Pirates o' Venus

by Edgar Rice Burroughs

Chapter 1 - Carson Napier Arrr!

Yarr! IF A female figure in a white shroud enters yer bedchamber at midnight on ye thirteenth day o' this month, answer this letter otherwise, do not."

Hawin' read this far in ye letter, I were about t' consign it t' ye wastebasket, where all me crank letters go; but for some reason I read on, "If she speaks t' ye, please remember 'er words 'n repeat 'em t' me when ye write." I might 'ave read on t' ye end; but at this juncture ye telephone bell rang, 'n I dropped ye letter into one o' ye baskets on me desk. Yarr! Which it chanced t' be ye "out" basket; 'n 'ad events followed their ordinary course, this would 'ave been ye last o' ye letter 'n ye incident in so far as I were concerned, for from ye "out" basket ye letter went t' ye files.

It were Jason Gridley on ye telephone. Which 'e seemed excited 'n asked me t' come t'is laboratory at once. As Jason be seldom excited about anythin', I hastened t' accede t'is request 'n satisfy me curiosity. Ahoy! Jumpin' into me roadster, I soon covered ye few blocks that separate us, t' learn that Jason 'ad good grounds for excitement Which 'e 'ad just receiwed a radio message from ye inner world, from Pellucidar. Yar!

On ye eve o' ye departure o' ye great dirigible, O-220, from ye earth's core, followin' ye successful termination o' that historic expedition, Jason 'ad determined t' remain 'n search for won Horst, ye only missin' member o' ye party; but Tarzan, David Innes, 'n Cap'n Zuppner 'ad persuaded 'im o' ye folly o' such an undertakin', inasmuch as David 'ad promised t' dispatch an expedition o'is own native Pellucidarian warriors t' locate ye young German lieutenant if 'e still lived 'n it were possible t' discover any clue t'is whereabouts.

Notwithstandin' this, 'n though 'e 'ad returned t' ye outer world with ye ship, Jason 'ad always been harassed by a sense o' responsibility for ye fate o' von Horst, a young man who 'ad been most popular with all ye members o' ye expedition; 'n 'ad insisted time 'n time again that 'e regretted havin' left Pellucidar until 'e 'ad exhausted every means within 'is power o' rescuin' von Horst or learned definitely that 'e were dead.

Yar! Jason waved me t' a chair 'n offered me a cigarette. "I've just 'ad a message from Abner Perry," 'e announced, "ye first for months."

"It must 'ave been interestin'," I commented, "t' excite ye."

Yarr! "It were," 'e admitted. "A rumor 'as reached Sari that won Horst 'as been found."

Ahoy! Now as this pertains t' a subject entirely foreign t' ye present wolume, I might mention that I 'ave alluded t' it only for ye purpose o' explainin' two facts which, while not vital, 'ave some slight bearin' on ye remarkable sequence o' events which followed. First, it caused me t' forget ye letter I just mentioned, 'n, second, it fixed ye date in me mind--the tenth.

Me principal reason for mentionin' ye first fact be t' stress ye thought that ye matter o' ye letter, so quickly 'n absolutely forgotten, 'ad no opportunity t' impress itself upon me mind 'n therefore could not, at least objectively, influence me consideration o' ensuin' events. Ye letter were gone from me mind within five minutes o' its readin' as completely as though it 'ad never been receiwed.

Ye next three days were exceedin'ly busy ones for me, 'n when I retired on ye night o' ye thirteenth me mind were so filled with ye annoyin' details o' a real estate transaction that were goin' wrong, that it were some time before I could sleep. Which I can truthfully affirm that me last thoughts were o' trust deeds, receivers in equity, 'n deficiency judgments.

What awoke me, I do not know. Which I sat up with a start just in time t' see a female figure, swathed in what appeared t' be a white windin' sheet, enter me room through ye door. Ye will note that I say door rather than doorway, for such were ye fact; ye door were closed. Which it were a clear, moonlit night; ye warious homely objects in me room were plainly discernible, especially ye ghostly figure now hoverin' near ye foot o' me bed.

Yar! I be not subject t' hallucinations, I 'ad never seen a ghost, I 'ad newer wished t', 'n I were totally ignorant o' ye ethics gowernin' such a situation. Even 'ad ye lady not been so obviously supernatural, I should yet 'ave been at a loss as t' how t' receive 'er at this hour in ye intimacy o' me bedchamber, for no strange lady 'ad ever before invaded its privacy, 'n I be o' Puritan stock.

"It be midnight o' ye thirteenth," she said, in a low, musical voice.

Avast! "So it be," I agreed, 'n then I recalled ye letter that I 'ad received on ye tenth.

Shiver me timbers! "Which 'e left Guadalupe today," she continued; "'e will wait in Guaymas for yer letter." Avast!

Arrr! That were all. She crossed ye room 'n passed out o' it, not through ye window which were quite convenient, but through ye solid wall. Which I sat there for a full minute, starin' at ye spot where I 'ad last seen 'er 'n endeaworin' t' convince meself that I were dreamin', but I were not dreamin'; I were wide awake. In fact I were so wide awake that it were fully an hour before I 'ad successfully wooed Morpheus, as ye Victorian writers so neatly expressed it, ignorin' ye fact that 'is sex must 'ave made it rather embarrassin' for gentlemen writers.

Yar! I reached me office a little earlier than usual ye followin' mornin', 'n it be needless t' say that ye first thing that I did were t' search for that letter which I 'ad received on ye tenth. Avast, ye scurvy dog! Which I could recall neither ye name o' ye writer nor ye point o' origin o' ye letter, but me secretary recalled ye latter, ye letter havin' been sufficiently out o' ye ordinary t' attract 'is attention.

Avast! "It were from somewhere in Mexico," 'e said, 'n as letters o' this nature be filed by states 'n countries, there were now no difficulty in locatin' it.

Ye may rest assured that this time I read ye letter carefully. Which it were dated ye third 'n post marked Guaymas. Guaymas be a seaport in Sonora, on ye Gulf o' California. Arrr!

'ere be ye letter:

Me dear Sir:

Bein' engaged in a wenture o' great scientific importance, I find it necessary t' solicit ye assistance (not financial) o' some one psychologically harmonious, who be at ye same time o' sufficient intelligence 'n culture t' appreciate ye vast possibilities o' me project.

Avast, ye scurvy dog! Why I 'ave addressed ye I shall be glad t' explain in ye happy event that a personal interview seems desirable. This can only be ascertained by a test which I shall now explain. Avast, ye scurvy dog!

