Oct 22, 2012

Demonstrating against Finland's lunatic trans sterilization law

Like some other European countries, Finland has a law in place that requires transgender people to be sterilized as a prerequisite for changing their gender legally. I wrote about this at greater length in Finnish earlier, but suffice to say that there are no medical grounds for this requirement, or indeed any reasonable grounds whatsoever. Although the law seems like a relic of the mid-twentieth century, when Finland forcibly sterilized some ten thousand people, it was in fact passed by the Finnish parliament in 2002 and signed by our then-president Tarja Halonen, supposedly an advocate of LGBT rights.

Thankfully, not everyone is okay with this, and there have been some noises made to try to get this senseless, inhuman requirement removed from the law. The World Health Organization has stated that the right to reproduction is a fundamental human right, and the EU Commissioner for Human Rights has petitioned all member states to remove sterilization requirements from their laws on sex reassignment. Sure enough, after the last parliamentary elections, we were told that the law would be re-examined and the sterilization requirement removed.

Just last week, Henripekka Kallio wrote a story for Pohjolan Sanomat on the state of the project to revoke the sterilization requirement. The answer he got was stunning. (Finnish summary here) According to Päivi Sillanaukee, Permanent Secretary of the Ministry of Social Affairs and Health, they have no plans to set a committee to change the law. According to her, the ministry is short of resources, and may not be able to look into this question during this Parliament. So until then, trans people will be required to be sterilized, because the ministry has better things to do.

To be fair to Ms. Sillanaukee, that's almost certainly just an excuse. A card-carrying member of the conservative National Coalition Party, she went on to question not only whether the law would be changed, but whether sex reassignment surgery would continue to be legal in Finland at all. She gave the following bizarre statement:

Sillanaukee muistuttaa, että työryhmä on tarkoitus koota pohtimaan lakiuudistusta, eikä tekemään sitä. Pakkosteriloinnin poistaminen translaista olisi teknisesti yksinkertaista, mutta kansliapäällikön mielestä sillä olisi kauaskantoiset vaikutukset.

– Meillä on lähdetty siitä, että on kaksi sukupuolta. Nyt on kyse siitä, että lainsäädäntöön haluttaisiin niin sanottu kolmas sukupuoli.

Sillanaukeen mukaan sukupuolijaon hämärtyminen johtaisi siihen, että osa sukupuolen korjaamiseen liittyvistä prosesseista menettäisi merkityksensä.

- Eihän silloin voida kysellä ihmiseltä, että etkö haluakaan olla mies ja haluatko olla nainen. Eikä meillä silloin olisi esimerkiksi oikeutta ottaa kohtua pois, jos henkilö haluaa vaihtaa sukupuolta, Sillanaukee tulkitsee.

My translation below. As the statement is frankly confusing, I've sacrificed English idiom to try to translate it as directly as possible.

"Sillanaukee points out that the committee will be assembled to examine changing the law, not to change it. Removing mandatory sterilization from the trans law would be technically simple, but the permanent secretary feels it would have far-reaching implications.

- Our premise is that there are two genders. What we are dealing with here is that people want to introduce a third gender into legislation.

According to Sillanaukee, this blurring of the gender divide would lead to some sexual reassignment procedures losing their meaning.

- We couldn't then ask a person if they don't want to be a man any more and do they want to be a woman. We also wouldn't have the right, for example, to remove someone's uterus if they want to undergo sex reassignment, Sillanaukee interprets."

In my opinion, this is crazy talk. Sillanaukee's logic seems to be that if people who undergo sex reassignment surgery are not forcibly sterilized, then a "third gender" will come into being and the state will no longer have the "right" to perform surgery. So instead of removing the sterilization requirement, Sillanaukee is not only delaying the process but actually questioning the very availability of SRS.

This is madness, but it's the usual kind of madness. Sillanaukee's warped reasoning makes it clear that anything threatening the sacred male/female gender binary is seen by our political class of professional politicians and civil servants as something to be ridiculed and fought; to the extent that a senior civil servant will engage in sardonic, MRA-esque wordplay and try to twist a question of people's right to their own bodies into a question of whether the state has "a right" to perform surgery that they themselves want. And she's in charge of the Ministry of Health.

**

Thankfully, this made quite a few people very angry, so there was a demonstration. We went.


I'd estimate that around a hundred people turned up. Here are some of the signs people brought:


"Sillanaukee, hands off my uterus"


"Organ rights", because the Finnish for organ ("elin") is just one letter away from animal ("eläin").


"Gender is in your head", and "the civilized don't forcibly sterilize".


A picture of Finland's minister for health, former MTV Europe VJ Maria Guzenina-Richardson, and the text "not enough balls to defend human rights". Yeah, I know. He means well.


"Gender identity is not a disease". The man with the refreshments stopped by to debate some of the demonstrators.


"Gender doesn't live in the organ". Loving the attitude. And finally:


My thanks to everyone who agreed to be photographed with their signs, and to everyone who came. Pictures are by me, licensed under the same license as the text.

**

I swear, if they don't get rid of this idiot law and quick, I'm coming to the next demonstration with a giant Die cis scum sign. It's a complete and utter national disgrace that we still have such an inhuman law on the books in what is supposed to be a civilized country. What makes me optimistic is how sincerely shocked many people have been when they've heard of this law. What makes me pessimistic is pretty much everything else. Within an hour of getting home and going online after this, I had people attacking the demonstration for being "against family values" or just plain mocking it. Because obviously the people having their reproductive rights taken away from them aren't really people.

Still, I hope our little demonstration did at least something to make people aware of this horrible legislation and the brutal cynicism with which it's defended. I'm appalled that I live in a country where people are sterilized against their will, and just plain depressed that there's nothing I can sensibly do about it except stand around with some folks holding signs and post photos on the Internet.

Sep 19, 2012

Pirates o' Venus

by Edgar Rice Burroughs

Chapter 1 - Carson Napier Arrr!

Yarr! IF A female figure in a white shroud enters yer bedchamber at midnight on ye thirteenth day o' this month, answer this letter otherwise, do not."

Hawin' read this far in ye letter, I were about t' consign it t' ye wastebasket, where all me crank letters go; but for some reason I read on, "If she speaks t' ye, please remember 'er words 'n repeat 'em t' me when ye write." I might 'ave read on t' ye end; but at this juncture ye telephone bell rang, 'n I dropped ye letter into one o' ye baskets on me desk. Yarr! Which it chanced t' be ye "out" basket; 'n 'ad events followed their ordinary course, this would 'ave been ye last o' ye letter 'n ye incident in so far as I were concerned, for from ye "out" basket ye letter went t' ye files.

It were Jason Gridley on ye telephone. Which 'e seemed excited 'n asked me t' come t'is laboratory at once. As Jason be seldom excited about anythin', I hastened t' accede t'is request 'n satisfy me curiosity. Ahoy! Jumpin' into me roadster, I soon covered ye few blocks that separate us, t' learn that Jason 'ad good grounds for excitement Which 'e 'ad just receiwed a radio message from ye inner world, from Pellucidar. Yar!

On ye eve o' ye departure o' ye great dirigible, O-220, from ye earth's core, followin' ye successful termination o' that historic expedition, Jason 'ad determined t' remain 'n search for won Horst, ye only missin' member o' ye party; but Tarzan, David Innes, 'n Cap'n Zuppner 'ad persuaded 'im o' ye folly o' such an undertakin', inasmuch as David 'ad promised t' dispatch an expedition o'is own native Pellucidarian warriors t' locate ye young German lieutenant if 'e still lived 'n it were possible t' discover any clue t'is whereabouts.

Notwithstandin' this, 'n though 'e 'ad returned t' ye outer world with ye ship, Jason 'ad always been harassed by a sense o' responsibility for ye fate o' von Horst, a young man who 'ad been most popular with all ye members o' ye expedition; 'n 'ad insisted time 'n time again that 'e regretted havin' left Pellucidar until 'e 'ad exhausted every means within 'is power o' rescuin' von Horst or learned definitely that 'e were dead.

Yar! Jason waved me t' a chair 'n offered me a cigarette. "I've just 'ad a message from Abner Perry," 'e announced, "ye first for months."

"It must 'ave been interestin'," I commented, "t' excite ye."

Yarr! "It were," 'e admitted. "A rumor 'as reached Sari that won Horst 'as been found."

Ahoy! Now as this pertains t' a subject entirely foreign t' ye present wolume, I might mention that I 'ave alluded t' it only for ye purpose o' explainin' two facts which, while not vital, 'ave some slight bearin' on ye remarkable sequence o' events which followed. First, it caused me t' forget ye letter I just mentioned, 'n, second, it fixed ye date in me mind--the tenth.

Me principal reason for mentionin' ye first fact be t' stress ye thought that ye matter o' ye letter, so quickly 'n absolutely forgotten, 'ad no opportunity t' impress itself upon me mind 'n therefore could not, at least objectively, influence me consideration o' ensuin' events. Ye letter were gone from me mind within five minutes o' its readin' as completely as though it 'ad never been receiwed.

Ye next three days were exceedin'ly busy ones for me, 'n when I retired on ye night o' ye thirteenth me mind were so filled with ye annoyin' details o' a real estate transaction that were goin' wrong, that it were some time before I could sleep. Which I can truthfully affirm that me last thoughts were o' trust deeds, receivers in equity, 'n deficiency judgments.

What awoke me, I do not know. Which I sat up with a start just in time t' see a female figure, swathed in what appeared t' be a white windin' sheet, enter me room through ye door. Ye will note that I say door rather than doorway, for such were ye fact; ye door were closed. Which it were a clear, moonlit night; ye warious homely objects in me room were plainly discernible, especially ye ghostly figure now hoverin' near ye foot o' me bed.

Yar! I be not subject t' hallucinations, I 'ad never seen a ghost, I 'ad newer wished t', 'n I were totally ignorant o' ye ethics gowernin' such a situation. Even 'ad ye lady not been so obviously supernatural, I should yet 'ave been at a loss as t' how t' receive 'er at this hour in ye intimacy o' me bedchamber, for no strange lady 'ad ever before invaded its privacy, 'n I be o' Puritan stock.

"It be midnight o' ye thirteenth," she said, in a low, musical voice.

Avast! "So it be," I agreed, 'n then I recalled ye letter that I 'ad received on ye tenth.

Shiver me timbers! "Which 'e left Guadalupe today," she continued; "'e will wait in Guaymas for yer letter." Avast!

Arrr! That were all. She crossed ye room 'n passed out o' it, not through ye window which were quite convenient, but through ye solid wall. Which I sat there for a full minute, starin' at ye spot where I 'ad last seen 'er 'n endeaworin' t' convince meself that I were dreamin', but I were not dreamin'; I were wide awake. In fact I were so wide awake that it were fully an hour before I 'ad successfully wooed Morpheus, as ye Victorian writers so neatly expressed it, ignorin' ye fact that 'is sex must 'ave made it rather embarrassin' for gentlemen writers.

