Apr 30, 2012

Emotional Investment in Games aka Why We Were so Disappointed in Mass Effect 2, part three or so

Illustrations are gratuitous Asari pinups, as that is a search term that has been used to find this blag. We like giving the Internet what it asks for.

Naked Asari

The text is a pretty incoherent response to playing Mass Effect 2 which I composed when it first came out but never put down anywhere.

I'm a girl. I'm a girl gamer. I enjoy shooting things in the head with my space rifle. I enjoy saving the world with a kick-ass hero. I enjoy having an option for that hero to be a woman who gets to do all things that the male hero does. In short, I really like Commander Shepard.


I also like having love stories and personal relationships in games. Maybe that's girly, I don't care. I want the kick-ass, and I want the fluff. I want true role playing. I want my choices to count.

I really (mostly) liked how they did relationships in Mass Effect 1. You weren't forced into a relationship, you could choose whether to flirt (or respond to flirting). You only had three options, sure, and limited queer or alien options, but you get an almost-lesbian relationship with an alien, and that's a big first.


My choice, still, was Kaidan, a human man. I love Kaidan. Yes, I know, but I do. I liked him as a love interest. I found it sad that he was limited to being the possible love interest for the female Shepard only, but I could deal with that. (That's what fan fiction is for, after all;)

The relationship story arc was fulfilling, you had the choice of flirting with him or not, you weren't pushed into a relationship, and you got to have a sex scene! That was something new.


Uncensored version

And then we get Mass Effect 2. The gang's all there, in the beginning you get to continue from where you left off, in the game as in the relationship and... yeah, here come the spoilers, but as the third game is out already, I figure you can deal with them.

Then you die, and wake up in what appears to be an alternate universe, but everyone else seems to be in denial about this. My co-bloggers have addressed this issue already, so I'll concentrate on why the game was so unfulfilling emotionally, in the context of the first game. (Not saying anything about the cardboard cutouts that you are offered as love interests in this game, nor about the fan service of Garrus and Tali.) (After all, nothing you said to either one during the first game affects how they behave in the second one at all. Garrus is a crazy vigilante in any case, and Tali is as crazy and genocidal as ever.)

Mostly Naked Asari

You had (if you had) this deep connection with another person in the previous game, and as much as all of the relationship options spelled out that this might have been just a one-off, I would expect to get *some* reaction from the love interest in the next game.

Kaidan sends you an e-mail. When you meet him, he's the only one who finds it wrong that you're working with your old enemy, the Cerberus, and I was yelling, 'Thank you! I thought I was alone in this! Let me come back to the Alliance with you!' Do I get to do that? No. I get to invite him to join the terrorist organisation with me. "It'll be just like old times." What? I wonder he didn't deck me.

And then he sends you an e-mail saying 'maybe'. Maybe you could continue your relationship at some future date. I survived for weeks on that e-mail.

I never went through a relationship with Ash because I found her attitude problem and xenophobia quite unappealing. But I gather she has a similar reaction. (Why? She would fit right in with these human supremacists.)

Another Naked Asari

What does Liara do? She's had a personality transplant, has given up her career as an archaeologist, and is organising assassinations. ...wait, what? She says, "Hi Shepard, heard you were alive after all, wanna help me choose which of my associates to murder?" The emotional connection, I can feel it.

Mass Effect has never been big on having your companions react to what's going on, but when my Shepard, having just seen her lover in for what for her was a few months, and for him two years and having been rejected by him, goes to talk to Garrus, who was around in the "old times"... what I wanted was a bloody hug, what I got was "Too busy to talk right now, come back later and I'll make a pass at you." Well, technically.

Full frontal nudity Asari

One thing they got right. If you choose to *not* romance any of the very straight love interest options you have, your last night before facing the Big End Fight is spent staring at Kaidan's (or who ever was your first game love interest) photo. Thank you. I felt that. I *felt* that. You managed to give me two moments of real emotional contact with the game. An e-mail and a photo.

Okay, Tali becoming officially part of your crew was touching but was ruined a bit (or a lot) by the fact that you could only achieve that by lying for her, losing important allies for nothing, and going along with her attitudes towards the geth. Doing it was out of character for my Shepard but for once I chose the game mechanic over the role playing (which, admittedly, is usually mostly in my head because the games don't support it) - I wanted her loyalty.

Another Naked Asari

After finishing Mass Effect 2 I told people that the only thing that would make me want to buy Mass Effect 3 was if it gave me an option of getting back with Kaidan, and/or allowing the queer options.

...

Wait, they did what?

Oh damn.

Well, at least I'm buying it used.

Apr 16, 2012

HKIRBBTL: Buccaneers-Ravens 1-0

Well, I knew there'd come a day
When my mind would say: Hey, are you afraid
All I know is that I've been down here trying
Well, I'll bleed on through the night
I suppose I'll be dead by the morning light
Don't be surprised if you mind, when you find me
The river runs red and I think I'm dying
- Seer Kieth Cap Uto, 1st Era of Darkness

River runs red
Black rain falls
Dust in my hand
River runs red
Black rain falls
On my bleeding land
- Generalissimus Peter Garrett, later

The scorching sun was hanging low on the crimson banks of the notorious Blood River. The Buccaneers were assembled, their helmets gleaming in the sun, ready for the purple sails coming from the east. Today the Blood River Buccaneers would stand tall against the  rampaging Norse hordes of Ragnarock. Some 11 thousand fans were forthcoming. After the success of Skogen Mörke most of them were Ravens fans.