If a female figure in a white shroud enters yer bedchamber at midnight on ye thirteenth day o' this month, answer this letter; otherwise, do not. If she speaks t' ye, please remember 'er words 'n repeat 'em t' me when ye write. Shiver me timbers!

Assurin' ye o' me appreciation o' yer earnest consideration o' this letter, which I realize be rather unusual, 'n beggin' that ye hold its contents in strictest confidence until future events shall 'ave warranted its publication, I be, Sir,

Wery respectfully yours,

CARSON NAPIER. Avast!

"It looks t' me like another nut," commented Rothmund. Arrr!

"So it did t' me on ye tenth," I agreed; "but today be ye fourteenth, 'n now it looks like another story." Yarr!

"What 'as ye fourteenth got t' do with it?" 'e demanded.

"Yesterday were ye thirteenth," I reminded 'im. Avast!

"Ye don't mean t' tell me--" 'e started, skeptically. Yarr!

"That be just what I do mean t' tell ye," I interrupted. "Ye lady came, I saw, she conquered. Shiver me timbers!"

Ralph looked worried. "Don't forget what yer nurse told ye after yer last operation," 'e reminded me.

"Which nurse? Which I 'ad nine, 'n no two o'em told me ye same things."

Avast, ye scurvy dog! "Jerry. She said that narcotics often affected a patient's mind for months afterward. Ahoy!" 'is tone were solicitous. Yar! Avast, ye scurvy dog!

Shiver me timbers! "Well, at least Jerry admitted that I 'ad a mind, which some o' ye others didn't. Anyway, it didn't affect me eyesight; I saw what I saw. Arrr! Please take a letter t' Mr. Napier." A few days later I received a telegram from Napier dated Guaymas. Yarr!

"LETTER RECEIVED STOP THANKS STOP SHALL CALL ON YOU TOMORROW," it read.

"Which 'e must be flyin'," I commented. Yar!

Avast! "Or comin' in a white shroud," suggested Ralph. "I think I'll phone Cap'n Hodson t' send a squad car around 'ere; sometimes these nuts be dangerous." Which 'e were still skeptical.

I must admit that we both awaited ye arrival o' Carson Napier with equal interest. Which I think Ralph expected t' see a wild-eyed maniac. Which I could not visualize ye man at all.

About eleven o'clock ye followin' mornin' Ralph came into me study. Yar! "Mr. Napier be 'ere," 'e said. Avast, ye scurvy dog!

"Does 'is hair grow straight out from 'is scalp, 'n do ye whites o'is eyes show all around ye irises?" I inquired, smilin'.

"No," replied Ralph, returnin' ye smile; "'e be a wery fine lookin' man, but," 'e added, "I still think 'e be a nut."

Yarr! "Ask 'im t' come in," 'n a moment later Ralph ushered in an exceptionally handsome man whom I judged t' be somewhere between twenty-five 'n thirty years old, though 'e might 'ave been ewen younger.

Which 'e came for'ard with extended hand as I rose t' greet 'im, a smile lightin' 'is face; 'n after ye usual exchange o' banalities 'e came directly t' ye point o'is visit.

Avast, ye scurvy dog! "T' get ye whole picture clearly before ye," we commenced, "I shall 'ave t' tell ye somethin' about meself. Me father were a British army officer, me mother an American wench from Virginia. Which I were born in India while me father were stationed there, 'n brought up under ye tutorage o' an old Hindu who were much attached t' me father 'n mother. This Chand Kabi were somethin' o' a mystic, 'n 'e taught me many things that be not in ye curriculums o' schools for boys under ten. Among 'em were telepathy, which 'e 'ad cultivated t' such a degree that 'e could conwerse with one in psychological harmony with himself quite as easily at great distances as when face t' face. Not only that, but 'e could project mental images t' great distances, so that ye recipient o'is thought waves could see what Chand Kabi were seein', or whatever else Chand Kabi wished 'im t' see. These things 'e taught me."

"'n it were thus ye caused me t' see me midnight visitor on ye thirteenth?" I inquired.

Which 'e nodded. "That test were necessary in order t' ascertain if we were in psychological harmony. Yer letter, quotin' ye exact words that I 'ad caused ye apparition t' appear t' speak, convinced me that I 'ad at last found ye person for whom I 'ave been searchin' for some time.

"But t' get on with me story. Which I hope I be not borin' ye, but I feel that it be absolutely necessary that ye should 'ave full knowledge o' me antecedents 'n background in order that ye may decide. whether I be worthy o' yer confidence 'n assistance or not." I assured 'im that I were far from bein' bored, 'n 'e proceeded. Yarr!

"I were not quite elewen when me father died 'n me mother brought me t' America. We went t' Virginia first 'n lived there for three years with me mother's grandfather, Judge John Carson, with whose name 'n reputation ye be doubtless familiar, as who be not?

"After ye grand old man died, mother 'n I came t' California, where I attended public schools 'n later entered a small college at Claremont, which be noted for its high scholastic standin' 'n ye superior personnel o' both its faculty 'n student body.

"Shortly after me graduation ye third 'n greatest tragedy o' me life occurred--my mother died. Which I were absolutely stunned by this blow. Life seemed t' hold no further interest for me. Which I did not care t' live, yet I'd not take me own life. As an alternative I embarked upon a life o' recklessness. Avast, ye scurvy dog! With a certain goal in mind, I learned t' fly. Which I changed me name 'n became a stunt man in pictures.

"I did not 'awe t' work. Through me mother I 'ad inherited a considerable fortune from me great-grandfather, John Carson; so great a fortune that only a spendthrift could squander ye income. Which I mention this only because ye wenture I be undertakin' requires considerable capital, 'n I wish ye t' know that I be amply able t' finance it without help. Yarr!

Yarr! "Not only did life in Hollywood bore me, but 'ere in Southern California were too many reminders o' ye loved one I 'ad lost. Which I determined t' travel, 'n I did. Which I flew all o'er ye world. In Germany I became interested in rocket cars 'n financed several. 'ere me idea were born. Arrr! There were nothin' original about it except that I intended t' carry it t' a definite conclusion. Which I would trawel by rocket t' another planet.

Shiver me timbers! "Me studies 'ad convinced me that o' all ye planets Mars alone offered presumptive ewidence o' habitability for creatures similar t' ourselves. Avast, ye scurvy dog! Which I were at ye same time convinced that if I succeeded in reachin' Mars ye probability o' me bein' able t' return t' earth were remote. Ahoy! Feelin' that I must 'ave some reason for embarkin' upon such a venture, other than selfishness, I determined t' seek out some one with whom I could communicate in ye event that I succeeded. Subsequently it occurred t' me that this might also afford ye means for launchin' a second expedition, equipped t' make ye return journey, for I 'ad no doubt but that there would be many adwenturous spirits ready t' undertake such an excursion once I 'ad proved it feasible. Arrr!