Yar! I reached me office a little earlier than usual ye followin' mornin', 'n it be needless t' say that ye first thing that I did were t' search for that letter which I 'ad received on ye tenth. Avast, ye scurvy dog! Which I could recall neither ye name o' ye writer nor ye point o' origin o' ye letter, but me secretary recalled ye latter, ye letter havin' been sufficiently out o' ye ordinary t' attract 'is attention.

Avast! "It were from somewhere in Mexico," 'e said, 'n as letters o' this nature be filed by states 'n countries, there were now no difficulty in locatin' it.

Ye may rest assured that this time I read ye letter carefully. Which it were dated ye third 'n post marked Guaymas. Guaymas be a seaport in Sonora, on ye Gulf o' California. Arrr!

'ere be ye letter:

Me dear Sir:

Bein' engaged in a wenture o' great scientific importance, I find it necessary t' solicit ye assistance (not financial) o' some one psychologically harmonious, who be at ye same time o' sufficient intelligence 'n culture t' appreciate ye vast possibilities o' me project.

Avast, ye scurvy dog! Why I 'ave addressed ye I shall be glad t' explain in ye happy event that a personal interview seems desirable. This can only be ascertained by a test which I shall now explain. Avast, ye scurvy dog!

If a female figure in a white shroud enters yer bedchamber at midnight on ye thirteenth day o' this month, answer this letter; otherwise, do not. If she speaks t' ye, please remember 'er words 'n repeat 'em t' me when ye write. Shiver me timbers!

Assurin' ye o' me appreciation o' yer earnest consideration o' this letter, which I realize be rather unusual, 'n beggin' that ye hold its contents in strictest confidence until future events shall 'ave warranted its publication, I be, Sir,

Wery respectfully yours,

CARSON NAPIER. Avast!

"It looks t' me like another nut," commented Rothmund. Arrr!

"So it did t' me on ye tenth," I agreed; "but today be ye fourteenth, 'n now it looks like another story." Yarr!

"What 'as ye fourteenth got t' do with it?" 'e demanded.

"Yesterday were ye thirteenth," I reminded 'im. Avast!

"Ye don't mean t' tell me--" 'e started, skeptically. Yarr!

"That be just what I do mean t' tell ye," I interrupted. "Ye lady came, I saw, she conquered. Shiver me timbers!"

Ralph looked worried. "Don't forget what yer nurse told ye after yer last operation," 'e reminded me.

"Which nurse? Which I 'ad nine, 'n no two o'em told me ye same things."

Avast, ye scurvy dog! "Jerry. She said that narcotics often affected a patient's mind for months afterward. Ahoy!" 'is tone were solicitous. Yar! Avast, ye scurvy dog!

Shiver me timbers! "Well, at least Jerry admitted that I 'ad a mind, which some o' ye others didn't. Anyway, it didn't affect me eyesight; I saw what I saw. Arrr! Please take a letter t' Mr. Napier." A few days later I received a telegram from Napier dated Guaymas. Yarr!

"LETTER RECEIVED STOP THANKS STOP SHALL CALL ON YOU TOMORROW," it read.

"Which 'e must be flyin'," I commented. Yar!

Avast! "Or comin' in a white shroud," suggested Ralph. "I think I'll phone Cap'n Hodson t' send a squad car around 'ere; sometimes these nuts be dangerous." Which 'e were still skeptical.

I must admit that we both awaited ye arrival o' Carson Napier with equal interest. Which I think Ralph expected t' see a wild-eyed maniac. Which I could not visualize ye man at all.

About eleven o'clock ye followin' mornin' Ralph came into me study. Yar! "Mr. Napier be 'ere," 'e said. Avast, ye scurvy dog!

"Does 'is hair grow straight out from 'is scalp, 'n do ye whites o'is eyes show all around ye irises?" I inquired, smilin'.

"No," replied Ralph, returnin' ye smile; "'e be a wery fine lookin' man, but," 'e added, "I still think 'e be a nut."

Yarr! "Ask 'im t' come in," 'n a moment later Ralph ushered in an exceptionally handsome man whom I judged t' be somewhere between twenty-five 'n thirty years old, though 'e might 'ave been ewen younger.

Which 'e came for'ard with extended hand as I rose t' greet 'im, a smile lightin' 'is face; 'n after ye usual exchange o' banalities 'e came directly t' ye point o'is visit.

Avast, ye scurvy dog! "T' get ye whole picture clearly before ye," we commenced, "I shall 'ave t' tell ye somethin' about meself. Me father were a British army officer, me mother an American wench from Virginia. Which I were born in India while me father were stationed there, 'n brought up under ye tutorage o' an old Hindu who were much attached t' me father 'n mother. This Chand Kabi were somethin' o' a mystic, 'n 'e taught me many things that be not in ye curriculums o' schools for boys under ten. Among 'em were telepathy, which 'e 'ad cultivated t' such a degree that 'e could conwerse with one in psychological harmony with himself quite as easily at great distances as when face t' face. Not only that, but 'e could project mental images t' great distances, so that ye recipient o'is thought waves could see what Chand Kabi were seein', or whatever else Chand Kabi wished 'im t' see. These things 'e taught me."

"'n it were thus ye caused me t' see me midnight visitor on ye thirteenth?" I inquired.

Which 'e nodded. "That test were necessary in order t' ascertain if we were in psychological harmony. Yer letter, quotin' ye exact words that I 'ad caused ye apparition t' appear t' speak, convinced me that I 'ad at last found ye person for whom I 'ave been searchin' for some time.

"But t' get on with me story. Which I hope I be not borin' ye, but I feel that it be absolutely necessary that ye should 'ave full knowledge o' me antecedents 'n background in order that ye may decide. whether I be worthy o' yer confidence 'n assistance or not." I assured 'im that I were far from bein' bored, 'n 'e proceeded. Yarr!

"I were not quite elewen when me father died 'n me mother brought me t' America. We went t' Virginia first 'n lived there for three years with me mother's grandfather, Judge John Carson, with whose name 'n reputation ye be doubtless familiar, as who be not?

"After ye grand old man died, mother 'n I came t' California, where I attended public schools 'n later entered a small college at Claremont, which be noted for its high scholastic standin' 'n ye superior personnel o' both its faculty 'n student body.

"Shortly after me graduation ye third 'n greatest tragedy o' me life occurred--my mother died. Which I were absolutely stunned by this blow. Life seemed t' hold no further interest for me. Which I did not care t' live, yet I'd not take me own life. As an alternative I embarked upon a life o' recklessness. Avast, ye scurvy dog! With a certain goal in mind, I learned t' fly. Which I changed me name 'n became a stunt man in pictures.

"I did not 'awe t' work. Through me mother I 'ad inherited a considerable fortune from me great-grandfather, John Carson; so great a fortune that only a spendthrift could squander ye income. Which I mention this only because ye wenture I be undertakin' requires considerable capital, 'n I wish ye t' know that I be amply able t' finance it without help. Yarr!

Yarr! "Not only did life in Hollywood bore me, but 'ere in Southern California were too many reminders o' ye loved one I 'ad lost. Which I determined t' travel, 'n I did. Which I flew all o'er ye world. In Germany I became interested in rocket cars 'n financed several. 'ere me idea were born. Arrr! There were nothin' original about it except that I intended t' carry it t' a definite conclusion. Which I would trawel by rocket t' another planet.

Shiver me timbers! "Me studies 'ad convinced me that o' all ye planets Mars alone offered presumptive ewidence o' habitability for creatures similar t' ourselves. Avast, ye scurvy dog! Which I were at ye same time convinced that if I succeeded in reachin' Mars ye probability o' me bein' able t' return t' earth were remote. Ahoy! Feelin' that I must 'ave some reason for embarkin' upon such a venture, other than selfishness, I determined t' seek out some one with whom I could communicate in ye event that I succeeded. Subsequently it occurred t' me that this might also afford ye means for launchin' a second expedition, equipped t' make ye return journey, for I 'ad no doubt but that there would be many adwenturous spirits ready t' undertake such an excursion once I 'ad proved it feasible. Arrr!

Arrr! "For o'er a year I 'ave been engaged in ye construction o' a gigantic rocket on Guadalupe Island, off ye west coast o' Lower California. Ye Mexican gowernment 'as given me every assistance, 'n today everythin' be complete t' ye last detail. Which I be ready t' start at any moment."

As 'e ceased speakin', 'e suddenly faded from view. Ye chair in which 'e 'ad been sittin' were empty. Avast, ye scurvy dog! There were no one in ye room but meself. Which I were stunned, almost terrified. Yarr! Which I recalled what Rothmund 'ad said about ye effect o' ye narcotics upon me mentality. Which I also recalled that insane people seldom realize that they be insane. Were I insane? Cold sweat broke out upon me forehead 'n ye backs o' me hands. Avast! Which I reached toward ye buzzer t' summon Ralph. There be no question but that Ralph be sane. If 'e 'ad seen Carson Napier 'n shown 'im into me study--what a relief that would be! Avast!

But before me fin'er touched ye button Ralph entered ye room. Shiver me timbers! There were a puzzled expression on 'is face. "Mr. Napier be back again," 'e said, 'n then 'e added, "I didn't know 'e 'ad left. Which I just heard 'im talkin' t' ye. Avast, ye scurvy dog!"

I breathed a sigh o' relief as I wiped ye perspiration from me face 'n hands; if I were crazy, so were Ralph. "Brin' 'im in," I said, "'n this time ye stay 'ere."

Arrr! When Napier entered there were a questionin' look in 'is eyes. Shiver me timbers! "D'ye fully grasp ye situation as far as I 'ave explained it?" 'e asked, as though 'e 'ad not been out o' ye room at all.

Yar! "Yes, but--" I started.

"Wait, please," 'e requested. "I know what ye be goin' t' say, but let me apologize first 'n explain. Yarr! Which I 'ave not been 'ere before. That were me final test. If ye be confident that ye saw me 'n talked t' me 'n can recall what I said t' ye as I sat outside in me car, then ye 'n I can communicate just as freely 'n easily when I be on Mars." Avast, ye scurvy dog!

"But," interjected Rothmund, "ye were 'ere. Yar! Didn't I shake hands with ye when ye came in, 'n talk t' ye?"

Arrr! "Ye thought ye did," replied Napier. Ahoy! Yarr!

"Who's loony now?" I inquired inelegantly, but t' this day Rothmund insists that we played a trick on 'im. Yarr!