The Ravens won the first coin toss and elected to receive as is their style. The fans were on fire as the teams took the field.


Soon the ball was caged in a bloody melee moving nowhere from the center field.


Ravens blitzer Harald Hårdare was nurturing a niggling injury and his absence was soon felt as the well-named Buccaneers blitzer Athlan Icecold ended the game for blitzer Hans von Helvete. The Ravens were now without their two game makers and had to rely on the fangs of their vargr, Geri and Freki.

The latter was hungry indeed and locked his jaw on lineman Malsadrian sending him off the field in short order. Still this was not enough to break the Buccaneers defense and the battle raged on. Mordak Blackheart pushed Jan Axel Blomberg into the crowd for a pint or two. This didn't haze Blomberg though and he returned back on the field later – with treacherous consequences.


Finally, with just a few minutes remaining, blitzer Nasty Narsil was able to sack Thor Åkenskaldi and pick up the ball.


Lineman Reidar Horghagen did his best and sacked Narsil, but unfortunately the ball flew right off his hands to Buccaneers lineman Mornil. For this last minute try Horghagen was awarded the Ravens' MVP.


Mornil had just enough time to hand the ball to witch elf Solana Spikeheel, who then had the easy job of sprinting over the goal line just as the first half was coming to an end.

The second half started with the Buccaneers receiving. The crowd was still fired up under the glaring sun.


The Buccaneers quickly snatched the control with runner Clarius Vile holding on to the ball in the backfield while the witch elf lured werewolf Freki to wild goose chase on the opposite end.


Finally runner Leifur Eriksson was able to lay his hands on Vile, but seeing a sack Vile quickly flipped the ball to lineman Tyrim, who unfortunately was unable to hold on to it. The Ravens were unable to bank on this, when Jan Axel Blomberg – still shrugging of the earlier concussion – failed to scoop the ball from the field.

Concentrating on the ball Blomberg failed to see Athlan Icecold blitzing him. This high hit was a hit too far for the Draugr Cove native. He was carried cold off the field and into a longboat for the last journey home.


Smelling his friend's blood Geri launched on Mordak Blackheart hurting him badly. The Ravens team was thinning out at an alarming pace and despite their wolves best efforts, they were unable to put the hurt on the Buccaneers.

The ball started to slip into the Ravens' territory as the field was splintered to a messy melee.


The Buccaneers pushed slowly forth but, with time running out, were unable to score as the remaining Ravens scampered to stop them while coach Sjöfarare was cursing and throwing bloodweiser bottles on the sideline.


When time ran out the score was still 1-0 for the Buccaneers. Many a player lay in the dugout after a grueling grind of a game:


The Buccaneers won the game and moved ahead of the Ravens.


**


Boxscore

Fans: BRB 5000, RAR 6000
FAME: RAR +1
Starting weather: very sunny

Ravens win coin toss, elect to receive.

First half, Ravens receiving (Cheering fans, tie)

BRB T2: BRB #10 blitzes RAR #63, badly hurt
RAR T3: RAR #55 blocks BRB #3, badly hurt
BRB T3: BRB #13 blitzes RAR #75 attacker down, TURNOVER
BRB T4: BRB #7 blitzes RAR #91 to crowd, stunned
BRB T7: BRB #8 sacks RAR #5 and picks up ball
RAR T8: RAR #80 sacks BRB #8, ball scatter to BRB #4 picked up
BRB T8: BRB #4 handoff to BRB #13 who scores TOUCHDOWN

End of first half

Second half, Buccaneers receiving (cheering fans, tie)

BRB T1: BRB #7 picks up ball throws to BRB #11
BRB T2: BRB #8 blocks RAR #97 fractured leg
RAR T3: RAR #12 sacks BRB #11, dump off to BRB #2, fails to catch ball scatter
RAR T4: RAR #91 fails to pick up ball, scatters to BRB #10, TURNOVER
BRB T5: BRB #10 blitzes RAR #91, dead
RAR T5: RAR #55 blocks BRB #7, badly hurt, RAR #12 picks up ball
BRB T6: BRB #13 sacks RAR #12, picks up ball and hands to BRB #11
RAR T6: RAR #96 sacks BRB #11 who fails dump off and goes KO, RAR #55 GFI fumble, TURNOVER
BRB T7: BRB #5 blocks RAR #5, KO, BRB #13 picks ball and throws to BRB #8
RAR T7: RAR #80 blocks BRB 6, attacker down KO, TURNOVER
BRB T8: BRB #4 blocks RAR #88, attacker down stunned, TURNOVER
RAR T8: RAR #96 throws to RAR #12, RAR #90 fails dodge, TURNOVER

End of game.