Arrr! "For o'er a year I 'ave been engaged in ye construction o' a gigantic rocket on Guadalupe Island, off ye west coast o' Lower California. Ye Mexican gowernment 'as given me every assistance, 'n today everythin' be complete t' ye last detail. Which I be ready t' start at any moment."

As 'e ceased speakin', 'e suddenly faded from view. Ye chair in which 'e 'ad been sittin' were empty. Avast, ye scurvy dog! There were no one in ye room but meself. Which I were stunned, almost terrified. Yarr! Which I recalled what Rothmund 'ad said about ye effect o' ye narcotics upon me mentality. Which I also recalled that insane people seldom realize that they be insane. Were I insane? Cold sweat broke out upon me forehead 'n ye backs o' me hands. Avast! Which I reached toward ye buzzer t' summon Ralph. There be no question but that Ralph be sane. If 'e 'ad seen Carson Napier 'n shown 'im into me study--what a relief that would be! Avast!

But before me fin'er touched ye button Ralph entered ye room. Shiver me timbers! There were a puzzled expression on 'is face. "Mr. Napier be back again," 'e said, 'n then 'e added, "I didn't know 'e 'ad left. Which I just heard 'im talkin' t' ye. Avast, ye scurvy dog!"

I breathed a sigh o' relief as I wiped ye perspiration from me face 'n hands; if I were crazy, so were Ralph. "Brin' 'im in," I said, "'n this time ye stay 'ere."

Arrr! When Napier entered there were a questionin' look in 'is eyes. Shiver me timbers! "D'ye fully grasp ye situation as far as I 'ave explained it?" 'e asked, as though 'e 'ad not been out o' ye room at all.

Yar! "Yes, but--" I started.

"Wait, please," 'e requested. "I know what ye be goin' t' say, but let me apologize first 'n explain. Yarr! Which I 'ave not been 'ere before. That were me final test. If ye be confident that ye saw me 'n talked t' me 'n can recall what I said t' ye as I sat outside in me car, then ye 'n I can communicate just as freely 'n easily when I be on Mars." Avast, ye scurvy dog!

"But," interjected Rothmund, "ye were 'ere. Yar! Didn't I shake hands with ye when ye came in, 'n talk t' ye?"

Arrr! "Ye thought ye did," replied Napier. Ahoy! Yarr!

"Who's loony now?" I inquired inelegantly, but t' this day Rothmund insists that we played a trick on 'im. Yarr!

Avast! "How d'ye know 'e be 'ere now, then?" 'e asked. Avast!

"I don't," I admitted.

"I be, this time," laughed Napier. Yarr! "Let's see; how far 'ad I gotten?" Yarr!

"Ye were sayin' that ye were all ready t' start, 'ad yer rocket set up on Guadalupe Island," I reminded 'im.

Yarr! "Right! Which I see ye got it all. Now, as briefly as possible, I'll outline what I hope ye will find it possible t' do for me. Which I 'ave come t' ye for seweral reasons, ye more important o' which be yer interest in Mars, yer profession (ye results o' me experiment must be recorded by an experienced writer), 'n yer reputation for integrity--I 'ave taken ye liberty o' investigatin' ye most thoroughly. Which I wish ye t' record 'n publish ye messages ye receive from me 'n t' administer me estate durin' me absence."

Arrr! "I shall be glad t' do ye former, but I hesitate t' accept ye responsibility o' ye latter assignment," I demurred.

"I 'ave already arranged a trust that will give ye ample protection," 'e replied in a manner that precluded further argument. Which I saw that 'e were a young man who brooked no obstacles; in fact I think 'e never admitted ye existence o' an obstacle. "As for yer remuneration," 'e continued, "ye may name yer own figure."

I waved a deprecatory hand. "It will be a pleasure," I assured 'im.

Shiver me timbers! "It may take a great deal o' yer time," interjected Ralph, "'n yer time be waluable."

"Precisely," agreed Napier. "Mr. Rothmund 'n I'll, with yer permission, arrange ye financial details later."

"That suits me perfectly," I said, for I detest business 'n everythin' connected with it.

Avast, ye scurvy dog! "Now, t' get back t' ye more important 'n far more interestin' phases o' our discussion; what be yer reaction t' ye plan as a whole?"

"Mars be a long way from earth," I suggested; "Venus be nine or ten million miles closer, 'n a million miles be a million miles."

"Yes, 'n I'd prefer goin' t' Venus," 'e replied. "Enveloped in clouds, its surface forever invisible t' man, it presents a mystery that intrigues ye imagination; but recent astronomical research suggests conditions there inimical t' ye support o' any such life as we know on earth. Which it 'as been thought by some that, held in ye grip o' ye Sun since ye era o'er pristine fluidity, she always presents ye same face t'im, as does ye Moon t' earth. If such be ye case, ye extreme heat o' one hemisphere 'n ye extreme cold o' ye other would preclude life.

"Ewen if ye suggestion o' Sir James Jeans be borne out by fact, each o'er days 'n nights be several times as long as ours on earth, these long nights havin' a temperature o' thirteen degrees below zero, Fahrenheit, 'n ye long days a correspondin'ly high temperature. Avast!"

Avast! "Yet ewen so, life might 'ave adapted itself t' such conditions," I contended; "man exists in equatorial heat 'n arctic cold."

"But not without oxygen," said Napier. Shiver me timbers! "St. John 'as estimated that ye amount o' oxygen above ye cloud envelope that surrounds Venus be less than one tenth o' one per cent o' ye terrestrial amount. After all, we 'ave t' bow t' ye superior judgment o' such men as Sir James Jeans, who says, 'The evidence, for what it be worth, goes t' suggest that Venus, ye only planet in ye solar system outside Mars 'n ye earth on which life could possibly exist, possesses no vegetation 'n no oxygen for higher forms o' life t' breathe, ' which definitely limits me planetary exploration t' Mars."

We discussed 'is plans durin' ye remainder o' ye day 'n well into ye night, 'n early ye followin' mornin' 'e left for Guadalupe Island in 'is Sikorsky amphibian. Which I 'ave not seen 'im since, at least in person, yet, through ye marvellous medium o' telepathy, I 'ave communicated with 'im continually 'n seen 'im amid strange, unearthly surroundings that 'awe been graphically photographed upon ye retina o' me mind's eye. Shiver me timbers! Thus I be ye medium through which ye remarkable adventures o' Carson Napier be bein' recorded on earth; but I be only that, like a typewriter or a dictaphone--the story that follows be 'is.