Avast! "How d'ye know 'e be 'ere now, then?" 'e asked. Avast!

"I don't," I admitted.

"I be, this time," laughed Napier. Yarr! "Let's see; how far 'ad I gotten?" Yarr!

"Ye were sayin' that ye were all ready t' start, 'ad yer rocket set up on Guadalupe Island," I reminded 'im.

Yarr! "Right! Which I see ye got it all. Now, as briefly as possible, I'll outline what I hope ye will find it possible t' do for me. Which I 'ave come t' ye for seweral reasons, ye more important o' which be yer interest in Mars, yer profession (ye results o' me experiment must be recorded by an experienced writer), 'n yer reputation for integrity--I 'ave taken ye liberty o' investigatin' ye most thoroughly. Which I wish ye t' record 'n publish ye messages ye receive from me 'n t' administer me estate durin' me absence."

Arrr! "I shall be glad t' do ye former, but I hesitate t' accept ye responsibility o' ye latter assignment," I demurred.

"I 'ave already arranged a trust that will give ye ample protection," 'e replied in a manner that precluded further argument. Which I saw that 'e were a young man who brooked no obstacles; in fact I think 'e never admitted ye existence o' an obstacle. "As for yer remuneration," 'e continued, "ye may name yer own figure."

I waved a deprecatory hand. "It will be a pleasure," I assured 'im.

Shiver me timbers! "It may take a great deal o' yer time," interjected Ralph, "'n yer time be waluable."

"Precisely," agreed Napier. "Mr. Rothmund 'n I'll, with yer permission, arrange ye financial details later."

"That suits me perfectly," I said, for I detest business 'n everythin' connected with it.

Avast, ye scurvy dog! "Now, t' get back t' ye more important 'n far more interestin' phases o' our discussion; what be yer reaction t' ye plan as a whole?"

"Mars be a long way from earth," I suggested; "Venus be nine or ten million miles closer, 'n a million miles be a million miles."

"Yes, 'n I'd prefer goin' t' Venus," 'e replied. "Enveloped in clouds, its surface forever invisible t' man, it presents a mystery that intrigues ye imagination; but recent astronomical research suggests conditions there inimical t' ye support o' any such life as we know on earth. Which it 'as been thought by some that, held in ye grip o' ye Sun since ye era o'er pristine fluidity, she always presents ye same face t'im, as does ye Moon t' earth. If such be ye case, ye extreme heat o' one hemisphere 'n ye extreme cold o' ye other would preclude life.

"Ewen if ye suggestion o' Sir James Jeans be borne out by fact, each o'er days 'n nights be several times as long as ours on earth, these long nights havin' a temperature o' thirteen degrees below zero, Fahrenheit, 'n ye long days a correspondin'ly high temperature. Avast!"

Avast! "Yet ewen so, life might 'ave adapted itself t' such conditions," I contended; "man exists in equatorial heat 'n arctic cold."

"But not without oxygen," said Napier. Shiver me timbers! "St. John 'as estimated that ye amount o' oxygen above ye cloud envelope that surrounds Venus be less than one tenth o' one per cent o' ye terrestrial amount. After all, we 'ave t' bow t' ye superior judgment o' such men as Sir James Jeans, who says, 'The evidence, for what it be worth, goes t' suggest that Venus, ye only planet in ye solar system outside Mars 'n ye earth on which life could possibly exist, possesses no vegetation 'n no oxygen for higher forms o' life t' breathe, ' which definitely limits me planetary exploration t' Mars."

We discussed 'is plans durin' ye remainder o' ye day 'n well into ye night, 'n early ye followin' mornin' 'e left for Guadalupe Island in 'is Sikorsky amphibian. Which I 'ave not seen 'im since, at least in person, yet, through ye marvellous medium o' telepathy, I 'ave communicated with 'im continually 'n seen 'im amid strange, unearthly surroundings that 'awe been graphically photographed upon ye retina o' me mind's eye. Shiver me timbers! Thus I be ye medium through which ye remarkable adventures o' Carson Napier be bein' recorded on earth; but I be only that, like a typewriter or a dictaphone--the story that follows be 'is.

Jun 8, 2012

HKIRBBTL: Buccaneers-Brutes 3-1

Blood River Buccaneers 3 – 1 Braga’s Brutes

FAME 0, 1
BRB: 2 Bloodweiser babes
Winnings: BRB 50 000, BRU 20 000
Fan factor +1, -1
Weather: nice
Gate: 7 000

1st half, Brutes receiving

Kick-off: Brilliant coaching -> extra re-roll for Brutes

BBT1  #5 Sorgask KO’s #6 Galfir
#9 Grab da Bol picks up the ball and passess a quick pass to #10 Slib’ry Ands
BRBT1 #2 Tyrim fails to dodge and causes a turnover
BB2  #5 Sorgask blitzes #10 Athlan Icecold and KO’s him
BBT3 #7 Grambad fails to dodge, despite his dodge skill, causing a turnover
BRBT3 #7 Mordak Blackheart pushes # Sorgask to the crowd, but the home team fans leave him unharmed
BRBT3 #5 Hehtar fails to dodge and the turn ends
BBT4 #7 Grambad causes a turnover with another unsuccessful dodge
BRBT5 #7 Mordak Blackheart blitzes #10 Slib’ry Ands and knocks the ball loose, but it bounces to the only orc standing nearby, #7 Grambad, who manages to catch it despite being surrounded by two Buccaneers.
#2 Tyrim blocks 7# Grambad and sacks the ball again, and again it bounces to the only orc around, #9 Grab da Bol, who also catches it, despite two Buccaneer’s tackle zones.
BBT6 #9 Grab da Bol blitzes a hole in the Buccaneer’s defense, dodges himself free and scores

0-1

Kick-off: riot -> clock moved back one turn

BRBT5 #13 Solana Spikeheel blitzes #1 Braga to the crowd, but nobody dares to touch him
#4 Mornil gets the ball and passess a quick pass to 2# Tyrim, who then hands it off to #7 Mordak Blackheart, who goes for it but stumbles, causing a turnover and wasting a re-roll
BBT6 #10 Slib’ry Ands fails to pick the ball up and the turn ends quickly
BRBT6 #13 Solana Spikeheel jumps up, dodges, picks up the ball, dodges free, goes for it and scores

1-1

Kick-off: Brilliant  coaching -> extra re-roll for Buccaneers

BBT7 #6 Urghug KO’s #6 Galfir
#7 Grambad, undaunted by previous bad luck, tries to dodge but stumbles again and the turn ends
BRBT7 #7 Mordak Blackheart blitzes through the orc’s line of defense, dodges two times, goes for it two times and tries to pick up the ball but fails, wasting a re-roll
BBT9 #9 Brab da Bol Gets a hold of the ball
BRBT8 #11 Clarius Vile dodges 4 times to assist #7 Mordak Blackheart, who dodges, sacks the ball, picks it up and scores

2-1

2nd half, Buccaneers receiving

BRBT1 #7 Mordak Blackheart KO’s #4 Azgrum
#10 Athlan Icecold picks up the ball and passes a quick pass to #11 Clarius Vile
BRBT3 #3 Malsadrian fails to dodge and the turn ends
BBT3 #9 Grab da Bol tries a difficult dodge to get to the Buccaneer’s ball carrier, but falls over in what looked like a fatal accident. The Brute’s shaman manages to stitch him up however and he’s good to go again in the next run
BRBT5 the orcs closing in, #11 Clarius Vile decides to cross the TD line and scores

3-1

Kick-off: Blitz

BRBblitz #7 Mordak Blackheart tries to get to the ball by going for it two times, but stumbles and hurts himself badly
BBT5 #10 Slib’ry Ands gets a hold of the ball
BBT6 #7 Grambad fails a dodge roll for the eighth time in the game and the turn ends
BBT7 #10 Hands the ball off to #5 Sorgask, who has to use a re-roll to catch it. He then tries to run to the end zone but stumbles while going for it and the turn ends
BRBT8 #13 Solana Spikeheel pushes #10 Slib’ry Ands to the crowd, but again the docile fans fail to hurt him
#11 Clarius Vile picks up the ball

the game ends, Buccaneers win 3-1

**

League table: [pts, goal differential, casualty differential, fatalities, completions, interceptions, sacks]

Brutes (5-1-0) 15 pts, 14-3, 7-2, 1, 3, 0, 7-2
Titans (3-3-0) 9 pts, 5-8, 9-3, 0, 17, 1, 6-6
Buccaneers (3-3-0) 9 pts, 8-6, 5-10, 1, 10, 0, 10-5
Ravens (2-3-0) 6 pts, 4-7, 6-8, 0, 3, 0, 4-3
Mütants (1-1-1) 4 pts, 2-3, 3-3, 0, 0, 0, 2-6
Murderers (0-3-1) 1 pts, 2-8, 1-8, 0, 8, 0, 3-3

**

Individual statistics:


Touchdowns:

Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 3
Grab da Bol (Brutes): 3
Grambad (Brutes): 3
Leifur Eriksson (Ravens): 3
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 3
Solana Spikeheel (Buccaneers): 3
Faramir Neithan (Titans): 2
Galhag (Brutes): 2
Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 2
Sorgask (Brutes): 2
Clarius Vile (Buccaneers): 1
Dexgor (Mütants): 1
Galfir (Buccaneers): 1
Galoth (Brutes): 1
Gorgor (Mütants): 1
Savure Uvalor (Murderers): 1
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 1
Tomas Haugen (Ravens): 1
Tyrim (Buccaneers): 1

Interceptions:

Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 1

Casualties:

Teclis Turukáno (Titans): 5
Athlan Icecold (Buccaneers): 2
Freki (Ravens): 2
Harald Hårdare (Ravens): 2
Nasty Narsil (Buccaneers): 2
Boss the Unbeaten (Mütants): 1
Braga da 'Ed Bash'a (Brutes): 1
Carecalmo (Titans): 1
Cyrus the Unbeliever (Mütants): 1
Dark Elf journeyman* (Buccaneers): 1
Dranas Dradas (Murderers): 1
Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 1
Galhag (Brutes): 1
Galoth (Brutes): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1
Geri (Ravens): 1
Gladroon* (Titans journeyman): 1
Jan Axel Blomberg (Ravens): 1
Morgur (Brutes): 1
Orodreth Ecthelion (Titans): 1
Piergor (Mütants): 1
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 1
Sorgask (Brutes): 1
Urghuk (Brutes): 1

Fatalities:

Athlan Icecold (Buccaneers): 1
Galhag (Brutes): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1

Completions:

Beleg Strongarm (Titans): 6
Carecalmo (Titans): 4
Giron Manas (Murderers): 3
Grab da Bol (Brutes): 2
Athlan Icecold (Buccaneers): 2
Avil Darksoul (Buccaneers): 2
Clarius Vile (Buccaneers): 2
Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 2
Teclis Turukáno (Titans): 2
Balyn Omavel (Murderers): 1
Hans von Helvete (Ravens): 1
Ilmiril Telinturco (Titans): 1
Meryaren (Titans): 1
Mornil (Buccaneers): 1
Mossanon (Titans): 1
Nilos Talds (Murderers): 1
Orodreth Ecthelion (Titans): 1
Per Yngve Ohlin (Ravens): 1
Savure Uvalor (Murderers): 1
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 1
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 1
Solana Spikeheel (Buccaneers): 1
Thor Åkenskaldi (Ravens): 1
Tussurradad (Murderers): 1
Ulundil (Titans): 1

Sacks:

Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 4
Tyrim (Buccaneers): 3
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 2
Sorgask (Brutes): 2
Teclis Turukáno (Titans): 2
Azgrum (Brutes): 1
Beleg Strongarm (Titans): 1
Carecalmo (Titans): 1
Clarius Vile (Buccaneers): 1
Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1
Hans von Helvete (Ravens): 1
Kinzgor (Mütants): 1
Nasty Narsil (Buccaneers): 1
Orodreth Ecthelion (Titans): 1
Per Yngve Ohlin (Ravens): 1
Reidar Horghagen (Ravens): 1
Shaungor (Mütants): 1
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 1
Solana Spikeheel (Buccaneers): 1
Stian Tomt Thoresen* (Ravens): 1
Tussurradad (Murderers): 1

Apr 30, 2012

Emotional Investment in Games aka Why We Were so Disappointed in Mass Effect 2, part three or so

Illustrations are gratuitous Asari pinups, as that is a search term that has been used to find this blag. We like giving the Internet what it asks for.

Naked Asari

The text is a pretty incoherent response to playing Mass Effect 2 which I composed when it first came out but never put down anywhere.

I'm a girl. I'm a girl gamer. I enjoy shooting things in the head with my space rifle. I enjoy saving the world with a kick-ass hero. I enjoy having an option for that hero to be a woman who gets to do all things that the male hero does. In short, I really like Commander Shepard.


I also like having love stories and personal relationships in games. Maybe that's girly, I don't care. I want the kick-ass, and I want the fluff. I want true role playing. I want my choices to count.

I really (mostly) liked how they did relationships in Mass Effect 1. You weren't forced into a relationship, you could choose whether to flirt (or respond to flirting). You only had three options, sure, and limited queer or alien options, but you get an almost-lesbian relationship with an alien, and that's a big first.


My choice, still, was Kaidan, a human man. I love Kaidan. Yes, I know, but I do. I liked him as a love interest. I found it sad that he was limited to being the possible love interest for the female Shepard only, but I could deal with that. (That's what fan fiction is for, after all;)

The relationship story arc was fulfilling, you had the choice of flirting with him or not, you weren't pushed into a relationship, and you got to have a sex scene! That was something new.


Uncensored version

And then we get Mass Effect 2. The gang's all there, in the beginning you get to continue from where you left off, in the game as in the relationship and... yeah, here come the spoilers, but as the third game is out already, I figure you can deal with them.

Then you die, and wake up in what appears to be an alternate universe, but everyone else seems to be in denial about this. My co-bloggers have addressed this issue already, so I'll concentrate on why the game was so unfulfilling emotionally, in the context of the first game. (Not saying anything about the cardboard cutouts that you are offered as love interests in this game, nor about the fan service of Garrus and Tali.) (After all, nothing you said to either one during the first game affects how they behave in the second one at all. Garrus is a crazy vigilante in any case, and Tali is as crazy and genocidal as ever.)

Mostly Naked Asari

You had (if you had) this deep connection with another person in the previous game, and as much as all of the relationship options spelled out that this might have been just a one-off, I would expect to get *some* reaction from the love interest in the next game.

Kaidan sends you an e-mail. When you meet him, he's the only one who finds it wrong that you're working with your old enemy, the Cerberus, and I was yelling, 'Thank you! I thought I was alone in this! Let me come back to the Alliance with you!' Do I get to do that? No. I get to invite him to join the terrorist organisation with me. "It'll be just like old times." What? I wonder he didn't deck me.

And then he sends you an e-mail saying 'maybe'. Maybe you could continue your relationship at some future date. I survived for weeks on that e-mail.

I never went through a relationship with Ash because I found her attitude problem and xenophobia quite unappealing. But I gather she has a similar reaction. (Why? She would fit right in with these human supremacists.)

Another Naked Asari

What does Liara do? She's had a personality transplant, has given up her career as an archaeologist, and is organising assassinations. ...wait, what? She says, "Hi Shepard, heard you were alive after all, wanna help me choose which of my associates to murder?" The emotional connection, I can feel it.

Mass Effect has never been big on having your companions react to what's going on, but when my Shepard, having just seen her lover in for what for her was a few months, and for him two years and having been rejected by him, goes to talk to Garrus, who was around in the "old times"... what I wanted was a bloody hug, what I got was "Too busy to talk right now, come back later and I'll make a pass at you." Well, technically.

Full frontal nudity Asari

One thing they got right. If you choose to *not* romance any of the very straight love interest options you have, your last night before facing the Big End Fight is spent staring at Kaidan's (or who ever was your first game love interest) photo. Thank you. I felt that. I *felt* that. You managed to give me two moments of real emotional contact with the game. An e-mail and a photo.

Okay, Tali becoming officially part of your crew was touching but was ruined a bit (or a lot) by the fact that you could only achieve that by lying for her, losing important allies for nothing, and going along with her attitudes towards the geth. Doing it was out of character for my Shepard but for once I chose the game mechanic over the role playing (which, admittedly, is usually mostly in my head because the games don't support it) - I wanted her loyalty.

Another Naked Asari

After finishing Mass Effect 2 I told people that the only thing that would make me want to buy Mass Effect 3 was if it gave me an option of getting back with Kaidan, and/or allowing the queer options.

...

Wait, they did what?

Oh damn.

Well, at least I'm buying it used.

Apr 16, 2012

HKIRBBTL: Buccaneers-Ravens 1-0

Well, I knew there'd come a day
When my mind would say: Hey, are you afraid
All I know is that I've been down here trying
Well, I'll bleed on through the night
I suppose I'll be dead by the morning light
Don't be surprised if you mind, when you find me
The river runs red and I think I'm dying
- Seer Kieth Cap Uto, 1st Era of Darkness

River runs red
Black rain falls
Dust in my hand
River runs red
Black rain falls
On my bleeding land
- Generalissimus Peter Garrett, later

The scorching sun was hanging low on the crimson banks of the notorious Blood River. The Buccaneers were assembled, their helmets gleaming in the sun, ready for the purple sails coming from the east. Today the Blood River Buccaneers would stand tall against the  rampaging Norse hordes of Ragnarock. Some 11 thousand fans were forthcoming. After the success of Skogen Mörke most of them were Ravens fans.

The Ravens won the first coin toss and elected to receive as is their style. The fans were on fire as the teams took the field.


Soon the ball was caged in a bloody melee moving nowhere from the center field.


Ravens blitzer Harald Hårdare was nurturing a niggling injury and his absence was soon felt as the well-named Buccaneers blitzer Athlan Icecold ended the game for blitzer Hans von Helvete. The Ravens were now without their two game makers and had to rely on the fangs of their vargr, Geri and Freki.

The latter was hungry indeed and locked his jaw on lineman Malsadrian sending him off the field in short order. Still this was not enough to break the Buccaneers defense and the battle raged on. Mordak Blackheart pushed Jan Axel Blomberg into the crowd for a pint or two. This didn't haze Blomberg though and he returned back on the field later – with treacherous consequences.


Finally, with just a few minutes remaining, blitzer Nasty Narsil was able to sack Thor Åkenskaldi and pick up the ball.


Lineman Reidar Horghagen did his best and sacked Narsil, but unfortunately the ball flew right off his hands to Buccaneers lineman Mornil. For this last minute try Horghagen was awarded the Ravens' MVP.


Mornil had just enough time to hand the ball to witch elf Solana Spikeheel, who then had the easy job of sprinting over the goal line just as the first half was coming to an end.

The second half started with the Buccaneers receiving. The crowd was still fired up under the glaring sun.


The Buccaneers quickly snatched the control with runner Clarius Vile holding on to the ball in the backfield while the witch elf lured werewolf Freki to wild goose chase on the opposite end.


Finally runner Leifur Eriksson was able to lay his hands on Vile, but seeing a sack Vile quickly flipped the ball to lineman Tyrim, who unfortunately was unable to hold on to it. The Ravens were unable to bank on this, when Jan Axel Blomberg – still shrugging of the earlier concussion – failed to scoop the ball from the field.

Concentrating on the ball Blomberg failed to see Athlan Icecold blitzing him. This high hit was a hit too far for the Draugr Cove native. He was carried cold off the field and into a longboat for the last journey home.


Smelling his friend's blood Geri launched on Mordak Blackheart hurting him badly. The Ravens team was thinning out at an alarming pace and despite their wolves best efforts, they were unable to put the hurt on the Buccaneers.

The ball started to slip into the Ravens' territory as the field was splintered to a messy melee.


The Buccaneers pushed slowly forth but, with time running out, were unable to score as the remaining Ravens scampered to stop them while coach Sjöfarare was cursing and throwing bloodweiser bottles on the sideline.


When time ran out the score was still 1-0 for the Buccaneers. Many a player lay in the dugout after a grueling grind of a game:


The Buccaneers won the game and moved ahead of the Ravens.


**


Boxscore

Fans: BRB 5000, RAR 6000
FAME: RAR +1
Starting weather: very sunny

Ravens win coin toss, elect to receive.

First half, Ravens receiving (Cheering fans, tie)

BRB T2: BRB #10 blitzes RAR #63, badly hurt
RAR T3: RAR #55 blocks BRB #3, badly hurt
BRB T3: BRB #13 blitzes RAR #75 attacker down, TURNOVER
BRB T4: BRB #7 blitzes RAR #91 to crowd, stunned
BRB T7: BRB #8 sacks RAR #5 and picks up ball
RAR T8: RAR #80 sacks BRB #8, ball scatter to BRB #4 picked up
BRB T8: BRB #4 handoff to BRB #13 who scores TOUCHDOWN

End of first half

Second half, Buccaneers receiving (cheering fans, tie)

BRB T1: BRB #7 picks up ball throws to BRB #11
BRB T2: BRB #8 blocks RAR #97 fractured leg
RAR T3: RAR #12 sacks BRB #11, dump off to BRB #2, fails to catch ball scatter
RAR T4: RAR #91 fails to pick up ball, scatters to BRB #10, TURNOVER
BRB T5: BRB #10 blitzes RAR #91, dead
RAR T5: RAR #55 blocks BRB #7, badly hurt, RAR #12 picks up ball
BRB T6: BRB #13 sacks RAR #12, picks up ball and hands to BRB #11
RAR T6: RAR #96 sacks BRB #11 who fails dump off and goes KO, RAR #55 GFI fumble, TURNOVER
BRB T7: BRB #5 blocks RAR #5, KO, BRB #13 picks ball and throws to BRB #8
RAR T7: RAR #80 blocks BRB 6, attacker down KO, TURNOVER
BRB T8: BRB #4 blocks RAR #88, attacker down stunned, TURNOVER
RAR T8: RAR #96 throws to RAR #12, RAR #90 fails dodge, TURNOVER

End of game.