Revenue: BRB 50,000, RAR 40,000

Fan factor: BRB +1, RAR -0

MVP: BRB #11, RAR #80

Advancement rolls: BRB #11 10 (MA/AV/new skill), RAR #80 8 (new skill)

**

Lineups:

Blood River Buccaneers

#2 Tyrim (lineman)
#3 Malsadrian (lineman) [badly hurt]
#4 Mornil (lineman)
#5 Hehtar (lineman)
#7 Mordak Blackheart (blitzer) [badly hurt, completion]
#8 Nasty Narsil (blitzer) [casualty, sack]
#9 Avil Darksoul (blitzer)
#10 Athlan Icecold (blitzer) [2 casualties, fatality]
#11 Clarius Vile (runner)
#13 Solana Spikeheel (witch elf) [completion, sack, touchdown]
#14 Khali (lineman)

Ragnarock Ravens

#5 Thor Åkenskaldi (thrower)
#12 Leifur Eriksson (runner)
#51 Geri (Norse werewolf)
#55 Freki (Norse werewolf) [2 casualties]
#63 Hans von Helvete (blitzer) [badly hurt]
#75 Kjetil Haraldsson Manheim (lineman)
#80 Reidar Horghagen (lineman) [sack]
#88 Tomas Haugen (lineman)
#90 Stian Arnesen (lineman)
#91 Jan Axel Blomberg (lineman) [dead]
#96 Per Yngve Ohlin (lineman) [completion, sack]
#97 Sven Atle Kopperud (lineman) [fractured leg]

**

League table: [pts, goal differential, casualty differential, fatalities, completions, interceptions, sacks]

Brutes (5-0-0) 15 pts, 13-0, 7-2, 1, 2, 0, 4-2
Titans (3-3-0) 9 pts, 5-8, 9-3, 0, 17, 1, 6-6
Buccaneers (2-3-0) 6 pts, 5-5, 5-9, 1, 8, 0, 7-5
Ravens (2-3-0) 6 pts, 4-7, 6-8, 0, 3, 0, 4-3
Mütants (1-1-1) 4 pts, 2-3, 3-3, 0, 0, 0, 2-6
Murderers (0-3-1) 1 pts, 2-8, 1-8, 0, 8, 0, 3-3

**

Individual statistics:


Touchdowns:

Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 3
Grambad (Brutes): 3
Leifur Eriksson (Ravens): 3
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 3
Faramir Neithan (Titans): 2
Galhag (Brutes): 2
Grab da Bol (Brutes): 2
Solana Spikeheel (Buccaneers): 2
Sorgask (Brutes): 2
Dexgor (Mütants): 1
Galfir (Buccaneers): 1
Galoth (Brutes): 1
Gorgor (Mütants): 1
Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 1
Savure Uvalor (Murderers): 1
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 1
Tomas Haugen (Ravens): 1
Tyrim (Buccaneers): 1

Interceptions:

Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 1

Casualties:

Teclis Turukáno (Titans): 5
Athlan Icecold (Buccaneers): 2
Freki (Ravens): 2
Harald Hårdare (Ravens): 2
Nasty Narsil (Buccaneers): 2
Boss the Unbeaten (Mütants): 1
Braga da 'Ed Bash'a (Brutes): 1
Carecalmo (Titans): 1
Cyrus the Unbeliever (Mütants): 1
Dark Elf journeyman* (Buccaneers): 1
Dranas Dradas (Murderers): 1
Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 1
Galhag (Brutes): 1
Galoth (Brutes): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1
Geri (Ravens): 1
Gladroon* (Titans journeyman): 1
Jan Axel Blomberg (Ravens): 1
Morgur (Brutes): 1
Orodreth Ecthelion (Titans): 1
Piergor (Mütants): 1
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 1
Sorgask (Brutes): 1
Urghuk (Brutes): 1

Fatalities:

Athlan Icecold (Buccaneers): 1
Galhag (Brutes): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1

Completions:

Beleg Strongarm (Titans): 6
Carecalmo (Titans): 4
Giron Manas (Murderers): 3
Avil Darksoul (Buccaneers): 2
Clarius Vile (Buccaneers): 2
Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 2
Teclis Turukáno (Titans): 2
Athlan Icecold (Buccaneers): 1
Balyn Omavel (Murderers): 1
Grab da Bol (Brutes): 1
Hans von Helvete (Ravens): 1
Ilmiril Telinturco (Titans): 1
Meryaren (Titans): 1
Mossanon (Titans): 1
Nilos Talds (Murderers): 1
Orodreth Ecthelion (Titans): 1
Per Yngve Ohlin (Ravens): 1
Savure Uvalor (Murderers): 1
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 1
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 1
Solana Spikeheel (Buccaneers): 1
Thor Åkenskaldi (Ravens): 1
Tussurradad (Murderers): 1
Ulundil (Titans): 1

Sacks:

Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 2
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 2
Sorgask (Brutes): 2
Teclis Turukáno (Titans): 2
Tyrim (Buccaneers): 2
Azgrum (Brutes): 1
Beleg Strongarm (Titans): 1
Carecalmo (Titans): 1
Clarius Vile (Buccaneers): 1
Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1
Hans von Helvete (Ravens): 1
Kinzgor (Mütants): 1
Nasty Narsil (Buccaneers): 1
Orodreth Ecthelion (Titans): 1
Per Yngve Ohlin (Ravens): 1
Reidar Horghagen (Ravens): 1
Shaungor (Mütants): 1
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 1
Solana Spikeheel (Buccaneers): 1
Stian Tomt Thoresen* (Ravens): 1
Tussurradad (Murderers): 1

Apr 13, 2012

HKIRBBTL: Titans-Brutes 0-3

There's more action in the Helsinki-Kotka Interregional Turboleague as the Tor Achare Titans continue their epic road trip! Their next opponent? The undefeated Braga's Brutes. The Titans played their first game in the Turboleague against the Brutes, losing 0-2.

After the Brutes won the opening coin toss and elected to receive, the teams faced off on the gridiron.



Titans kicker Carecalmo sent the ball flying way too high, allowing Brutes catcher Grab da Bol to position himself perfectly to catch the ball. The Brutes caged the ball and were off, smashing into the Titans' line and knocking out catcher Faramir Neithan.



Brutes thrower Slib'ry Ands pushed Titans lineman Orodreth Ecthelion into the stands, and as the orc cage rolled down the pitch, the greenskins were able to smash a lane through to the Titans' end zone.



Shrugging off the attempts of the Titans' defence to stop them, thrower Grab da Bol handed the ball off to blitzer Urghuk...



...who handed it on to lineman Galhag for the touchdown.



With little time left in the first half, the Titans executed some passing completions before taking the field again for the second half and their reception.



In the fracas, Slib'ry Ands smashed Titans lineman Meryaren out of the game with a concussion, and though the Titans managed to play their receivers into the Brutes' backfield...



...it was to no avail, as Slib'ry Ands sacked Faramir Neithan, grabbed the ball and scored a touchdown for the Brutes.



At the next kickoff, the outnumbered Titans were overrun by the Brutes.



With only desperate options left, catcher Mossanon tried to dodge out of the pocket and pass the ball up the field, but he failed.



The Brutes recovered the ball, and the game ended with blitzer Grambad scoring the Brutes' third touchdown.



**

Boxscore

Fans: TIT 9,000, BRU 9,000
FAME: TIT +0, BRU +0
Starting weather: very sunny

Brutes win coin toss, elect to receive.

First half, Brutes receiving (high kick)

BRU #9 catches kick.

BRU T1: BRU #2 blitzes TIT #7, KO
TIT T2: TIT #13 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
BRU T3: BRU #10 blocks TIT #15 into crowd, stunned
TIT T4: TIT #2 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
BRU T5: BRU #9 hands off to BRU #6
TIT T5: TIT #2 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
BRU T7: BRU #6 hands off to BRU #11; BRU #11 scores TOUCHDOWN

Titans receiving (quick snap)

TIT T7: TIT #3 picks up the ball, passes to TIT #5, completion
TIT T8: TIT #5 hands off to TIT #2; TIT #2 passes to TIT #5, completion

Second half, Titans receiving (cheering fans, tie)

TIT T1: TIT #5 picks up the ball, passes to TIT #7, completion
TIT T2: TIT #1 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
BRU T2: BRU #10 blocks TIT #14, serious concussion; BRU #9 blocks TIT #16, both down, TURNOVER
TIT T3: TIT #2 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
BRU T3: BRU #10 sacks TIT #7; BRU #7 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
TIT T4: TIT #5 picks up the ball; TIT #16 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
BRU T4: BRU #5 blitzes TIT #5, sack; BRU #10 picks up the ball
BRU T5: BRU #10 scores TOUCHDOWN

Titans receiving (quick snap)

TIT #5 fails to catch the ball.

TIT T6: TIT #9 picks up the ball and passes to TIT #5, completion
TIT T7: TIT #2 fails GFI, TURNOVER
TIT T8: TIT #5 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
BRU T8: BRU #9 picks up the ball, passes to BRU #5, completion; BRU #5 hands off to BRU #7; BRU #7 scores TOUCHDOWN

End of game.

Revenue: TIT 50,000, BRU 60,000

Fan factor: BRU +1, TIT -0

MVP: BRU #6, TIT #7

Advancement rolls: TIT #3 7 (new skill); BRU #10 9 (new skill), BRU #11 7 (new skill)

**

Lineups:

Tor Achare Titans

#1 Finrod Angamaitë (blitzer)
#2 Teclis Turukáno (blitzer) [completion]
#3 Beleg Strongarm (thrower) [completion]
#5 Mossanon (catcher) [completion]
#7 Faramir Neithan (catcher) [MVP]
#9 Carecalmo (lineman) [completion]
#10 Ilmiril Telinturco (lineman)
#12 Morelion Tethlis (lineman)
#13 Caryarel Mothril (lineman)
#14 Meryaren (lineman) [serious concussion]
#15 Orodreth Ecthelion (lineman)
#16 Ulundil (lineman)