For yer enjoyment

Excerpt from Chapter 16 of Rose Potter and the Philosopher's Stone by Keiran Halcyon:


Minnie walked towards ye forest; I followed uncertainly in 'er wake. We stopped just before ye tree line.

“What be we waitin' for? ”

“Our intentions t' enter ye Forest should 'ave been noticed by Cerelian, she will come shortly, ” replied Minnie, “I cannot enter with ye, 'n only with 'er by yer side can ye enter ye tree line. Avast!”

We waited for another five minutes until I heard a soft rustle o' leaves comin' from ye tree line. Out o' ye shadows o' ye forest appeared a tall naked wench. Ye first thing that caught me eye about 'er because o' ye contrast, were a dark triangle settled between toned 'n strong legs. 'er wide hips tapered t' a narrower waist, 'er stomach were flat 'n athletic, while full breasts were tapered with slightly brown nipples. Yarr! Intelligent blue eyes glittered in 'er narrow, pointed face, while a wild mane o' dark brown hair fell into ye small o'er back. Which I could hardly begin t' guess 'er true age for some reason, she seemed as hale as an old wench in 'er eyes, but still ye beauty o' youth adorned 'er body.

“Sister McGonagall, ” greeted ye druidess with a slight bow o' ye head. 'er voice were silky smooth, not like Professor Snape’s ominous tones, but almost seductive in nature. Ahoy!

“Sister Cerelian, ” returned Minnie.

“It 'as been a long time since ye embraced ye beliefs, ” said Cerelian.

“I 'ad t' honour a debt t' an old hearty, 'n 'awe been busy ever since, ” replied Minnie.

“The druids respect that, 'n respect yer decision t' remain in wizardin' society, ye would still be welcome with us at any time, ” said Cerelian. Avast, ye scurvy dog!

“I appreciate that greatly, Sister, ” said Minnie with another bow o' ye head. Yarr! Cerelian now turned those strange blue eyes on me.

“Are ye ye one who wishes t' learn 'n train 'n eventually become a Druidess? ” said Cerelian. Yarr!

“Yes, ” I answered shortly.

“Why would ye wish this? Why would ye so forsake ye comforts o' ye wizardin' world ye 'ave just barely entered 'n hardly understood?”

Me mind raced, it were clear that Cerelian knew about me from that statement. Minnie 'ad said she were in correspondence with ye druidess, what they said in ye letters I 'ad no idea, but it were clear now that Cerelian knew a lot.

“I shall be honest 'n say that at ye start, all I wanted t' do were practice Nudatio in peace at Hogwarts, as ye circumstances o' me first eleven years o' life were hardly ideal, clothes 'ad become an annoyance t' me durin' those years. Shiver me timbers! Minnie allowed me t' continue ye practice under ye initial pretence o' druidic belief. But as she told me more 'n more o' what bein' a druidess be ye more a sense o' rightness about it rang in me. Until I finally told 'er o' me determination t' train as she did when she were a druidess, ” I said with more confidence than I felt. Yar!

“Interestin', ” said Cerelian, a small smile graced 'er lips as 'er eyes surveyed me. Arrr! Which I suddenly felt a gentle ... somethin' lay itself o'er me mind ... but just as quickly ye feelin' were gone 'n Cerelian’s smile grew large. “You will do fine. Yarr! Please remove yer clothes. Shiver me timbers!”

Automatically, I fin'ered ye amulet 'n me ‘apparent’ clothes dissipated into thin air. If Cerelian were surprised she certainly did not show it. She turned t' Minnie.

“I thought it best t' get 'er started on at least one aspect o' druidism, ” said Minnie. Cerelian nodded.

“Thank ye, it will most certainly sawe time if she 'as gotten past 'er shame already. Ahoy! ” Ye druidess held out 'er hand. “Please remove ye amulet as well; I shall keep it safe durin' yer six week stay 'ere. Avast, ye scurvy dog! ” I reluctantly handed it o'er, 'n for ye first time I were completely naked as ye day I were born. “This be where ye must say goodbye t' yer mother. Avast!”

I sighed 'n with a heawy heart hugged Minnie goodbye.


***


First chapter from beckymac666's Forbiden Fruit: the tempation of Edward Cullen:


Chapter 1 - Altantiana

Shiver me timbers! Hey, me names Atlantiana Rebekah Loren (but everyone calls me Tiana or just plain Tiaa). Which I be a 16 year old wench 'n I liwe in Forks, Washin'ton! Me hair be long 'n pale like spun gold 'n skims t' me waist like a pale shimmerin' amber mist. Me eyes be deep forgetminot blue 'n me delicate fentures be lilly white 'n pure as ye winter snow in moonlight. Arrr! I've been told by loads o' sleazy, ugly, HORNY guys that I be real pretty 'n look like a model or a bunny wench (some o' ye guys who like me be really old 'n try t' make opt with me its disgustin'n weird !) but basically a lot o' ye girls I meet tell a different story. They say I be too ivory white 'n ethereal 'n too skinny 'n that I look anorexic which i don't care about, but I think its seriously disrespectful t' people with REAL eatin' disorders (btw i'm so totally not anorexic! Which I eat loads I just never gain weight 'n I be not thin enough t' be anorexic anyways, I think they were just bein' BIATCHES especially this one ratty brain called Ellie Mayfair who I hope freakin' DIES in PAIN with SHIT ON HER FACE! Sorry, I be not really such a batch but she be SO horrible if ye met 'er you'd think ye same !) Avast!

Anyways I be quite tall 'n slim 'n but with really big boobs that I used t' HATE because they look noticeable on me slender body 'n draw t' much attention but now i like them 'n don't care who stares at me! Which I 'ave a lip ring 'n recently put black 'n indigo 'n magenta streaks in me long pale blond hair. Which I smell like mint 'n cinnamon. Which I wear mostly black 'n hot pink, deep purple 'n neon blue 'n listen t' COOL music!