Revenue: BRB 50,000, RAR 40,000

Fan factor: BRB +1, RAR -0

MVP: BRB #11, RAR #80

Advancement rolls: BRB #11 10 (MA/AV/new skill), RAR #80 8 (new skill)

**

Lineups:

Blood River Buccaneers

#2 Tyrim (lineman)
#3 Malsadrian (lineman) [badly hurt]
#4 Mornil (lineman)
#5 Hehtar (lineman)
#7 Mordak Blackheart (blitzer) [badly hurt, completion]
#8 Nasty Narsil (blitzer) [casualty, sack]
#9 Avil Darksoul (blitzer)
#10 Athlan Icecold (blitzer) [2 casualties, fatality]
#11 Clarius Vile (runner)
#13 Solana Spikeheel (witch elf) [completion, sack, touchdown]
#14 Khali (lineman)

Ragnarock Ravens

#5 Thor Åkenskaldi (thrower)
#12 Leifur Eriksson (runner)
#51 Geri (Norse werewolf)
#55 Freki (Norse werewolf) [2 casualties]
#63 Hans von Helvete (blitzer) [badly hurt]
#75 Kjetil Haraldsson Manheim (lineman)
#80 Reidar Horghagen (lineman) [sack]
#88 Tomas Haugen (lineman)
#90 Stian Arnesen (lineman)
#91 Jan Axel Blomberg (lineman) [dead]
#96 Per Yngve Ohlin (lineman) [completion, sack]
#97 Sven Atle Kopperud (lineman) [fractured leg]

**

League table: [pts, goal differential, casualty differential, fatalities, completions, interceptions, sacks]

Brutes (5-0-0) 15 pts, 13-0, 7-2, 1, 2, 0, 4-2
Titans (3-3-0) 9 pts, 5-8, 9-3, 0, 17, 1, 6-6
Buccaneers (2-3-0) 6 pts, 5-5, 5-9, 1, 8, 0, 7-5
Ravens (2-3-0) 6 pts, 4-7, 6-8, 0, 3, 0, 4-3
Mütants (1-1-1) 4 pts, 2-3, 3-3, 0, 0, 0, 2-6
Murderers (0-3-1) 1 pts, 2-8, 1-8, 0, 8, 0, 3-3

**

Individual statistics:


Touchdowns:

Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 3
Grambad (Brutes): 3
Leifur Eriksson (Ravens): 3
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 3
Faramir Neithan (Titans): 2
Galhag (Brutes): 2
Grab da Bol (Brutes): 2
Solana Spikeheel (Buccaneers): 2
Sorgask (Brutes): 2
Dexgor (Mütants): 1
Galfir (Buccaneers): 1
Galoth (Brutes): 1
Gorgor (Mütants): 1
Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 1
Savure Uvalor (Murderers): 1
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 1
Tomas Haugen (Ravens): 1
Tyrim (Buccaneers): 1

Interceptions:

Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 1

Casualties:

Teclis Turukáno (Titans): 5
Athlan Icecold (Buccaneers): 2
Freki (Ravens): 2
Harald Hårdare (Ravens): 2
Nasty Narsil (Buccaneers): 2
Boss the Unbeaten (Mütants): 1
Braga da 'Ed Bash'a (Brutes): 1
Carecalmo (Titans): 1
Cyrus the Unbeliever (Mütants): 1
Dark Elf journeyman* (Buccaneers): 1
Dranas Dradas (Murderers): 1
Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 1
Galhag (Brutes): 1
Galoth (Brutes): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1
Geri (Ravens): 1
Gladroon* (Titans journeyman): 1
Jan Axel Blomberg (Ravens): 1
Morgur (Brutes): 1
Orodreth Ecthelion (Titans): 1
Piergor (Mütants): 1
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 1
Sorgask (Brutes): 1
Urghuk (Brutes): 1

Fatalities:

Athlan Icecold (Buccaneers): 1
Galhag (Brutes): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1

Completions:

Beleg Strongarm (Titans): 6
Carecalmo (Titans): 4
Giron Manas (Murderers): 3
Avil Darksoul (Buccaneers): 2
Clarius Vile (Buccaneers): 2
Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 2
Teclis Turukáno (Titans): 2
Athlan Icecold (Buccaneers): 1
Balyn Omavel (Murderers): 1
Grab da Bol (Brutes): 1
Hans von Helvete (Ravens): 1
Ilmiril Telinturco (Titans): 1
Meryaren (Titans): 1
Mossanon (Titans): 1
Nilos Talds (Murderers): 1
Orodreth Ecthelion (Titans): 1
Per Yngve Ohlin (Ravens): 1
Savure Uvalor (Murderers): 1
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 1
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 1
Solana Spikeheel (Buccaneers): 1
Thor Åkenskaldi (Ravens): 1
Tussurradad (Murderers): 1
Ulundil (Titans): 1

Sacks:

Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 2
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 2
Sorgask (Brutes): 2
Teclis Turukáno (Titans): 2
Tyrim (Buccaneers): 2
Azgrum (Brutes): 1
Beleg Strongarm (Titans): 1
Carecalmo (Titans): 1
Clarius Vile (Buccaneers): 1
Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1
Hans von Helvete (Ravens): 1
Kinzgor (Mütants): 1
Nasty Narsil (Buccaneers): 1
Orodreth Ecthelion (Titans): 1
Per Yngve Ohlin (Ravens): 1
Reidar Horghagen (Ravens): 1
Shaungor (Mütants): 1
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 1
Solana Spikeheel (Buccaneers): 1
Stian Tomt Thoresen* (Ravens): 1
Tussurradad (Murderers): 1

Apr 13, 2012

HKIRBBTL: Titans-Brutes 0-3

There's more action in the Helsinki-Kotka Interregional Turboleague as the Tor Achare Titans continue their epic road trip! Their next opponent? The undefeated Braga's Brutes. The Titans played their first game in the Turboleague against the Brutes, losing 0-2.

After the Brutes won the opening coin toss and elected to receive, the teams faced off on the gridiron.



Titans kicker Carecalmo sent the ball flying way too high, allowing Brutes catcher Grab da Bol to position himself perfectly to catch the ball. The Brutes caged the ball and were off, smashing into the Titans' line and knocking out catcher Faramir Neithan.



Brutes thrower Slib'ry Ands pushed Titans lineman Orodreth Ecthelion into the stands, and as the orc cage rolled down the pitch, the greenskins were able to smash a lane through to the Titans' end zone.



Shrugging off the attempts of the Titans' defence to stop them, thrower Grab da Bol handed the ball off to blitzer Urghuk...



...who handed it on to lineman Galhag for the touchdown.



With little time left in the first half, the Titans executed some passing completions before taking the field again for the second half and their reception.



In the fracas, Slib'ry Ands smashed Titans lineman Meryaren out of the game with a concussion, and though the Titans managed to play their receivers into the Brutes' backfield...



...it was to no avail, as Slib'ry Ands sacked Faramir Neithan, grabbed the ball and scored a touchdown for the Brutes.



At the next kickoff, the outnumbered Titans were overrun by the Brutes.



With only desperate options left, catcher Mossanon tried to dodge out of the pocket and pass the ball up the field, but he failed.



The Brutes recovered the ball, and the game ended with blitzer Grambad scoring the Brutes' third touchdown.



**

Boxscore

Fans: TIT 9,000, BRU 9,000
FAME: TIT +0, BRU +0
Starting weather: very sunny

Brutes win coin toss, elect to receive.

First half, Brutes receiving (high kick)

BRU #9 catches kick.

BRU T1: BRU #2 blitzes TIT #7, KO
TIT T2: TIT #13 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
BRU T3: BRU #10 blocks TIT #15 into crowd, stunned
TIT T4: TIT #2 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
BRU T5: BRU #9 hands off to BRU #6
TIT T5: TIT #2 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
BRU T7: BRU #6 hands off to BRU #11; BRU #11 scores TOUCHDOWN

Titans receiving (quick snap)

TIT T7: TIT #3 picks up the ball, passes to TIT #5, completion
TIT T8: TIT #5 hands off to TIT #2; TIT #2 passes to TIT #5, completion

Second half, Titans receiving (cheering fans, tie)

TIT T1: TIT #5 picks up the ball, passes to TIT #7, completion
TIT T2: TIT #1 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
BRU T2: BRU #10 blocks TIT #14, serious concussion; BRU #9 blocks TIT #16, both down, TURNOVER
TIT T3: TIT #2 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
BRU T3: BRU #10 sacks TIT #7; BRU #7 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
TIT T4: TIT #5 picks up the ball; TIT #16 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
BRU T4: BRU #5 blitzes TIT #5, sack; BRU #10 picks up the ball
BRU T5: BRU #10 scores TOUCHDOWN

Titans receiving (quick snap)

TIT #5 fails to catch the ball.

TIT T6: TIT #9 picks up the ball and passes to TIT #5, completion
TIT T7: TIT #2 fails GFI, TURNOVER
TIT T8: TIT #5 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
BRU T8: BRU #9 picks up the ball, passes to BRU #5, completion; BRU #5 hands off to BRU #7; BRU #7 scores TOUCHDOWN

End of game.