Braga's Brutes

#01 Braga da 'Ed Bash'a (black orc)
#02 Morgur (black orc)
#03 Roflog (black orc)
#04 Azgrum (black orc)
#05 Sorgask (blitzer) [sack]
#06 Urghuk (blitzer) [MVP]
#07 Grambad (blitzer) [touchdown]
#08 Galoth (blitzer)
#09 Grab da Bol (thrower) [completion]
#10 Slib'ry Ands (thrower) [touchdown, casualty, sack]
#11 Galhag (lineman) [touchdown]

**

League table: [pts, goal differential, casualty differential, fatalities, completions, interceptions, sacks]

Brutes (5-0-0) 15 pts, 13-0, 7-2, 1, 2, 0, 4-2
Titans (3-3-0) 9 pts, 5-8, 9-3, 0, 17, 1, 6-6
Ravens (2-2-0) 6 pts, 4-6, 4-5, 0, 2, 0, 2-1
Mütants (1-1-1) 4 pts, 2-3, 3-3, 0, 0, 0, 2-6
Buccaneers (1-3-0) 3 pts, 4-5, 2-7, 0, 6, 0, 5-3
Murderers (0-3-1) 1 pts, 2-8, 1-8, 0, 8, 0, 3-3

**

Individual statistics:


Touchdowns:

Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 3
Grambad (Brutes): 3
Leifur Eriksson (Ravens): 3
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 3
Faramir Neithan (Titans): 2
Galhag (Brutes): 2
Grab da Bol (Brutes): 2
Sorgask (Brutes): 2
Dexgor (Mütants): 1
Galfir (Buccaneers): 1
Galoth (Brutes): 1
Gorgor (Mütants): 1
Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 1
Savure Uvalor (Murderers): 1
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 1
Solana Spikeheel (Buccaneers): 1
Tomas Haugen (Ravens): 1
Tyrim (Buccaneers): 1

Interceptions:

Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 1

Casualties:

Teclis Turukáno (Titans): 5
Harald Hårdare (Ravens): 2
Boss the Unbeaten (Mütants): 1
Braga da 'Ed Bash'a (Brutes): 1
Carecalmo (Titans): 1
Cyrus the Unbeliever (Mütants): 1
Dark Elf journeyman* (Buccaneers): 1
Dranas Dradas (Murderers): 1
Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 1
Galhag (Brutes): 1
Galoth (Brutes): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1
Geri (Ravens): 1
Gladroon* (Titans journeyman): 1
Jan Axel Blomberg (Ravens): 1
Morgur (Brutes): 1
Nasty Narsil (Buccaneers): 1
Orodreth Ecthelion (Titans): 1
Piergor (Mütants): 1
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 1
Sorgask (Brutes): 1
Urghuk (Brutes): 1

Fatalities:

Galhag (Brutes): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1

Completions:

Beleg Strongarm (Titans): 6
Carecalmo (Titans): 4
Giron Manas (Murderers): 3
Avil Darksoul (Buccaneers): 2
Clarius Vile (Buccaneers): 2
Teclis Turukáno (Titans): 2
Athlan Icecold (Buccaneers): 1
Balyn Omavel (Murderers): 1
Grab da Bol (Brutes): 1
Hans von Helvete (Ravens): 1
Ilmiril Telinturco (Titans): 1
Meryaren (Titans): 1
Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 1
Mossanon (Titans): 1
Nilos Talds (Murderers): 1
Orodreth Ecthelion (Titans): 1
Savure Uvalor (Murderers): 1
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 1
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 1
Thor Åkenskaldi (Ravens): 1
Tussurradad (Murderers): 1
Ulundil (Titans): 1

Sacks:

Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 2
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 2
Sorgask (Brutes): 2
Teclis Turukáno (Titans): 2
Tyrim (Buccaneers): 2
Azgrum (Brutes): 1
Beleg Strongarm (Titans): 1
Carecalmo (Titans): 1
Clarius Vile (Buccaneers): 1
Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1
Hans von Helvete (Ravens): 1
Kinzgor (Mütants): 1
Orodreth Ecthelion (Titans): 1
Shaungor (Mütants): 1
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 1
Stian Tomt Thoresen* (Ravens): 1
Tussurradad (Murderers): 1

Apr 9, 2012

HKIRBBTL: Titans-Buccaneers 2-1

The story of the Helsinki-Kotka Interregional Turboleague continues as the Tor Achare Titans travel to meet the Blood River Buccaneers! The two teams last met in the Antares Autobowl, where the Titans secured a 2-1 victory in an eventful game.

It's always tricky arranging a Blood Bowl game between sworn enemies like the Dark Elves and High Elves, and as thousands of fans gathered for this game, tensions ran high and finally boiled over when fans of both teams stormed the pitch on the opening kickoff! A few players were knocked down, but the onset of a ferocious rainstorm helped clear the pitch, and play started with the Titans kicking.