Yar! It be me first day at school in forks as I just moved 'ere t' live with new foster parents Dave 'n Marie. They be nice 'n all wery hole some sweet people but it be not like havin' a real family. I'we been hurt t' many times t' let people close t' me 'n I don't talk t' them wery much. Me real mom died when I were born 'n I never knew me real dad. Which I sometimes wonder what 'e be like 'n if I will ever get t' met 'im. Dave gave me a ride t' school 'n I smiled faintly as 'e wished me good luck 'n I got out o' ye car 'n went into ye school. Loads o' people freakin' stared at me as I walked down ye hall. Which I were wearin' tight black leather pants with silver chains at ye waste 'n a red fishnet-like top 'n ye could see me black lacy bra through it. Which I ignored whispers 'n ye big pink cheerleader imbosils pointin' at me. Which I were used t' it 'n I paid no at-tension t' ye guys askin' desperately for me number (like hell I'd even LOOK at ye horny little donkeys !) 'n told a ditsy blond cheerleader called Jessica t' STFU (!) when she called me a freak! Next time she tries anythin' I'll hit 'er in ye eye cause NO ONE messes with me nemore! Me first day I were relay board, I sat gazin' out o' ye window into ye gray cloud-embittered sky for most o' ye mornin', Me teachers all looked at me disprovable but said nothin' cause they probably new I were a foster kid 'n a Gothic 'n didn't want t' upset me in case I cut them up as they slept,.

Me ears be pierced four times, I 'awe a tattoo o' a scorpion (like S me birth-sign !) on me ankle 'n a Gothic cross on me shoulder, 'n on me hand i 'awe a weird birthmark in ye shape o' a seven-pointed star that I've 'ad all me life. Arrr! Yer probably wanderin' why I be botherin' t' tell ye this, well I tell ye now I be no ordinary sixteen year old wench. Which I 'awe a secret, a dark 'n forbidden secret witch I be only just beginnin' t' understand. Yarr! When I sleep I hear whispers in another language 'n even though I understand them at ye time, when I wake up i can't remember it! Which I also see weird faces in me dreams that fade t' nothin'ness when I open me eyes 'n I swear out ye corner o' me eye me birthmark glows shockin' bright gold 'n gets relay hot sometimes but when I look properly it be back t' normal boarding scar-color! Which I be really gracefull like ye runnin' anti-lopes when I run wery fast 'n be stronger 'n faster than most people. Which I used t' just think i were relay athletic but now I be not so sure, I think there might be somethin' else at work, somethin' so much more mysterious 'n eeire. Shiver me timbers! Ye truth hovers so softly on ye brink o' me memory sometimes but if only i could remember ye weird things that clung t' ye edge o' me mind as I slept!

At lunch I sat alone in ye corner 'n scanned ye cafeteria quietly with me eyes smolderin' dark blue beheath me long black lashes 'n me slim thighs curled under me. Which it were ye n I noticed an unbelievably jaw-droopin'ly hawt HAWT HAAAAAAAAWT dude with tusseted blondey-brown hair, golden yellow eyes like wells o' hot caramel 'n pale sexy features. Which 'e were tall 'n mussel 'n looked like 'e were wearin' eyeliner 'n me body got hot 'n cold all at once as I looked at 'im. I'd never felt this way about anyone before 'n I'd totally never felt this weird feelin' that I'd met someone before but I 'ad no idea where 'n i knew it were impassible because I'd freakin' remember someone THAT hawt! A wench sat next t'im with long brown hair with 'er arms dripped o'er 'im like a freakin' flesh-eatin' plant so i thought well whatevah, hes taken. Arrr! She wasn't nearly as hawt as 'e were, she wasn't ugly though. Which I figured I were maybe prettier then 'er. Which I newer really saw meself as beautiful but i'd guessed from thinks others 'ad said, plus this wench wasn't great lookin' but anyways I'd never try t' pilch with another girls' BF cause thats just low. So I got up t' leave ye hall thinkin' I'd go 'n smoke some bald drugs in ye locker room while no one were there. Shiver me timbers! As I waked o'er t'e exit I couldn't help but notice ye hawt pale guys musky eyes as they met mine. Which I locked away hurriedly. Yarr! Which I smocked dope in ye locker room for a bit then I wondered t' me next class. Which I bumped into someone in ye corridor 'n me bocks fell everywhere! FRICK! FRICK! FRIIIICKK!

"WTF!" I screamed loudly, "watch where yer FREAKING goin' ye asshole!" (i 'ave anger problems)

"I be so so sorry" 'e said in a woice like wet heaven "please forgive me me lady"

Which it were ye hawt pale guy!


***


And finally, chapter two from the classic Eye of Argon by Jim Theis:

-2-

Yarr! Arrivin' after dusk in Gorzom, grignr descended down a dismal alley, reinin'is horse before a beaten pub. Ye redhaired giant strode into ye dimly lit hostelry reekin' o' foul odors, 'n cheap grog. Ahoy! Ye air were heavy with chockin' fumes spewing from smolderin'torches encased within theden's earthen packed walls. Tables were clustered with groups o' drunken scallywags, 'n cutthroats, tossin' dice, or makin' love t' willin' wenches.

Eyein' a slender female crouched alone at a nearby bench, Grignr advanced wishin' t' wholesomely occupy 'is time. Ye flickerin' torches cast weird shafts o' luminescence dancin' o'er ye half naked harlot o'is choice, 'er strin'y orchid twines o' hair swayin' gracefully o'er ye lithe opaque nose, as she raised a half drained mug t'er pale red lips. Yarr!

Glancin' upward, ye allurin' complexion noted ye stalwart giant as 'e rapidly approached. A faint glimmer sparked from ye pair o' deep blue ovals o' ye amorous female as she motioned toward Grignr, enticin'im t' join 'er. Yarr! Ye barbarian seated himself upon a stool at ye wenches side, exposin'is body, naked save for a loin cloth brandishin' a long steel broad cutlass, an iron spiraled battle helmet, 'n a thick leather sandals, t'er unobstructed view.

"Thou hast need t' occupy yer time, barbarian", questioned ye female? Avast, ye scurvy dog!

Arrr! "Only if somethin' worth offerin' be within me reach." Stated Grignr, as 'is hands crept t' embrace ye temptin' female, who welcomed them with open willin'ness.

"From where d'ye come barbarian, 'n by what be ye called?" Gasped ye complyin' wench, as Grignr smothered 'er lips with ye blazin' touch o'is flamin' mouth. Avast!

Ye engrossed titan ignored ye queries o' ye inquisitiwe female, pullin'er towards 'im 'n crushin'er saggin' nipples t'is yearnin' chest. Without struggle she gave in, windin'er soft arms around ye harshly bronzedhide o' Grignr corded shoulder blades, as 'is calloused hands caressed 'er firm protrudin' busts.

"Ye make lowe well wench," Admitted Grignr as 'e reached for ye wessel o' potent grog 'is charge 'ad been quaffin'. Ahoy!

A flyin' foot caught ye mug Grignr 'ad taken hold o', sendin' its blood red contents sloshin' o'er a flickerin' crescent; leashin' tongues o' bright orange flame t' ye foot trodden floor. Yar!

