ravens): 1
Kinzgor (Mütants): 1
Orodreth Ecthelion (Titans): 1
Shaungor (Mütants): 1
Sorgask (Brutes): 1
Stian Tomt Thoresen* (Ravens): 1
Tussurradad (Murderers): 1

Happy birthday Natascha Ragosina!

A very happy birthday to the hottest female fighter in the world, Natalia Yurievna Ragozina!

For whatever reason, her name is usually anglicized as Ragosina, even though з is ISO-properly romanized as z.

One of her nicknames is "the Russian Tzarina". She's the best argument I've ever seen for us returning to the bosom of Mother Russia.

Happy birthday!

Mike Milbury and Sidney Crosby

So this happened:

CBC: Mike Milbury calls out Crosby for role in Penguins-Flyers brawl

Speaking on Sports Radio 94WIP Monday, Milbury ripped Crosby for his role in instigating a game-ending line brawl in Sunday's game between the Penguins and Flyers. The chaotic scene resulted in 52 minutes in penalties being assessed between the two teams.

The fighting was touched off in part by Flyers forward Brayden Schenn's cross-check to Crosby.

"Little goody two shoes [Crosby] goes into the corner and gives a shot to Schenn. Schenn was late to the party, he should have turned around and drilled him right away, but I guess better late than never," said Milbury, who is an analyst on CBC and NBC.

"So you know, Crosby gets cross-checked, big whoop. He said after he came back from his 35th concussion, 'I'm not going to do this anymore, I'm not going to get into this scrums, I'm going to stay away from that stuff.' He couldn't help himself because there's a little punk in Crosby.

Let's get two things out of the way. First of all, making fun of concussions is just stupid. Do remember Chris Pronger. Secondly, Milbury's remark about Pittsburgh coach Dan Bylsma's "skirt" is stupid and reprehensibly sexist. He deserves to be censured for it, but his employment at CBC is probably secure, given the kind of people they employ on their hockey broadcasts. It's really not too hard to see that Milbury's main motivation in all the nonsense he gets up to is to secure his position as Don Cherry's successor to Crazy Loud-Dressing Shouty Bigot's Corner. He's going to need to amp up the wardrobe, though. Not looking forward to it. Frankly, I shouldn't have called Crosby "Cindy" either; it was stupid and sexist of me and I apologize. It's tough to not lapse into sexist language when talking about sports, especially about the most homophobic and misogynist major team sport of them all. I shall try to do better.

Having said all this, there are two larger points that shouldn't be overlooked. Firstly, as this blog has maintained for years, Sidney Crosby is, on the ice, a disgusting punk. He slashes and cross-checks other players, takes monstrous dives when someone as much as touches him, and cries about it to the media afterward. They, having enshrined him as the Messiah of Hockey, lap it all up. Milbury knows what he's doing when he goes after Crosby; he can only raise this big a shitstorm by attacking the Anointed Next One. So in my opinion, apart from the stupid concussion remark, Milbury is right on the money about Crosby.

Not too long ago, Milbury was still drinking the same Kool-Aid as the rest of the media, because just last year he called Crosby "the perfect face of the league". Either he's come to his senses, or this is just a publicity stunt. Funnily enough, Don Cherry also doesn't have a very high opinion of Crosby. He may be a bigoted nutcase, but at least he's called Crosby out on diving and crying to the refs. The dive Crosby takes on Schenn's cross-check is vintage Sidney.

The second point is that although talking about Bylsma's "skirt" is appalling, the point Milbury is trying to make in his particular knuckledragging caveman idiom is that by the standards of hockey, Bylsma's no innocent. Sending out your fourth-liners to go after Danny Briere like that is asking for a fight, and Bylsma must know it. The Penguins have lost the game, and Bylsma's using his last change to get the fourth-liners out there to injure the Flyers' stars. That's just not cricket, and Bylsma deserves to be called out on it. Philadelphia has completely outplayed Pittsburgh this year, and Bylsma's resorting to dirty tricks to get a leg up in the almost certainly upcoming playoff series.