The receiving Buccaneers smashed into the Titans, with witch elf Solana Spikeheel leading the way by knocking out Titans catcher Faramir Neithan. Buccaneers runner Clarius Vile struggled to pick up the ball in the driving rain, but blitzer Mordak Blackheart knocked Titans lineman Ulundil out cold. A scrum developed by the Titans' left sideline, as the Buccaneers pushed Titans lineman Orodreth Ecthelion perilously close to the roaring crowd. Buccaneers lineman Khali charged the high elf, trying to push him into the crowd, but Orodreth surprised the dark elf with a devastating hit that sent Khali off the field with a concussion. Mere seconds later Mordak Blackheart blitzed Orodreth into the crowd, and fellow blitzer Athlan Icecold knocked out Titans thrower Beleg Strongarm.

Behind the carnage, Clarius Vile secured the ball, and with the Titans outnumbered 7-10, a Buccaneers touchdown seemed imminent. The Titans weren't quite done yet, though! Blitzer Finrod Angamaitë dodged away from the Buccaneers marking him and blitzed Clarius Vile. The runner quickly dumped off the ball, and Finrod Angamaitë intercepted the dump-off! Sadly for the Titans, he may have overreached himself, as Clarius Vile was able to knock him down. Solana Spikeheel recovered the ball. Even though Titans blitzer Teclis Turukáno added to his league lead in casualties by sending off Buccaneers blitzer Nasty Narsil, there was nothing he or anyone else could do to stop Solana Spikeheel from scoring to put the Buccaneers up 1-0.

There was only time for a short, desultory Titans drive before the first half ended. Orodreth Ecthelion had managed to make his way back to the Titans bench from the stands, but the pouring rain frustrated his attempt to record a completion. The Titans' apothecaries did a great job at halftime, succesfully reviving the knocked-out players for a second half where the Titans would now outnumber the Buccaneers.

Play started with Orodreth catching the kickoff and passing the ball to Beleg Strongarm. The Titans were still struggling to keep their players in the game as Buccaneers lineman Malsadrian knocked out Titans kicker Carecalmo, but catcher Faramir Neithan broke through the outnumbered Buccaneers and caught a pass from Beleg in the end zone for the Titans' first touchdown of the game.

Kicker Carecalmo was revived in time for the kickoff, and continued his excellent performance by planting the ball squarely in the far left corner of the field. The rain had stopped and with the gridiron quickly drying, the Buccaneers grabbed the ball and stormed toward the Titans' end zone. The visiting team continued their steady parade to the KO box as Buccaneers blitzer Avil Darksoul knocked out Titans lineman Caryarel Mothril, and Titans blitzer Finrod Angamaitë retaliated by knocking out Buccaneers lineman Tyrim.

As Buccaneers runner Clarius Vile dashed for the end zone he was sacked by Titans kicker Carecalmo, sending the ball bouncing wildly. After Mordak Blackheart failed to catch it, the ball bounced over the sideline and was thrown back into play by the crowd! Spotting his chance, Titans blitzer Teclis Turukáno dodged away from his marker, grabbed the ball and threw it to catcher Faramir Neithan, who ran down the pitch for his second touchdown of the game!

As the Buccaneers regrouped for their reception, a riot broke out in the stands! By the time order was restored, the game clock had run down, and more time was put on the clock - too much in the Titans' opinion, but the referees weren't swayed. This gave the Buccaneers an excellent opportunity to attempt the equalizer. Clarius Vile retrieved the ball and handed it off to lineman Hehtar, whose pass to Mordak Blackheart was off target. Titans thrower Beleg Strongarm grabbed the ball and tried a long pass to Faramir Neithan, but his pass also missed. Clarius Vile made one last attempt to recover the ball, but he fumbled it and the game came to an end as a 2-1 victory for the Titans.

**

Boxscore

Fans: TIT 8,000, BRB 6,000
FAME: TIT +1
Starting weather: pouring rain

BRB inducements: Bloodweiser babe (50,000 gp)

Titans win coin toss, elect to kick.

First half, Buccaneers receiving (pitch invasion)

BRB T1: BRB #7 blocks TIT #12, double skull, TURNOVER
TIT T1: TIT #12 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
BRB T2: BRB #13 blitzes TIT #7, KO; BRB #11 fails to pick up the ball, TURNOVER
BRB T3: BRB #7 blocks TIT #16, KO; BRB #14 blocks TIT #15, skull, serious concussion, TURNOVER
BRB T4: BRB #7 blitzes TIT #15 into the crowd, stunned; BRB #11 picks up the ball
BRB T5: BRB #10 blitzes TIT #3, KO
TIT T5: TIT #1 dodges twice, blitzes BRB #11 who dumps off the ball. TIT #1 intercepts the dump-off, rolls a skull for the block, TURNOVER
BRB T6: BRB #13 picks up the ball
TIT T7: TIT #2 blitzes BRB #8, badly hurt
BRB T8: BRB #13 scores TOUCHDOWN

Titans receiving (brilliant coaching, TIT +1 reroll)

TIT T8: TIT #15 picks up the ball, passes to TIT #9, catch fails, TURNOVER

End of first half.

Second half, Titans receiving (quick snap)

TIT #15 catches kick-off.