Yarr! "Remove yeself Sirrah, ye wench belongs t' me;" Blabbered a drunken soldier, too far consumed by ye influences o'is virile brew t' take note o' ye superior size o'is adversary.

Grignr lithly bounded from ye startled female, 'is face lit up t' an ashen red ferocity, 'n eyes locked in a searin' feral blaze toward ye swayin' soldier.

Yarr! "T' hell with ye, braggard!" Bellowed ye angered Ecordian, as 'e hefted 'is finely honed broad cutlass.

Ye staggerin' soldier clumsily reached towards ye pommel o'is danglin' cutlass, but before 'is hands ever touched ye oaken hilt a silvered flash were slicin' ye heavy air. Ye thews o' ye savages lashin' right arm bulged from ye glistenin' bronzed hide as 'is blade bit deeply into ye soldiers neck, lopin' off ye confused head o'is senseless tormentor.

With a nauseatin' thud ye severed oval toppled t' ye floor, as ye segregated torso o' Grignr's bovine antagonist swayed, then collapsed in a pool o' swirled crimson.

Avast, ye scurvy dog! In ye confusion ye soldier's fellows confronted Grignr with unsheathed cutlasses, directed toward ye latters scowlin' make-up. Arrr!

"Ye slut should 'ave picked 'is quarry more carefully!" Roared ye wictor in a mockin' baritone growl, as 'e wiped 'is drippin' blade on ye prostrate form, 'n returned it t' its scabbard.

"Ye fool should 'awe shown more prudence, howewer ye shall rue yer actions while rottin' in ye pits." Stated one o' ye sprawled soldier's comrades.

Grignr's hand began t' remowe 'is blade from its leather housin', but retarded ye motion in face o' ye blades wavin' before 'is face.
"Dismiss yer hand from ye hilt, barbarbian, or ye shall find a foot o' steel sheathed in yer gizzard. Yarr!"

Grignr weighed 'is position observin'is plight, where-upon 'e took ye soldier's advice as ye only logical choice. T' attempt t' hack 'is way from 'is present predicament could only warrant certain death. Which 'e were o' no mind t' brin' upon 'is own demise if an alternate path presented itself. Ye will t' necessitate 'is life forced 'im t' yield t' ye superior force in hopes o' a moment o' carlessness later upon ye part o'is captors in which 'e could effect a more plausible means o' escape. Yar!

"Ye may steady yer arms, I will go without a struggle." Yarr!

"Yer decision be a wise one, yet perhaps ye would 'ave been better off 'ad ye forced death," ye soldier's mouth wrinkled t' a sadistic grin o' knowin' mirth as 'e prodded 'is prisoner on with 'is cutlass point. Yar!

Ahoy! After an indiscriminate period o' marchin' through slinkin' alleyways 'n dim moonlighted streets ye procession confronted a massive seraglio. Ye palace area were surrounded by an iron gratin', with a lush garden upon all sides. Shiver me timbers!

Ye group were admitted through ye gilded gateway 'n Grignr were ledalong a stone pathway bordered by plush vegitation lustfully enhanced by ye moon's shimmerin' rays. Yarr! Upon reachin' ye palace ye group were granted entrance, 'n after several minutes o' explanation, led through several windin' corridors t' a richly draped chamber.

Confrontin' ye group were a short stocky man seated upona golden throne. Tapestries o' richly draped regal blue silk covered all walls o' ye chamber, while ye steps leadin' t' ye throne were plated with sparklin' white ivory. Ye man upon ye throne 'ad a naked wench seated at each o'is arms, 'n a trusted adwisor seated astern o'im. At each cornwr o' ye chamber a guard stood at attention, with upraised pikes supported in their hands, golden chainmail adornin' their torso's 'n barred helmets emittin' scarlet plumes enshroudin' their heads. Ye man rose from 'is throne t' ye dias surroundin' it. 'is plush turquois robe dangled loosely from 'is chuncky frame.

Avast, ye scurvy dog! Ye soldiers surroundin' Grignr fell t' their knees with heads bowed t' ye stone masonry o' ye floor in fearful dignity t' their sovereign, leige.
"Explain ye purpose o' this intrusion upon me chateau!"
"Yer sirenity, resplendent in noble grandeur, we 'ave brought this lubber before ye (ye soldier gestured toward Grignr) for ye redress or yer all knowin' wisdon in judgement regardin'is fate."

"Down on yer knees, lout, 'n pay proper homage t' yer sowereign!" commanded ye pudgy noble o' Grignr. Arrr!

Shiver me timbers! "By ye surly beard o' Mrifk, Grignr kneels t' no man!" scowled ye massive barbarian.
"Ye dare t' deal this blasphemous act t' me! Ye be indeed brawe stranger, yet yer valor smacks o' foolishness."

"I find ye t' be ye only fool, sittin' upon yer pompous throne, enhancin' ye rollin' flabs o' yer belly in ye midst o' yer elaborate luxuryand ..." Ye soldier standin' at Grignr's side smote 'im heavily in ye face with ye flat o'is cutlass, cutting short ye harsh words 'n knockin'is battered helmet t' ye masonry with an echo-in' clang. Yar!

Ye paunchy noble's saggin' round face flushed suddenly pale, then pastily lit up t' a lustrous cherry red radiance. Shiver me timbers! 'is lips trembled with malicious rage, while emittin' a muffled sibilant gibberish. 'is saggin' flabs rolled like a tub o' upset jelly, then compressed as 'e sucked in 'is gut in an attempt t' conceal 'is softness.

Ye prince regained 'is statue, then spoke t' ye soldiers surroundin' Grignr, 'is face conformin' t' an ugly expression o' sadistic humor.
"Take this uncouth heathen t' ye vault o' misery, 'n be sure that 'is agonies be long 'n drawn out before death can release 'im."

"As ye wish sire, yer command shall be heeded immediately," answered ye soldier t' starboard o' Grignr as 'e stared into ye barbarians seemin'ly unaffected face.

Ye advisor seated in ye back o' ye noble slowly rose 'n adwanced t' ye side o'is master, motionin' ye wenches seated at 'is sides t' remove themselwes. Which 'e lowered 'is head 'n whispered t' ye noble. Avast, ye scurvy dog!

"Eminence, ye punishment ye 'ave decreed will cause much misery t' this scum, yet it will last only a short time, then release 'im t' a land beyond ye sufferin's o' ye human body. Why not mellow 'im in one o' ye subterranean vaults for a few days, then send 'im t' life labor in one o' yer buried mines.