Revenue: TIT 50,000, BRU 60,000

Fan factor: BRU +1, TIT -0

MVP: BRU #6, TIT #7

Advancement rolls: TIT #3 7 (new skill); BRU #10 9 (new skill), BRU #11 7 (new skill)

**

Lineups:

Tor Achare Titans

#1 Finrod Angamaitë (blitzer)
#2 Teclis Turukáno (blitzer) [completion]
#3 Beleg Strongarm (thrower) [completion]
#5 Mossanon (catcher) [completion]
#7 Faramir Neithan (catcher) [MVP]
#9 Carecalmo (lineman) [completion]
#10 Ilmiril Telinturco (lineman)
#12 Morelion Tethlis (lineman)
#13 Caryarel Mothril (lineman)
#14 Meryaren (lineman) [serious concussion]
#15 Orodreth Ecthelion (lineman)
#16 Ulundil (lineman)

Braga's Brutes

#01 Braga da 'Ed Bash'a (black orc)
#02 Morgur (black orc)
#03 Roflog (black orc)
#04 Azgrum (black orc)
#05 Sorgask (blitzer) [sack]
#06 Urghuk (blitzer) [MVP]
#07 Grambad (blitzer) [touchdown]
#08 Galoth (blitzer)
#09 Grab da Bol (thrower) [completion]
#10 Slib'ry Ands (thrower) [touchdown, casualty, sack]
#11 Galhag (lineman) [touchdown]

**

League table: [pts, goal differential, casualty differential, fatalities, completions, interceptions, sacks]

Brutes (5-0-0) 15 pts, 13-0, 7-2, 1, 2, 0, 4-2
Titans (3-3-0) 9 pts, 5-8, 9-3, 0, 17, 1, 6-6
Ravens (2-2-0) 6 pts, 4-6, 4-5, 0, 2, 0, 2-1
Mütants (1-1-1) 4 pts, 2-3, 3-3, 0, 0, 0, 2-6
Buccaneers (1-3-0) 3 pts, 4-5, 2-7, 0, 6, 0, 5-3
Murderers (0-3-1) 1 pts, 2-8, 1-8, 0, 8, 0, 3-3

**

Individual statistics:


Touchdowns:

Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 3
Grambad (Brutes): 3
Leifur Eriksson (Ravens): 3
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 3
Faramir Neithan (Titans): 2
Galhag (Brutes): 2
Grab da Bol (Brutes): 2
Sorgask (Brutes): 2
Dexgor (Mütants): 1
Galfir (Buccaneers): 1
Galoth (Brutes): 1
Gorgor (Mütants): 1
Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 1
Savure Uvalor (Murderers): 1
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 1
Solana Spikeheel (Buccaneers): 1
Tomas Haugen (Ravens): 1
Tyrim (Buccaneers): 1

Interceptions:

Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 1

Casualties:

Teclis Turukáno (Titans): 5
Harald Hårdare (Ravens): 2
Boss the Unbeaten (Mütants): 1
Braga da 'Ed Bash'a (Brutes): 1
Carecalmo (Titans): 1
Cyrus the Unbeliever (Mütants): 1
Dark Elf journeyman* (Buccaneers): 1
Dranas Dradas (Murderers): 1
Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 1
Galhag (Brutes): 1
Galoth (Brutes): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1
Geri (Ravens): 1
Gladroon* (Titans journeyman): 1
Jan Axel Blomberg (Ravens): 1
Morgur (Brutes): 1
Nasty Narsil (Buccaneers): 1
Orodreth Ecthelion (Titans): 1
Piergor (Mütants): 1
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 1
Sorgask (Brutes): 1
Urghuk (Brutes): 1

Fatalities:

Galhag (Brutes): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1

Completions:

Beleg Strongarm (Titans): 6
Carecalmo (Titans): 4
Giron Manas (Murderers): 3
Avil Darksoul (Buccaneers): 2
Clarius Vile (Buccaneers): 2
Teclis Turukáno (Titans): 2
Athlan Icecold (Buccaneers): 1
Balyn Omavel (Murderers): 1
Grab da Bol (Brutes): 1
Hans von Helvete (Ravens): 1
Ilmiril Telinturco (Titans): 1
Meryaren (Titans): 1
Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 1
Mossanon (Titans): 1
Nilos Talds (Murderers): 1
Orodreth Ecthelion (Titans): 1
Savure Uvalor (Murderers): 1
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 1
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 1
Thor Åkenskaldi (Ravens): 1
Tussurradad (Murderers): 1
Ulundil (Titans): 1

Sacks:

Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 2
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 2
Sorgask (Brutes): 2
Teclis Turukáno (Titans): 2
Tyrim (Buccaneers): 2
Azgrum (Brutes): 1
Beleg Strongarm (Titans): 1
Carecalmo (Titans): 1
Clarius Vile (Buccaneers): 1
Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1
Hans von Helvete (Ravens): 1
Kinzgor (Mütants): 1
Orodreth Ecthelion (Titans): 1
Shaungor (Mütants): 1
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 1
Stian Tomt Thoresen* (Ravens): 1
Tussurradad (Murderers): 1

Apr 9, 2012

HKIRBBTL: Titans-Buccaneers 2-1

The story of the Helsinki-Kotka Interregional Turboleague continues as the Tor Achare Titans travel to meet the Blood River Buccaneers! The two teams last met in the Antares Autobowl, where the Titans secured a 2-1 victory in an eventful game.

It's always tricky arranging a Blood Bowl game between sworn enemies like the Dark Elves and High Elves, and as thousands of fans gathered for this game, tensions ran high and finally boiled over when fans of both teams stormed the pitch on the opening kickoff! A few players were knocked down, but the onset of a ferocious rainstorm helped clear the pitch, and play started with the Titans kicking.

The receiving Buccaneers smashed into the Titans, with witch elf Solana Spikeheel leading the way by knocking out Titans catcher Faramir Neithan. Buccaneers runner Clarius Vile struggled to pick up the ball in the driving rain, but blitzer Mordak Blackheart knocked Titans lineman Ulundil out cold. A scrum developed by the Titans' left sideline, as the Buccaneers pushed Titans lineman Orodreth Ecthelion perilously close to the roaring crowd. Buccaneers lineman Khali charged the high elf, trying to push him into the crowd, but Orodreth surprised the dark elf with a devastating hit that sent Khali off the field with a concussion. Mere seconds later Mordak Blackheart blitzed Orodreth into the crowd, and fellow blitzer Athlan Icecold knocked out Titans thrower Beleg Strongarm.

Behind the carnage, Clarius Vile secured the ball, and with the Titans outnumbered 7-10, a Buccaneers touchdown seemed imminent. The Titans weren't quite done yet, though! Blitzer Finrod Angamaitë dodged away from the Buccaneers marking him and blitzed Clarius Vile. The runner quickly dumped off the ball, and Finrod Angamaitë intercepted the dump-off! Sadly for the Titans, he may have overreached himself, as Clarius Vile was able to knock him down. Solana Spikeheel recovered the ball. Even though Titans blitzer Teclis Turukáno added to his league lead in casualties by sending off Buccaneers blitzer Nasty Narsil, there was nothing he or anyone else could do to stop Solana Spikeheel from scoring to put the Buccaneers up 1-0.

There was only time for a short, desultory Titans drive before the first half ended. Orodreth Ecthelion had managed to make his way back to the Titans bench from the stands, but the pouring rain frustrated his attempt to record a completion. The Titans' apothecaries did a great job at halftime, succesfully reviving the knocked-out players for a second half where the Titans would now outnumber the Buccaneers.

Play started with Orodreth catching the kickoff and passing the ball to Beleg Strongarm. The Titans were still struggling to keep their players in the game as Buccaneers lineman Malsadrian knocked out Titans kicker Carecalmo, but catcher Faramir Neithan broke through the outnumbered Buccaneers and caught a pass from Beleg in the end zone for the Titans' first touchdown of the game.

Kicker Carecalmo was revived in time for the kickoff, and continued his excellent performance by planting the ball squarely in the far left corner of the field. The rain had stopped and with the gridiron quickly drying, the Buccaneers grabbed the ball and stormed toward the Titans' end zone. The visiting team continued their steady parade to the KO box as Buccaneers blitzer Avil Darksoul knocked out Titans lineman Caryarel Mothril, and Titans blitzer Finrod Angamaitë retaliated by knocking out Buccaneers lineman Tyrim.

As Buccaneers runner Clarius Vile dashed for the end zone he was sacked by Titans kicker Carecalmo, sending the ball bouncing wildly. After Mordak Blackheart failed to catch it, the ball bounced over the sideline and was thrown back into play by the crowd! Spotting his chance, Titans blitzer Teclis Turukáno dodged away from his marker, grabbed the ball and threw it to catcher Faramir Neithan, who ran down the pitch for his second touchdown of the game!

As the Buccaneers regrouped for their reception, a riot broke out in the stands! By the time order was restored, the game clock had run down, and more time was put on the clock - too much in the Titans' opinion, but the referees weren't swayed. This gave the Buccaneers an excellent opportunity to attempt the equalizer. Clarius Vile retrieved the ball and handed it off to lineman Hehtar, whose pass to Mordak Blackheart was off target. Titans thrower Beleg Strongarm grabbed the ball and tried a long pass to Faramir Neithan, but his pass also missed. Clarius Vile made one last attempt to recover the ball, but he fumbled it and the game came to an end as a 2-1 victory for the Titans.

**

Boxscore

Fans: TIT 8,000, BRB 6,000
FAME: TIT +1
Starting weather: pouring rain

BRB inducements: Bloodweiser babe (50,000 gp)

Titans win coin toss, elect to kick.

First half, Buccaneers receiving (pitch invasion)

BRB T1: BRB #7 blocks TIT #12, double skull, TURNOVER
TIT T1: TIT #12 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
BRB T2: BRB #13 blitzes TIT #7, KO; BRB #11 fails to pick up the ball, TURNOVER
BRB T3: BRB #7 blocks TIT #16, KO; BRB #14 blocks TIT #15, skull, serious concussion, TURNOVER
BRB T4: BRB #7 blitzes TIT #15 into the crowd, stunned; BRB #11 picks up the ball
BRB T5: BRB #10 blitzes TIT #3, KO
TIT T5: TIT #1 dodges twice, blitzes BRB #11 who dumps off the ball. TIT #1 intercepts the dump-off, rolls a skull for the block, TURNOVER
BRB T6: BRB #13 picks up the ball
TIT T7: TIT #2 blitzes BRB #8, badly hurt
BRB T8: BRB #13 scores TOUCHDOWN

Titans receiving (brilliant coaching, TIT +1 reroll)

TIT T8: TIT #15 picks up the ball, passes to TIT #9, catch fails, TURNOVER

End of first half.

Second half, Titans receiving (quick snap)

TIT #15 catches kick-off.

TIT T1: TIT #15 passes to TIT #3, completion
BRB T1: BRB #2 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
BRB T2: BRB #3 blocks TIT #9, KO
BRB T3: BRB #5 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
TIT T4: TIT #3 passes to TIT #7, TOUCHDOWN

Buccaneers receiving (changing weather -> nice)

BRB T4: BRB #9 blocks TIT #13, KO; BRB #11 picks up the ball
BRB T6: BRB #9 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
TIT T7: TIT #1 blocks BRB #2, KO; TIT #9 sacks BRB #11 (stunned); ball bounces to BRB #7, catch failed, ball bounces out of bounds; TIT #2 picks up the ball, passes to TIT #7 who scores TOUCHDOWN

Bucaneers receiving (riot, turn marker moved back)

BRB T6: BRB #11 picks up the ball
BRB T7: BRB #11 hands off to BRB #5, who passes to BRB #7, inaccurate pass, TURNOVER
TIT T8: TIT #3 picks up the ball, attempts long bomb to TIT #2, inaccurate pass, TURNOVER
BRB T8: BRB #11 dodges, fails to pick up the ball, TURNOVER

End of game.