TIT T1: TIT #15 passes to TIT #3, completion
BRB T1: BRB #2 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
BRB T2: BRB #3 blocks TIT #9, KO
BRB T3: BRB #5 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
TIT T4: TIT #3 passes to TIT #7, TOUCHDOWN

Buccaneers receiving (changing weather -> nice)

BRB T4: BRB #9 blocks TIT #13, KO; BRB #11 picks up the ball
BRB T6: BRB #9 fails dodge roll, TURNOVER
TIT T7: TIT #1 blocks BRB #2, KO; TIT #9 sacks BRB #11 (stunned); ball bounces to BRB #7, catch failed, ball bounces out of bounds; TIT #2 picks up the ball, passes to TIT #7 who scores TOUCHDOWN

Bucaneers receiving (riot, turn marker moved back)

BRB T6: BRB #11 picks up the ball
BRB T7: BRB #11 hands off to BRB #5, who passes to BRB #7, inaccurate pass, TURNOVER
TIT T8: TIT #3 picks up the ball, attempts long bomb to TIT #2, inaccurate pass, TURNOVER
BRB T8: BRB #11 dodges, fails to pick up the ball, TURNOVER

End of game.

Revenue: TIT 70,000, BRB 50,000

Fan factor: TIT +1, BRB -0

MVP: BRB #13, TIT #10

Advancement rolls: TIT #7 10 (MA/AV/new skill), BRB #13 2 (new skill)

**

Lineups:

Tor Achare Titans

#1 Finrod Angamaitë (blitzer) [interception]
#2 Teclis Turukáno (blitzer) [casualty, completion]
#3 Beleg Strongarm (thrower) [completion]
#7 Faramir Neithan (catcher) [touchdown * 2]
#9 Carecalmo (lineman) [sack]
#10 Ilmiril Telinturco (lineman) [MVP]
#12 Morelion Tethlis (lineman)
#13 Caryarel Mothril (lineman)
#14 Meryaren (lineman)
#15 Orodreth Ecthelion (lineman) [casualty, completion]
#16 Ulundil (lineman)

Blood River Buccaneers

#2 Tyrim (lineman)
#3 Malsadrian (lineman)
#4 Mornil (lineman)
#5 Hehtar (lineman)
#7 Mordak Blackheart (blitzer)
#8 Nasty Narsil (blitzer) [badly hurt]
#9 Avil Darksoul (blitzer)
#10 Athlan Icecold (blitzer)
#11 Clarius Vile (runner) [sack]
#13 Solana Spikeheel (witch elf) [touchdown, MVP]
#14 Khali (lineman) [serious concussion]

**

League table: [pts, goal differential, casualty differential, fatalities, completions, interceptions, sacks]

Brutes (4-0-0) 12 pts, 10-0, 6-2, 1, 1, 0, 2-2
Titans (3-2-0) 9 pts, 5-5, 9-2, 0, 13, 1, 6-4
Ravens (2-2-0) 6 pts, 4-6, 4-5, 0, 2, 0, 2-1
Mütants (1-1-1) 4 pts, 2-3, 3-3, 0, 0, 0, 2-6
Buccaneers (1-3-0) 3 pts, 4-5, 2-7, 0, 6, 0, 5-3
Murderers (0-3-1) 1 pts, 2-8, 1-8, 0, 8, 0, 3-3

**

Individual statistics:


Touchdowns:

Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 3
Leifur Eriksson (Ravens): 3
Faramir Neithan (Titans): 2
Grab da Bol (Brutes): 2
Grambad (Brutes): 2
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 2
Sorgask (Brutes): 2
Dexgor (Mütants): 1
Galfir (Buccaneers): 1
Galhag (Brutes): 1
Galoth (Brutes): 1
Gorgor (Mütants): 1
Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 1
Savure Uvalor (Murderers): 1
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 1
Solana Spikeheel (Buccaneers): 1
Tomas Haugen (Ravens): 1
Tyrim (Buccaneers): 1

Interceptions:

Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 1

Casualties:

Teclis Turukáno (Titans): 5
Harald Hårdare (Ravens): 2
Boss the Unbeaten (Mütants): 1
Braga da 'Ed Bash'a (Brutes): 1
Carecalmo (Titans): 1
Cyrus the Unbeliever (Mütants): 1
Dark Elf journeyman* (Buccaneers): 1
Dranas Dradas (Murderers): 1
Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 1
Galhag (Brutes): 1
Galoth (Brutes): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1
Geri (Ravens): 1
Gladroon* (Titans journeyman): 1
Jan Axel Blomberg (Ravens): 1
Morgur (Brutes): 1
Nasty Narsil (Buccaneers): 1
Orodreth Ecthelion (Titans): 1
Piergor (Mütants): 1
Sorgask (Brutes): 1
Urghuk (Brutes): 1

Fatalities:

Galhag (Brutes): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1

Completions:

Beleg Strongarm (Titans): 5
Carecalmo (Titans): 3
Giron Manas (Murderers): 3
Avil Darksoul (Buccaneers): 2
Clarius Vile (Buccaneers): 2
Athlan Icecold (Buccaneers): 1
Balyn Omavel (Murderers): 1
Hans von Helvete (Ravens): 1
Ilmiril Telinturco (Titans): 1
Meryaren (Titans): 1
Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 1
Nilos Talds (Murderers): 1
Orodreth Ecthelion (Titans): 1
Savure Uvalor (Murderers): 1
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 1
Slib'ry Ands (Brutes): 1
Teclis Turukáno (Titans): 1
Thor Åkenskaldi (Ravens): 1
Tussurradad (Murderers): 1
Ulundil (Titans): 1

Sacks:

Mordak Blackheart (Buccaneers): 2
Shishi Yanumibaal (Murderers): 2
Teclis Turukáno (Titans): 2
Tyrim (Buccaneers): 2
Azgrum (Brutes): 1
Beleg Strongarm (Titans): 1
Carecalmo (Titans): 1
Clarius Vile (Buccaneers): 1
Finrod Angamaitë (Titans): 1
Gatgor (Mütants): 1
Hans von Helvete (Ravens): 1
Kinzgor (Mütants): 1
Orodreth Ecthelion (Titans): 1
Shaungor (Mütants): 1
Sorgask (Brutes): 1
Stian Tomt Thoresen* (Ravens): 1
Tussurradad (Murderers): 1

Apr 2, 2012

Ancient Aliens is a ridiculous pack of lies

I've been meaning to write a longer post about the farcical "History" Channel show called Ancient Aliens. For now, though, I'll just post this brief note. I recently watched one of its most-viewed episodes, "Unexplained Structures", and having seen it, I want to make one thing perfectly clear:

Do not believe a single thing the people on that show say. They're lying.

While it's possible that some of them mean well and are just misguided, the overwhelming majority of them are deliberately misrepresenting the truth in order to sell you stuff. The genuine scientists on the show probably aren't lying, but frankly, I question the judgement of anyone who appears on that show and isn't a kook trying to sell you a magic healing stone.



Let's just take a few examples from that particular episode. Firstly, Göbekli Tepe, the prehistoric megalithic site in Turkey. It's a pretty impressive, even revolutionary archeological find, but that doesn't stop Alien Hair Guy and his buddies lying about it. For crying out loud, the Wikipedia page I just linked tells us that even though the show says the opposite, both flint stone-working tools and the quarry the rocks were cut from have been found at the site. So there's no mystery whatsoever to how it was constructed. By people. With tools. No extraterrestrials necessary for assembly.

Much of the rest of the episode is set firmly in woo-land, with the usual wild narrative hopscotch ("if so...") and straight-up nonsense like the vimana dude walking among the Carnac stones and talking about their mystical auras. The bit set in the Americas does contain one of my favorite Ancient Aliens lines ever, when one of the "experts" explains that some of the Inca stonework has been exposed to large amounts of "thermal heat". The best kind, really.

By the way, they seem to mean vitrified stone. In both this and a previous episode, Ancient Aliens seems to treat vitrification as something that happens when an alien shoots a ray gun at a stone block. In reality, it just means the stones were exposed to fire. It may have been done deliberately, although it actually weakens the stone. Now, stone age people might not know that, but surely the aliens would. In my mind, their suggestion that the Inca built using alien rock-melting technology is completely ridiculous. If you have what basically amounts to concrete and want to build a wall, certainly you'd build a mould of the wall and pour in the concrete, as opposed to molding thousands of different-sized stone blocks and fashioning a wall out of them. But never mind that, here's an Inca shaman with a censer, and he says woo.

But it's the already mentioned Carnac stones that bring us to the most fantastically stupid claim in the whole episode: Alien Hair Guy tells us they're one of only three objects on Earth that are visible from space. He lists the Carnac stones, the Nazca lines (a perennial Ancient Aliens favorite) and, of course, the Great Wall of China.

Now, once again, there's a Wikipedia page: Man-made structures visible from space. It will tell you, if you don't know already, that from any altitude where the Great Wall is visible, so are a whole bunch of other things. The same goes for the Nazca lines, and as for Carnac, well, look at them:



The individual stones are really quite small, and if they're that evanescent in an aerial photo, do you really think they're uniquely visible from space? The claim is totally absurd. Then again, that information and the picture are from Wikipedia, and if you're liable to believe Alien Hair Guy, you probably think Wikipedia is a reptilian disinformation operation. Like this blog. Boo!

In fact, I couldn't find any source for the notion that the Carnac stones are visible from space... except Alien Hair Guy. Mostly the claim appears in the exact same "one of only three objects" form he made it in. So he literally made that up. And that's really what this show is about: making stuff up. Specifically, inventing totally implausible claims with no regard for observable reality or even Wikipedia-level research. Since just about everything I've ever fact-checked from that show has turned out to be just lies, I frankly recommend no-one believe a thing that's said on it without double-checking it. Even better, don't watch the damn thing at all. Nothing they've ever presented has any merit, and the joke gets kinda old pretty quick. Real history is much more interesting, exciting and even, at times, mysterious than puerile "lol aliens" TV.



Ancient Aliens does take your mind to another dimension. Unfortunately, it's made up, and it sucks.