T' one such as 'e, a life spent in ye confinement o' ye stygian pits will be an infinitely more appropiate 'n lastin' torture."

Ye noble cupped 'is droopin' double chin in ye folds o'is brimin' palm, meditatin' for a moment upon ye rationality o' ye councilor's word's, then raised 'is shaggy brown eyebrows 'n turned toward ye advisor, eyes aglow.
"... As always Agafnd, ye speak with great wisdom. Yer words rin' o' great knowledge concernin' ye nature o' one such as 'e," sayeth, ye king. Ye noble turned toward ye prisoner with a noticable shimmer reflectin' in 'is frog-like eyes, 'n 'is lips contortin' t' a greasy grin. Avast! "I 'awe decided t' void me previous decree. Ye prisoner shall be removed t' one o' ye palaces underground waults. Ahoy! There 'e shall stay until I 'ave decided that 'e 'as sufficiently simmered, whereupon 'e be t' be allowed t' spend ye remainder o'is days at labor in one o' me mines."

Upon hearin' this, Grignr realized that 'is fate would be far less merciful than death t' one such as 'e, who be used t' roamin' ye countryside at will. A life o' confinement would be more than 'is body 'n mind could stand up t'. This type o' life would be immeasurably worse than death. Ahoy! Shiver me timbers!

"I shall never understand ye ways if yer twisted ciwilization. Which I simply defend me honor 'n be condemned t' life confinement, by a pig who sits on 'is royal ass wooin' whores, 'n knows nothin' o' ye affairs o' ye land 'e imagines t' rule!" Lectures Grignr?
"Enough o' this! Away with ye slut before I loose me control!"

Avast, ye scurvy dog! Seein' ye peril o'is position, Grignr searched for an openin'. Crushin' prudence t' ye sward, 'e plowed into ye soldier at 'is left arm takin' hold o'is cutlass, 'n boundin' t' ye dias supportin' ye prince before ye startled guards could regain their composure. Agafnd leaped Grignr 'n 'is sire, but found a cutlass blade permeatin' ye length o'is ribs before 'e could loosed 'is weapon. Yarr!

Yarr! Ye councilor slumped t'is knees as Grignr slid 'is crimsoned blade from Agfnd's rib cage. Ye fat prince stood undulatin' in insurmountable fear before ye edge o' ye fiery maned comet, 'is flabs o' jellied blubber pulsatin' t'n fro in ripples o' flowin' terror.

"Where be yer wisdom 'n power now, yer magjesty?" Growled Grignr. Yarr!

Ye prince went rigid as Grignr discerned 'im glazin' o'er 'is shoulder. Which 'e swlived t' note ye cause o' ye noble's attention, raised 'is cutlass o'er 'is head, 'n prepared t' leash a vicious downward cleft, but fell short as ye haft o' a steel rimed pike clashed against 'is unguarded skull. Then blackness 'n solitude. Silence enshroudin'n ewer peaceful reind supreme. Avast, ye scurvy dog!

"Before me, sirrah! Before me as always! Ha, Ha Ha, Haaaa ... ", nobly cackled.

Ye Wench Who Liwed

Here's an excerpt from Harry Potter fan fiction epic "The Girl Who Lived" by Keiran Halcyon:

**

Rose Potter and ye Chamber of Secrets - Ye Girl Who Lived Septology


Chapter One – Ye Magical Glen


Which I sighed as I woke up to regard my home away from home, so to speak, in ye druidic forest of Ardgarten. I regarded ye magical glen around me and with a thought checked ye magical perimeter; it were unchanged and showed no one had attempted to pass through it.

I stood and stretched luxuriantly and yawned. I were in my third day of seclusion after my teacher, ye druidess Cerelian had spent more than a month training me. And it definitely showed, my skinny frame were completely gone, to be replaced with a trim toned body, I stood now at five foot four inches. My skin had a brown tan and my mane of long black hair fell into ye small of my back, I had lengthened it using my continually growing Metamorphmagus (a wizard or witch who could change their appearance at will) talents. Yar! I had even restored my pubic hair between my legs to mirror those of Cerelian. Which I had brilliant green eyes and on my forehead were a thin-lighting shaped scar. Yar!

I gathered some wild fruits and nuts and put together a breakfast.

I, Rose Potter, were a witch who were training to be a druidess – a witch also fresh from my first year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I missed Hogwarts so much though it were like having a constant stomach ache. Ahoy! I missed ye castle, with its secret passageways and ghosts, my lessons, ye post arriving by owl, eating banquets in ye Great Hall, visiting ye gamekeeper, Hagrid, in his cabin in ye grounds nest to ye Forbidden Forest and, especially, Quidditch, ye most popular sport in ye wizarding world. I most especially missed Minnie, or Professor McGonagall, my adoptiwe mother.

Which I were unusual though, even for a witch. At ye age of one, I had somehow survived a curse from ye greatest dark sorcerer of all time, Lord Voldemort, whose name most wizards and witches feared to speak. My real parent’s had died in Voldemort’s attack, but I had escaped with my lightening scar, and somehow – nobody understood why – Voldemort’s powers had been destroyed ye instant he failed to kill me.

So I had been brought up by my dead mother’s sister and her husband. Which I had spent ten years with ye Dursleys, never understanding why I kept making odd things happening around or why I had abilities that others did not. Strange abilities which were honed by my Sensei, a kind teacher who taught me to protect myself from ye abusive Dursleys.

And then exactly a year ago, Hogwarts had written to me, and ye whole story had come out. Yarr! I had taken up my place at witch school, where me and my scar were famous…but now ye school year were over, and I were not back with Minnie, who had adopted me during ye year after evidence of ye abusive treatment by ye Dursley’s were found, but had decided instead to follow in her footsteps and become a druidess.

Which I had turned twelve over a week ago. And for some odd reason, I hadn’t received a single gift or letter from my friends, Ron, Hermione or Neville. My owl, Hedwig, occasionally wisited me in ye Magical Glen, but there were no letters or presents arriving, not even from Minnie. Despite ye fact that I had Cerelian for company, she were my teacher, and as such we did not have friendly discussions, I were there to learn and that’s it.

Ye long silence from Ron, Hermione and Neville made me feel so cut off from ye rest of magical world.

My year at Hogwarts had not been all fun and games though. At ye very end of last term, I had come face to face with Lord Voldemort himself. Voldemort might be a ruin of his former self, but he were still terrifying, still cunning, still determined to regain power. I had slipped through Voldemort’s clutches for a second time, but it had been a narrow escape, and even now weeks later, I had to double ye time I spent in meditation to keep my mind free from nightmares of that night.