Revenue: TIT 70,000, BRB 50,000

Fan factor: TIT +1, BRB -0

MVP: BRB #13, TIT #10

Advancement rolls: TIT #7 10 (MA/AV/new skill), BRB #13 2 (new skill)

**

Lineups:

Tor Achare Titans

#1 Finrod Angamaitë (blitzer) [interception]
#2 Teclis Turukáno (blitzer) [casualty, completion]
#3 Beleg Strongarm (thrower) [completion]
#7 Faramir Neithan (catcher) [touchdown * 2]
#9 Carecalmo (lineman) [sack]
#10 Ilmiril Telinturco (lineman) [MVP]
#12 Morelion Tethlis (lineman)
#13 Caryarel Mothril (lineman)
#14 Meryaren (lineman)
#15 Orodreth Ecthelion (lineman) [casualty, completion]
#16 Ulundil (lineman)

Blood River Buccaneers

#2 Tyrim (lineman)
#3 Malsadrian (lineman)
#4 Mornil (lineman)
#5 Hehtar (lineman)
#7 Mordak Blackheart (blitzer)
#8 Nasty Narsil (blitzer) [badly hurt]
#9 Avil Darksoul (blitzer)
#10 Athlan Icecold (blitzer)
#11 Clarius Vile (runner) [sack]
#13 Solana Spikeheel (witch elf) [touchdown, MVP]
#14 Khali (lineman) [serious concussion]

**

League table: [pts, goal differential, casualty differential, fatalities, completions, interceptions, sacks]

Brutes (4-0-0) 12 pts, 10-0, 6-2, 1, 1, 0, 2-2
Titans (3-2-0) 9 pts, 5-5, 9-2, 0, 13, 1, 6-4
Ravens (2-2-0) 6 pts, 4-6, 4-5, 0, 2, 0, 2-1
Mütants (1-1-1) 4 pts, 2-3, 3-3, 0, 0, 0, 2-6
Buccaneers (1-3-0) 3 pts, 4-5, 2-7, 0, 6, 0, 5-3
Murderers (0-3-1) 1 pts, 2-8, 1-8, 0, 8, 0, 3-3

**

Individual statistics:


Touchdowns:

Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 3
Leifur Eriksson (Ravens): 3
Faramir Neithan (Titans): 2
Grab da Bol (Brutes): 2
Grambad (Brutes): 2
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 2
Sorgask (Brutes): 2
Dexgor (Mütants): 1
Galfir (Buccaneers): 1
Galhag (Brutes): 1
Galoth (Brutes): 1
Gorgor (Mütants): 1
Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 1
Savure Uvalor (Murderers): 1
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 1
Solana Spikeheel (Buccaneers): 1
Tomas Haugen (Ravens): 1
Tyrim (Buccaneers): 1

Interceptions:

Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 1

Casualties:

Teclis Turukáno (Titans): 5
Harald Hårdare (Ravens): 2
Boss the Unbeaten (Mütants): 1
Braga da 'Ed Bash'a (Brutes): 1
Carecalmo (Titans): 1
Cyrus the Unbeliever (Mütants): 1
Dark Elf journeyman* (Buccaneers): 1
Dranas Dradas (Murderers): 1
Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 1
Galhag (Brutes): 1
Galoth (Brutes): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1
Geri (Ravens): 1
Gladroon* (Titans journeyman): 1
Jan Axel Blomberg (Ravens): 1
Morgur (Brutes): 1
Nasty Narsil (Buccaneers): 1
Orodreth Ecthelion (Titans): 1
Piergor (Mütants): 1
Sorgask (Brutes): 1
Urghuk (Brutes): 1

Fatalities:

Galhag (Brutes): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1

Completions:

Beleg Strongarm (Titans): 5
Carecalmo (Titans): 3
Giron Manas (Murderers): 3
Avil Darksoul (Buccaneers): 2
Clarius Vile (Buccaneers): 2
Athlan Icecold (Buccaneers): 1
Balyn Omavel (Murderers): 1
Hans von Helvete (Ravens): 1
Ilmiril Telinturco (Titans): 1
Meryaren (Titans): 1
Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 1
Nilos Talds (Murderers): 1
Orodreth Ecthelion (Titans): 1
Savure Uvalor (Murderers): 1
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 1
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 1
Teclis Turukáno (Titans): 1
Thor Åkenskaldi (Ravens): 1
Tussurradad (Murderers): 1
Ulundil (Titans): 1

Sacks:

Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 2
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 2
Teclis Turukáno (Titans): 2
Tyrim (Buccaneers): 2
Azgrum (Brutes): 1
Beleg Strongarm (Titans): 1
Carecalmo (Titans): 1
Clarius Vile (Buccaneers): 1
Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1
Hans von Helvete (Ravens): 1
Kinzgor (Mütants): 1
Orodreth Ecthelion (Titans): 1
Shaungor (Mütants): 1
Sorgask (Brutes): 1
Stian Tomt Thoresen* (Ravens): 1
Tussurradad (Murderers): 1

Apr 2, 2012

Ancient Aliens is a ridiculous pack of lies

I've been meaning to write a longer post about the farcical "History" Channel show called Ancient Aliens. For now, though, I'll just post this brief note. I recently watched one of its most-viewed episodes, "Unexplained Structures", and having seen it, I want to make one thing perfectly clear:

Do not believe a single thing the people on that show say. They're lying.

While it's possible that some of them mean well and are just misguided, the overwhelming majority of them are deliberately misrepresenting the truth in order to sell you stuff. The genuine scientists on the show probably aren't lying, but frankly, I question the judgement of anyone who appears on that show and isn't a kook trying to sell you a magic healing stone.



Let's just take a few examples from that particular episode. Firstly, Göbekli Tepe, the prehistoric megalithic site in Turkey. It's a pretty impressive, even revolutionary archeological find, but that doesn't stop Alien Hair Guy and his buddies lying about it. For crying out loud, the Wikipedia page I just linked tells us that even though the show says the opposite, both flint stone-working tools and the quarry the rocks were cut from have been found at the site. So there's no mystery whatsoever to how it was constructed. By people. With tools. No extraterrestrials necessary for assembly.

Much of the rest of the episode is set firmly in woo-land, with the usual wild narrative hopscotch ("if so...") and straight-up nonsense like the vimana dude walking among the Carnac stones and talking about their mystical auras. The bit set in the Americas does contain one of my favorite Ancient Aliens lines ever, when one of the "experts" explains that some of the Inca stonework has been exposed to large amounts of "thermal heat". The best kind, really.

By the way, they seem to mean vitrified stone. In both this and a previous episode, Ancient Aliens seems to treat vitrification as something that happens when an alien shoots a ray gun at a stone block. In reality, it just means the stones were exposed to fire. It may have been done deliberately, although it actually weakens the stone. Now, stone age people might not know that, but surely the aliens would. In my mind, their suggestion that the Inca built using alien rock-melting technology is completely ridiculous. If you have what basically amounts to concrete and want to build a wall, certainly you'd build a mould of the wall and pour in the concrete, as opposed to molding thousands of different-sized stone blocks and fashioning a wall out of them. But never mind that, here's an Inca shaman with a censer, and he says woo.

But it's the already mentioned Carnac stones that bring us to the most fantastically stupid claim in the whole episode: Alien Hair Guy tells us they're one of only three objects on Earth that are visible from space. He lists the Carnac stones, the Nazca lines (a perennial Ancient Aliens favorite) and, of course, the Great Wall of China.

Now, once again, there's a Wikipedia page: Man-made structures visible from space. It will tell you, if you don't know already, that from any altitude where the Great Wall is visible, so are a whole bunch of other things. The same goes for the Nazca lines, and as for Carnac, well, look at them:



The individual stones are really quite small, and if they're that evanescent in an aerial photo, do you really think they're uniquely visible from space? The claim is totally absurd. Then again, that information and the picture are from Wikipedia, and if you're liable to believe Alien Hair Guy, you probably think Wikipedia is a reptilian disinformation operation. Like this blog. Boo!

In fact, I couldn't find any source for the notion that the Carnac stones are visible from space... except Alien Hair Guy. Mostly the claim appears in the exact same "one of only three objects" form he made it in. So he literally made that up. And that's really what this show is about: making stuff up. Specifically, inventing totally implausible claims with no regard for observable reality or even Wikipedia-level research. Since just about everything I've ever fact-checked from that show has turned out to be just lies, I frankly recommend no-one believe a thing that's said on it without double-checking it. Even better, don't watch the damn thing at all. Nothing they've ever presented has any merit, and the joke gets kinda old pretty quick. Real history is much more interesting, exciting and even, at times, mysterious than puerile "lol aliens" TV.



Ancient Aliens does take your mind to another dimension. Unfortunately, it's made up, and it sucks.

Mar 19, 2012

HKIRBBTL: Skogen Mörke Dimmubowl 2012: Murderers-Ravens 1-2

Victory was on the line at final sunday (or as the Norse call it söndag) match between the Mephala's Murderers and Ragnarock Ravens. The Murderers had squeezed a tie with the 3rd Street Mutants on the day before and the Ravens were 1-1 after a victory against the Mutants and a nail-biter loss against Tor Achere Titans. As Skogen Mörke Dimmubowl was brainstormed into existence by the Ravens coaching staff (aka. Asatru Ahnold Azanulbizar Sjöfarare) after an abysmal defeat to Braga's Brutes, the hometown Ravens were given plenty of opportunities to win, while the tournament frontrunner Titans played just one game.

Now however either team could grab a hold of the Aili Mattila Memorial Trophy in the shimmering afternoon light of the Northern Norse Special (tm) Dimmubowl in snow-flooded Skogen Mörke. Having reclaimed their fans affections the Ravens were pleasantly surprised to see a total of 5000 hungover fans on ledgers while only 3000 Murderers maniacs had made the trip through ice clogged fjords of Nordmansland.

The game got underway with the Ravens receiving (on their own accord per new game strategy) under a clear sky and in brisk, barely freezing weather.



The Murderers were ready for the norse assault however and blitzed Ravens lineman Per Yngve Ohlin into the arms of slumbering fans. Luckily for Ohlin the crowd was too jubilant and merely got him stunned drunk on Northern Norse Mead.