So on the whole, if Milbury hadn't delivered his message in such a classless, sexist and plain dumb way, I'd completely agree with him. But I suppose he really is gunning for Cherry's job, and so there's really no other way he could have delivered it.

Ancient Aliens is a ridiculous pack of lies

I've been meaning to write a longer post about the farcical "History" Channel show called Ancient Aliens. For now, though, I'll just post this brief note. I recently watched one of its most-viewed episodes, "Unexplained Structures", and having seen it, I want to make one thing perfectly clear:

Do not believe a single thing the people on that show say. They're lying.

While it's possible that some of them mean well and are just misguided, the overwhelming majority of them are deliberately misrepresenting the truth in order to sell you stuff. The genuine scientists on the show probably aren't lying, but frankly, I question the judgement of anyone who appears on that show and isn't a kook trying to sell you a magic healing stone.

Let's just take a few examples from that particular episode. Firstly, Göbekli Tepe, the prehistoric megalithic site in Turkey. It's a pretty impressive, even revolutionary archeological find, but that doesn't stop Alien Hair Guy and his buddies lying about it. For crying out loud, the Wikipedia page I just linked tells us that even though the show says the opposite, both flint stone-working tools and the quarry the rocks were cut from have been found at the site. So there's no mystery whatsoever to how it was constructed. By people. With tools. No extraterrestrials necessary for assembly.

Much of the rest of the episode is set firmly in woo-land, with the usual wild narrative hopscotch ("if so...") and straight-up nonsense like the vimana dude walking among the Carnac stones and talking about their mystical auras. The bit set in the Americas does contain one of my favorite Ancient Aliens lines ever, when one of the "experts" explains that some of the Inca stonework has been exposed to large amounts of "thermal heat". The best kind, really.

By the way, they seem to mean vitrified stone. In both this and a previous episode, Ancient Aliens seems to treat vitrification as something that happens when an alien shoots a ray gun at a stone block. In reality, it just means the stones were exposed to fire. It may have been done deliberately, although it actually weakens the stone. Now, stone age people might not know that, but surely the aliens would. In my mind, their suggestion that the Inca built using alien rock-melting technology is completely ridiculous. If you have what basically amounts to concrete and want to build a wall, certainly you'd build a mould of the wall and pour in the concrete, as opposed to molding thousands of different-sized stone blocks and fashioning a wall out of them. But never mind that, here's an Inca shaman with a censer, and he says woo.

But it's the already mentioned Carnac stones that bring us to the most fantastically stupid claim in the whole episode: Alien Hair Guy tells us they're one of only three objects on Earth that are visible from space. He lists the Carnac stones, the Nazca lines (a perennial Ancient Aliens favorite) and, of course, the Great Wall of China.

Now, once again, there's a Wikipedia page: Man-made structures visible from space. It will tell you, if you don't know already, that from any altitude where the Great Wall is visible, so are a whole bunch of other things. The same goes for the Nazca lines, and as for Carnac, well, look at them:

The individual stones are really quite small, and if they're that evanescent in an aerial photo, do you really think they're uniquely visible from space? The claim is totally absurd. Then again, that information and the picture are from Wikipedia, and if you're liable to believe Alien Hair Guy, you probably think Wikipedia is a reptilian disinformation operation. Like this blog. Boo!

In fact, I couldn't find any source for the notion that the Carnac stones are visible from space... except Alien Hair Guy. Mostly the claim appears in the exact same "one of only three objects" form he made it in. So he literally made that up. And that's really what this show is about: making stuff up. Specifically, inventing totally implausible claims with no regard for observable reality or even Wikipedia-level research. Since just about everything I've ever fact-checked from that show has turned out to be just lies, I frankly recommend no-one believe a thing that's said on it without double-checking it. Even better, don't watch the damn thing at all. Nothing they've ever presented has any merit, and the joke gets kinda old pretty quick. Real history is much more interesting, exciting and even, at times, mysterious than puerile "lol aliens" TV.

Ancient Aliens does take your mind to another dimension. Unfortunately, it's made up, and it sucks.