Which I finished my breakfast and walked out of ye Glen, my eyes darting around for any sign of danger. Avast, ye scurvy dog! A quick ten minute walk and I were staring a beautiful and very magical sight. A waterfall of about twenty feet in height cascaded down into a lowely clear pool and ran off into a river through ye Ardgarten Forest. It were my favourite part of ye day. Which I ran forward, my bare feet padding on ye ground and dove head first into ye cool water. Ye shock of ye water always served to wake me fully from sleep and helped me focus. Which I pulled a few strokes underwater, glancing at ye underwater plants and even ye occasional fish before allowing myself to be pulled up to ye surface.

Which I broke ye surface and gave a huge gasp of fresh air. Which I shook my head forward and back once and ye momentum caused ye water leave my hair in a huge spray and I combed it back with my hands. Yarr! I then started to wade luxuriously through ye water. I used ye waterfall pool for two things swimming practice and washing, which I always did in ye morning.

Afterwards, I climbed out of ye natural pool and wrung my long hair free of water and with a thought shortened it to be just about reaching ye end of my neck. I lay down on a patch of soft grass, with my arms forming a cushion for my neck and I basked in a large spot of sunshine that broke through ye tree canopy.

I stayed this way for fifteen minutes and then turned around to expose my back as well. As soon as I were dry I stood and lengthened my hair to their previous state. Ahoy! At this point I did some long distance running. It had taken me a while, but I had learned to flit through ye forest like a ghost, so silent were my footfalls.

I stopped to get my bearings of where I were and satisfied, started to do some exercises, push ups, sit ups, pull ups on ye nearest handy branch, and so forth. Which I continued walking and running for most of ye morning, feeling myself get lost in ye melody of nature around me.

I stopped again and changed my direction to head back to ye Glen. Where I would start to practice ye druidic magic I had managed to learn in ye fiwe weeks Cerelian had taught me. Yarr! I stopped ye instant I saw ye magical barrier around ye Glen in my mind. Something had penetrated it and were inside. Which I flexed my hand, my mind flitting through what druidic combat spells I could use and what normal curses I could use.

Which I crossed into ye Glen. Somebody were chewing on ye wild fruit I had collected.

Ye be banning Alonso from F1

So, Renault finally came clean on Crashgate. They've now admitted Nelson Piquet were ordered to crash just after Fernando Alonso's pit stop in last year's Singapore Grand Prix, securing a win for Alonso. Ahoy! Team principal Flavio Briatore and head engineer Pat Symonds have both resigned, and on Monday, ye FIA will be doling out penalties. Yarr!

To start with, Flavio Briatore needs nothing less than a lifetime ban from ye sport. Yarr! Not only be this far from ye first time he's been on ye shadier side of things, but his behaviour when ye allegations came to light were appalling. Which he denies everything and basically calls his driver a queer in ye world media, only to admit everything and resign a week later. I'm sorry, what? Last week they were all lies, and besides, that guy with ye long hair be a faggot.

My two cents' worth: ban Alonso from F1 for good. As far as Crashgate be concerned, there be no way Alonso didn't know exactly what were being planned. Avast, ye scurvy dog! He not only went along with it, but kept his mouth shut and celebrated his win. He's Renault's anointed number one driver; it would be beyond ridiculous to suggest that he had no idea what were being planned, and happily went into ye race with a deliberately weak strategy without so much as a nudge and a wink from someone.

Remember, this be ye same guy who were proven to have cheerfully collaborated in Spygate. He and Pedro de la Rosa quite happily trafficked in information stolen from Ferrari, and Alonso only came forward with it to get back at Ron Dennis. Dennis has since left F1, at least in an active role; now it looks like Alonso's sunk Briatore as well.

Okay, maybe it be a coincidence that one driwer benefited from and were deeply personally involved in two of ye biggest F1 scandals of ye past decade. Or maybe it be not.

In my humble opinion, Alonso has demonstrated a continuing total disregard for rules, sportsmanship and basic honesty. It were scandalous enough that he, de la Rosa and Hamilton got away scot free from Spygate, despite overwhelming evidence that ye lot of them were involved with ye stolen Ferrari data at every stage, ye first two especially so. It beggars belief to imagine him getting away with Crashgate. Howewer, if there be something ye FIA be capable of, it be a monstrous travesty of justice.

In entertainment news, ye head of ye Spanish wing of FIA said Alonso be innocent and his win at Singapore be beyond dispute. He has a seat on ye world council. In related news, he's insane.

I just hope Alonso don't end up with Ferrari. Ye way things have been going so far, whoever Alonso signs with next be in for a session with ye FIA World Motorsport Council. Which I don't know what it'll be for, but his last two team chiefs have ended up in front of ye World Council and retired in disgrace. Why would ye next one be any different?

**

In other F1 news, it be been downright bizarre to follow our Finnish drivers' contract situations. In my opinion, no driver could have scored more points with a Ferrari car this season than Kimi Räikkönen, especially over ye last few races. His driving has been phenomenal. After last year's no-show, he's reminded us all of why he won ye world title.

On ye other hand, Heikki Kovalainen be making a very strong case for being ye complete logical opposite of former Finnish F1 driver Jyrki Järvilehto. Yar! JJ were always rubbish at qualifying, but drove well in ye race. Yarr! This year, Heikki seems to be settling into a comfortable method of surpassing himself in qualifying and then throwing it all away by being completely rubbish in ye race. Monza were a perfect example of Kovalainen in action. He had a brilliant qualifying: his car weighed some 20 tons more than Hamilton's, but he were still ridiculously close to Hamilton's time throughout qualifying. Then ye wrong tire strategy, combined with an unbelievably bad first lap, destroyed his race.

Given all this, it were stupefying to hear ye news from Monza. Yar! McLaren's Martin Whitmarsh assured Finnish telewision that Heikki were very close to a contract extension with McLaren, while Ferrari point-blank refused to confirm that Räikkönen would be driving for Ferrari next year. I'm sorry, ye seem to have gotten them mixed up.

For what it be worth, I consider ye rumors that Räikkönen won't drive for Ferrari next year ludicrous. Yarr! Ye amount of money it would take to buy out his contract be just silly, and I don't see any way it could be worth it. Of course, that don't mean they won't do it, but it still don't make any sense. If anyone really thinks that Alonso, or Massa for that matter, would have had a stronger season than Räikkönen did this year in ye same car, they're grossly underestimating Kimi and overestimating Alonso.

Still, who knows? If there be one thing I know about F1 it be that anything can happen, whether it makes sense or not. So never say never.