Raven retaliation  was swift as blitzer Hans von Helvete showed the culprit witch elf Shishi Yanumibaal into the crowd for a mead pause too.



For a good while the Ravens were back to their old clumsy ways and the game broiled in a midfield melee the ball all but forgotten.



Finally lineman Tomas Haugen surprised himself and his coach by scooping up the ball and scooting off to the relative safety of the Ravens cage (also known as den låda).





With two more Murderers players getting KO'd by the frenzied Ravens werewolves and blitzers the teams defensive line was getting thin. This gave lineman Haugen a chance to slip through and make a run for it.



He was quickly surrounded by the remaining Murderer linemen but managed to stand on his feet clutching the ball in his frost bitten hands.



In the final moments of the first half the Ravens now had their opening. The rest of the team gouged a path for the blitzers, who then launched a surgical tag-team strike to release their teammate. Haugen promptly ran of putting everything on the line to score a touchdown.



Haugen was unavailable after the game as boisterous fans had manhandled him onto a longboat loaded with mead.


The Murderers were far from beaten though. They started the second half by snapping swiftly and storming the Ravens already underwhelmed left flank. Blitzer Harald Hårdare went out of the game with a roar, and is reported to have suffered a smashed knee. At the same time lineman Reidar Horghagen was showed of to same stand and knocked out cold.



This opened the field for the Murderers throwing offense. As a last ditch effort werewolf Geri tried to blitz the elves thrower but stumbled on his own tail.



The Murderers then had an easy time to tie the game 1-1.


The Ravens fans were fully woken and roared like the flames of Muspelheim thus lifting the home teams spirits for a tournament defining kick-off.



The game roiled again in the line of scrimmage as thrower Thor Åkenskaldi handed the ball to runner Leifur Eriksson, who promptly scampered off toward the end zone.



Eriksson didn't make it far before the elite Murderers were all in his business and the runner was taking toll of the blades of grass after a fierce sack by witch elf Yanumibaal.



The wolves were loose however and smelling victory (raw elk flesh) Geri and Freki jumped to their teammates rescue. The ball was forgotten amid fur, teeth, and claw until the helpful home team fans threw it back on the field right by Eriksson.



He continued the offense with teammates for protection. And even the superbly playing witch elf was unable to stop him from scoring.





Again the Ravens took the lead.



A wild gust of wind  surprised the elves. Asatru Sjöfarare surprised them as well, having changed players on his weak, left side. The Murderers ran into a determined Raven defense while the game clock was running out.



The Ravens therefore were able to clinch the game 2-1 and keep the Aili Mattila Memorial from going abroad. Drunken revelries commenced and Skogen Mörke was not, as a thousand bonfires lit up the night!

The Murderers lineman Vatollia Apo was elected MVP for having had the sense to stay out of the way.  Ravens MVP was lineman Reidar Horghagen for traditional norse reasons: crowd surfing and returning on field unscathed thereafter.

Ragnarock Ravens win Skogen Mörke Dimmubowl.


**


Boxscore


Fans: RAR 5000, MUR 3,000
FAME: RAR +1, MUR +0
Starting weather: nice

Ravens win coin toss, elects to recieve

First half:  RAR receiving (blitz)

MUR T0: MUR #7 blitzes RAR #96 into the crowd (stunned)
RAR T1: RAR #5 picks up the ball
RAR #63 pushes MUR #7 into the crowd (stunned)
RAR T2:  RAR #5 hands off to RAR #12, who fails catch, TURNOVER
RAR T4: RAR #12 fails to pick up the ball, TURNOVER
RAR #88 catches the bouncing ball
MUR T5: MUR #17 blocks RAR #63, attacker down, TURNOVER
RAR T7:  RAR #68 blitzes MUR #5, KO
RAR #55 blocks MUR #14, KO
RAR T8:  RAR #88 dodges and goes for it to score a TOUCHDOWN

1-0 Ravens

Murderers recieving (throw a rock, MUR #1 stunned)

MUR T8: MUR #11 picks up the ball, fumbles pass, TURNOVER

Second half:  MUR recieving (quick snap)

MUR #17 catches the kick-off

MUR T1: MUR #7 blitzes RAR #80 into the crowd, KO
MUR #1 blocks RAR #68, smashed knee (niggling injury)
MUR #17 hands off to MUR #5
RAR T1:  RAR #51 goes for it to blitz, fails roll, TURNOVER
MUR T2:  MUR #5 throws short pass to MUR #7, completion
MUR #7 dodges and GFI to score a TOUCHDOWN

Score 1-1

Ravens recieving (cheering fans, RAR +1 reroll)

RAR T2:  RAR #5 picks up the ball
RAR T3:  RAR #88 blocks MUR #9, KO
MUR T4:  MUR #7 sacks RAR #12
RAR T4: RAR #51 blitzes MUR #7, ball bounces into crowd, throw-in
RAR #12 picks up the ball
MUR T5:  MUR #16 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
RAR T5:  RAR #91 blocks MUR #15, badly hurt
MUR T6:  MUR #7 blitzes RAR #12, attacker down, TURNOVER
RAR T6:  RAR #12 scores TOUCHDOWN

2-1 Ravens

Murderers recieving (cheering fans, RAR +1 reroll)

MUR T7:  MUR #2 blitzes RAR #96, attacker down, TURNOVER
MUR T8:  MUR #11 fails to pick up the ball, bounces into crowd, TURNOVER
RAR T8:  RAR #5 picks up the ball, passes to #63, completion

End of game.

Revenue: RAR 80,000 gp, MUR 10,000 gp

FAn factor: RAR +1, MUR -0

MVP: RAR #80, MUR #11

Improvement rolls: RAR #88 8 (new skill), MUR #11 9 (new skill)


**

Lineups:

Mephala's Murderers

#01 Dranas Dradas, blitzer [casualty]
#02 Nina, blitzer
#05 Giron Manas, runner
#07 Shishi Yanumibaal, witch elf [sack, touchdown]
#09 Balyn Omavel, assassin
#11 Vatollia Apo, lineman [MVP]
#14 Abassel Asserbassalit, lineman
#15 Nilos Talds, lineman [badly hurt]
#16 Savure Uvalor, lineman
#17 journeyman, lineman
#18 journeyman, lineman (proxied by #13 in the game)


Ragnarock Ravens

#5 Thor Åkenskaldi (thrower) [completion]
#12 Leifur Eriksson (runner) [touchdown]
#51 Geri (werewolf)
#55 Freki (werewolf)
#63 Hans von Helvete (blitzer)
#68 Harald Hårdare (blitzer) [niggling injury]
#75 Kjetil Haraldsson Manheim (lineman)
#80 Reidar Horghagen (lineman)
#88 Tomas Haugen (lineman) [MVP, touchdown]
#90 Stian Tomt Thoresen (lineman)
#91 Jan Axel Blomberg (lineman) [casualty]
#96 Per Yngve Ohlin (lineman)

**

Skogen Mörke Dimmubowl final standings:

1. Ragnarock Ravens (2-1-0) 6 pts, 4-2, 4-3, 0, 2, 2-1
2. Tor Achare Titans (1-0-0) 3 pts, 1-0, 2-1, 0, 2, 0-0
3. Mephala's Murderers (0-0-1) 1 pts, 2-3, 1-3, 0, 3, 1-1
4. 3rd Street Mütants (0-1-1) 1 pts, 1-3, 2-2, 0, 0, 2-2

League table: [pts, goal differential, casualty differential, fatalities, completions, sacks]

Brutes (4-0-0) 12 pts, 10-0, 6-2, 1, 1, 2-2
Titans (2-2-0) 6 pts, 3-4, 7-2, 0, 10, 5-3
Ravens (2-2-0) 6 pts, 4-6, 4-5, 0, 2, 2-1
Mütants (1-2-1) 4 pts, 2-4, 4-3, 1, 0, 3-9
Warriors (1-0-0) 3 pts, 1-0, 0-2, 0, 0, 3-1
Buccaneers (1-2-0) 3 pts, 3-3, 2-5, 0, 6, 4-2
Murderers (0-3-1) 1 pts, 2-8, 1-8, 0, 8, 3-3

**

Individual statistics:


Touchdowns:

Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 3
Leifur Eriksson (Ravens): 3
Grab da Bol (Brutes): 2
Grambad (Brutes): 2
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 2
Sorgask (Brutes): 2
Chouatec (Warriors): 1
Dexgor (Mütants): 1
Galfir (Buccaneers): 1
Galhag (Brutes): 1
Galoth (Brutes): 1
Gorgor (Mütants): 1
Tomas Haugen (Ravens): 1
Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 1
Savure Uvalor (Murderers): 1
Tyrim (Buccaneers): 1
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 1

Casualties:

Teclis Turukáno (Titans): 4
Harald Hårdare (Ravens): 2
Boss the Unbeaten (Mütants): 1
Braga da 'Ed Bash'a (Brutes): 1
Carecalmo (Titans): 1
Cyrus the Unbeliever (Mütants): 1
Dark Elf journeyman (Buccaneers): 1
Dranas Dradas (Murderers): 1
Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 1
Galhag (Brutes): 1
Galoth (Brutes): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1
Geri (Ravens): 1
Gladroon (Titans journeyman): 1
Jan Axel Blomberg (Ravens): 1
Morgur (Brutes): 1
Nasty Narsil (Buccaneers): 1
Piergor (Mütants): 1
Sorgask (Brutes): 1
Urghuk (Brutes): 1

Fatalities:

Galhag (Brutes): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1

Completions:

Beleg Strongarm (Titans): 4
Carecalmo (Titans): 3
Giron Manas (Murderers): 3
Avil Darksoul (Buccaneers): 2
Clarius Vile (Buccaneers): 2
Athlan Icecold (Buccaneers): 1
Balyn Omavel (Murderers): 1
Hans von Helvete (Ravens): 1
Ilmiril Telinturco (Titans): 1
Meryaren (Titans): 1
Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 1
Nilos Talds (Murderers): 1
Savure Uvalor (Murderers): 1
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 1
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 1
Tussurradad (Murderers): 1
Ulundil (Titans): 1
Thor Åkenskaldi (Ravens): 1

Sacks:

Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 2
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 2
Teclis Turukáno (Titans): 2
Tyrim (Buccaneers): 2
Azgrum (Brutes): 1
Beleg Strongarm (Titans): 1
Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 1
Gar'tzi (Warriors): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1
Hans von Helvete (Ravens): 1
Kinzgor (Mütants): 1
Maztzi (Warriors): 1
Orodreth Ecthelion (Titans): 1
Shaungor (Mütants): 1
Sorgask (Brutes): 1
Stian Tomt Thoresen (Ravens): 1
Tussurradad (Murderers): 1
Tzaruz the Rookie (Warriors): 1